My views on children's marriage
Now, it seems that my wife and I have reached the stage where our children are approaching the age of marriage. Among the couples around us who are slightly older, some already have married their first child, and some even have grandchildren. Today, I had a phone conversation with my beloved eldest son, Dillon, and we talked about his future marriage. Beyond just that conversation, I also want to reflect on the concerns of parents in our generation who already have married children. I hope that organizing these thoughts from my perspective may be of some benefit to all of our children’s future marriages.
1. As a father, I have repeatedly told Dillon, Yeri, and Karis—ever since they were in high school—that when praying for and seeking a future spouse, their primary criterion should be the person's character. In particular, I emphasized that truthfulness is one of the most important aspects of character. I told them: “If you find out that the person you’re dating has lied to you—even more so if it happens repeatedly—you must seriously consider whether you should continue that relationship.”
2. The reason I have been reflecting on this again is that if our children later realize that they made the wrong choice in selecting their spouse, the consequences of that decision could be extremely serious. One of the major issues is that it wouldn’t just affect their marriage but could also deeply wound and distress both sides of the family. Moreover, the siblings of the married couple could also suffer as a result. Therefore, while it is important for our children to pray about their future spouse as they walk in faith, I believe that as parents, we must also raise them to have the discernment to recognize the spouse God has prepared for them and to make the right choice based on the right criteria.
3. However, no matter how much we pray for our children's marriage and strive to raise them well, there is no guarantee that they will make the right choice in selecting their spouse. As a result, if we, as believing parents, come to think that our child has not made the right choice in their marriage, then not only will our child suffer in their married life, but we as parents will inevitably suffer alongside them. If we come to know that our child is experiencing ongoing difficulties and suffering in their marriage, the pain we endure as parents will be incredibly difficult to bear. Yet, even through such immense suffering, I believe that God is refining and shaping us in many ways.
4. Today, while talking with Dillon, I told him that when a sinful groom and a sinful bride get married, they become one body and build a family together. And because of this, the holy God will all the more expose their sins. That is why God’s grace is absolutely necessary in a marriage (Romans 5:20). I also told him that while preparing for the wedding ceremony is important, what truly matters is what comes after the wedding. Therefore, I emphasized that preparing for marriage itself is far more important than just preparing for the wedding. During this preparation process, I shared with Dillon that while advice from various married people can be valuable, in my case, books on marriage have been very helpful in my relationship with my wife and continue to be so. I also reminded him of the conversation we had last year during his birthday dinner when I gave Jessica the book “Love & Respect” and shared my thoughts on it.
5. It seems that Dillon and Jessica have already decided on their wedding venue and date, but there appears to be a limit on the number of guests they can invite due to the venue's capacity. So, I told Dillon, "Don’t worry about Mom and me; you and Jessica should decide on the guest list as you see fit." The reason I said this is that last December, during my wife's birthday dinner with Dillon, Jessica, my wife, and Karis, I mentioned that it would be good to find a larger venue to invite more people if possible. However, that was just my opinion, and what truly matters is what Dillon and Jessica think. That’s why today I encouraged Dillon to take responsibility for inviting people as he and Jessica see fit. The reason I’m sharing this is that, as Dillon’s father, I’ve realized the importance of setting a healthy boundary wisely and appropriately. I wasn’t able to do this before, but today, I finally drew that boundary with Dillon. I trust that he and Jessica will handle things well. By trusting God, I want to trust Dillon even more.