We must send our children away!
“Is not the whole land before you? Please separate from me; if to the left, then I will go to the right; or if to the right, then I will go to the left.” (Genesis 13:9)
Among the couples I know, a few are experiencing conflict between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. From the perspective of the daughters-in-law, many are struggling. There are various difficulties, but the most challenging, in my view, is the husband who is caught in between, wavering between his wife and his mother. For the wives, it’s naturally painful to see their husbands, who are supposed to be on their side, siding with their mothers instead. Especially when they feel their husbands are what people call "mama's boys," it must be even more painful. If their husband has a stronger attachment to his mother than to his wife, and after having a conversation with the wife, then getting closer to his mother and obeying her words, it must be extremely frustrating for the wives. They might feel suffocated. The excessive attachment, obsession, and closeness between the husband and his mother cause a rift, which leads to conflict between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. How should we resolve this conflict? Aside from this, there can also be conflicts between the in-laws and the daughter-in-law or between the father-in-law and son-in-law. Conflicts can also arise between spouses, between parents and children, and even among siblings. When we face these kinds of conflicts, what should we do? I found the principle in Genesis 13:9, where Uncle Abram says to his nephew Lot, “Please separate from me.” The principle is simple: "We must send our children awaw!"
Look at Genesis 13:9: "Is not the whole land before you? Please separate from me. If you take the left, then I will go to the right; or if you take the right, then I will go to the left." This was what Uncle Abram said to his nephew Lot. Why did Abram say this to Lot? The reason was to avoid conflict between them. Look at Genesis 13:8: "So Abram said to Lot, 'Please let there be no strife between you and me, and between my herdsmen and your herdsmen, for we are brothers.'" Even though Abram and Lot were relatives, they were in conflict. I think Abram and Lot themselves did not directly quarrel, but rather, it was a conflict between Abram’s herdsmen and Lot’s herdsmen. I believe this because the Korean Modern Bible says, "Let there be no strife between us," meaning that the conflict was between their herdsmen. Why were the herdsmen quarreling? The reason is given in Genesis 13:6: "Now the land was not able to support them so that they might dwell together, for their possessions were so great that they could not dwell together." The reason for the dispute between the herdsmen was that Abram and Lot had so many livestock that the land they were living on couldn't sustain them all. To put it simply in modern terms, they quarreled because of wealth ("possessions").
Isn't it the case that many family conflicts today arise because of property? Why do siblings fight with each other? Isn't it often because of their parents' inheritance or possessions? While reflecting on this verse, I wondered how Abram and Lot came to have so many possessions (v. 6). In conclusion, I believe that God fulfilled His promise to Abram (12:1-3) by blessing him, even allowing a severe famine to occur in the land of Canaan where Abram was living, leading Abram to go down to Egypt (v. 10). There, because of Abram's beautiful wife Sarai, Pharaoh treated Abram well and gave him sheep, cattle, donkeys, servants, and camels (v. 16). As a result, Abram became wealthy in livestock and silver (13:2). So how did Abram's nephew Lot come to have so many livestock? Of course, in Genesis 13:5, the Bible says, "Lot also had flocks and herds and tents," but in verse 6, it says, "Now the land was not able to support them so that they might dwell together, for their possessions were so great that they could not dwell together" (Korean Modern Bible). This raises the question: How did Lot have so many livestock? While the Bible doesn't provide a clear explanation, I believe that Lot had inherited livestock from his late father Haran, and in addition, he received even more livestock from his uncle Abram as a result of God's blessings. Since Abram and Lot had so many livestock, their herdsmen quarreled. The reason for this was that the land they were living on could not support them all. The land where they resided was the region where Abram had led his wife, his nephew Lot, and all of his possessions when they left Egypt and went up to the southern Negev of Canaan (v. 1). There, he continued traveling north to the area between Bethel and Ai, where he had previously pitched his tent and built an altar (vv. 3-4). The "previously" mentioned here refers to the time when Abram had entered the land of Canaan, bringing his wife Sarai, nephew Lot, and all his possessions from Haran (12:5). He traveled through the land, stopping at the oak of Moreh in Shechem (v. 6), where God gave him His promise. Abram built an altar to the Lord in that place (v. 7), and later, he moved south to pitch his tent between Bethel and Ai, where he also built an altar to worship the Lord (v. 8). In these places where Abram had worshiped God, the herdsmen quarreled because of the wealth ("possessions" in Genesis 13:6) that Abram and Lot had received through God's blessings. How did Abram resolve this conflict?
Look again at Genesis 13:9: "Is not the whole land before you? Separate yourself from me. If you take the left, then I will go to the right; or if you go to the right, then I will go to the left." How did Abram resolve the conflict with his nephew Lot? He told Lot, "Separate from me." Was it easy for Abram to say this to his nephew Lot? I don’t think it was at all. The reason I think so is that, in Genesis 12:4-5, when God commanded Abram, “Leave your country, your family, and your father's house, and go to the land that I will show you,” Abram obeyed and left his home and family in Haran with Lot. In other words, Abram, by leaving with his nephew Lot, shows that he loved Lot deeply as an uncle. Especially when Abram's brother Haran (Lot's father) had died in Ur of the Chaldeans while Abram’s father Terah was still alive (11:28), and since Sarai was unable to have children (v. 30), it seems that Abram loved Lot as his own son. Now, however, Abram tells Lot, "Separate from me. If you go left, I will go right, and if you go right, I will go left" (13:9). The "east" refers to the area around Ai (v. 3), and the "west" refers to the area near Bethel (v. 3). To clarify further, the eastern area near Ai was where Zoar, Sodom, and Gomorrah were located. Abram and Lot had pitched their tents between Bethel and Ai (v. 3), and their herdsmen were tending to their many livestock. Because of the growing conflict between the herdsmen, Abram did not want them to quarrel anymore (v. 8), so he told Lot to separate from him, offering him the choice of direction: if Lot went east, Abram would go west, and if Lot went west, Abram would go east (v. 9). Was this truly the best choice for Abram, to speak like this to his nephew Lot?
When there is conflict between parents and children in a family, it is not easy for parents to say to their children, "Go away." Especially after living together for 20-30 years, it would be difficult to resolve the conflict and send the child away for the sake of restoring peace and harmony between parent and child. If parents have not been able to foster the child’s independence, and the relationship between them is co-dependent, it becomes even harder. Here, “co-dependency” refers to a relational condition where one person enables the addiction, mental health decline, immaturity, irresponsibility, or underachievement of another person. The greatest feature of co-dependency is excessive dependence on others to gain recognition or a sense of identity. Co-dependency is often defined as a behavioral condition with symptoms that may be latent, situational, or episodic, resembling dependent personality disorder. From a parent’s perspective, letting go of a child becomes almost impossible in such circumstances. Of course, one could try to create physical distance, but the problem is that no matter how much parents try to distance themselves physically, if they have not been able to create emotional or psychological distance, then they haven’t truly let go of their child. In fact, by placing physical distance, parents may end up becoming even more emotionally or mentally attached to the child. This is why I believe it is very unhealthy for parents, especially mothers, to live solely for their children. In Korean dramas, you often see scenes where a mother says things like, “Look at how much I sacrificed for you ....” While this may seem like the mother’s best effort to love selflessly, in reality, it can become a source of painful guilt for the child who has not been let go. Especially if the child is already married and has a wife, but the mother cannot let go and continues to offer her “best love,” the pain the child experiences between his wife and mother can become a source of guilt. The son caught between his loving wife and mother will likely be torn, and there will likely be no peace in the marriage. How painful it must be for the wife who already struggles with her relationship with her mother-in-law and now faces a husband who sides with his mother instead of comforting her. How can she trust and depend on a husband who cannot even protect her from his own mother? A mother who cannot let go of her child doesn’t just harm the child but also risks damaging the child’s marriage.
When Abram said to his nephew Lot, "Go away from me; if you go to the left, I will go to the right, and if you go to the right, I will go to the left" (v. 9), Lot "looked up and saw that the whole plain of the Jordan was well watered, like the garden of the Lord, like the land of Egypt, toward Zoar" (v. 10). Therefore, Lot chose the east. T he reason for his choice was that he saw the east as a place that was "well watered" (v. 10). Since he had a large number of livestock, a place with abundant water appeared to be the right choice to him in a practical sense. In particular, to Lot, the east seemed "like the garden of the Lord and like the land of Egypt" (v. 10). This was a practical decision based on his view of material prosperity. His criterion for making the choice, it seems, was to protect and preserve his wealth and possessions. However, what he failed to consider was that the east was where "the people of Sodom were wicked and were sinning greatly against the Lord" (v. 13, Korean Modern Bible), and that this was before the Lord destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah (v. 10). As a result, when the kings of Sodom, Gomorrah, Admah, and Zeboim, and the king of Bela (Zoar), fought in the valley of Siddim against the kings of Elam, Shinar, and others, they were defeated. The four kings who were enemies of Sodom and Gomorrah captured all the goods and provisions of Sodom, and Lot, who was living in Sodom, was taken captive along with all his possessions (14:8-12). Moreover, Lot suffered because of the lawless and immoral behavior of the people in Sodom and Gomorrah (2 Peter 2:7). In other words, he was greatly distressed by seeing and hearing the wickedness of evil people every day (v. 8). This was the result of Lot's choice to go east. This was the outcome of his practical decision. By choosing the east to protect his possessions, Lot not only became a prisoner of war, losing all his wealth, but his righteous soul was also tormented (verse 8).
Did Abram know about all these facts when he said to his nephew Lot, "Go away from me" (Genesis 13:9)? Of course, he did not. If Abram had known, he would not have let Lot choose the east. However, at least what we can be sure of is that Abram gave Lot the right to choose first (v. 9). And I believe that Abram respected Lot's choice. This means that when Lot chose the east, Abram did not ask, "Why did you choose the east?" "I understand that the land was well watered, but should you choose the east only for the sake of your livestock?" "You should not only think about your wealth, but think and pray about God's will before making a decision." Without saying such things, Abram respected Lot’s choice. I often tell my three children this: "It’s okay to make mistakes and experience failures as long as you can learn from them. However, you must take responsibility for the results of your choices." The reason I say this to my children is that, as their father, I want to respect their choices. I also believe that, while they might make mistakes and wrong choices, they can learn valuable lessons from those bitter experiences through the Lord’s teaching. Furthermore, I want not only myself but also my children to become individuals who can take responsibility. When we make wrong choices and face the bitter consequences in life, I pray that we, as Christians, do not avoid it but take responsibility. If we consider this from the perspective of Abram, the little uncle, he saw that Lot chose the east, which led to the results of Lot becoming a war captive and losing all his possessions (Genesis 14). Additionally, in his conversation with God, Abram asked, "Will You destroy the righteous with the wicked? If there are fifty righteous people in that city (Sodom and Gomorrah, where Lot was living), will You not spare the place for the fifty righteous?" (18:23-24). He continued asking, reducing the number from fifty to forty, thirty, twenty, and even down to ten, saying, "What will You do if You find only ten?" (vv. 25-32). At that point, God responded, "For the sake of ten, I will not destroy it" (v. 32). However, when God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, which had no righteous people left, He spared Lot because "He remembered Abraham and made sure Lot escaped the disaster" (19:29, Korean Modern Bible). In this process, Abram "got up early in the morning and went to the place where he had stood before the Lord the day before, and looked down at Sodom and Gomorrah and all the land, and saw that smoke was rising from the land like the smoke of a furnace" (vv. 27-28, Korean Modern Bible). How do you think Abram felt at that moment? By giving Lot the choice first (13:9), Abram witnessed the bitter consequences of Lot's choice. If Abram had known that Lot would experience such bitterness in life as a result of choosing the east, would he have chosen the east himself and allowed Lot to choose the west? Perhaps this is the heart of a parent: "I would rather suffer the pain myself than watch my child suffer." But is this truly the kind of love that reflects God's love for His children? Of course, God's love is sacrificial, as He gave His only Son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross for us. But does God not respect the choices of His children, even though He knows the consequences of our wrong choices? Even though Abram may not have known the consequences of Lot's choice, doesn't our Heavenly Father love us so much that He respects our choices, even knowing the results?
After finishing the Saturday morning prayer meeting today, I was praying alone and reflecting on the message I received while thinking about myself, my beloved wife, and our three children. I prayed to God, asking Him to allow me to let go of my beloved wife and three children in faith. Of course, my beloved wife and I will live together on this earth until the day we die, but I prayed to God to help me let go of her in faith when she goes hiking, running, or even rock climbing on the mountains she enjoys. As I’ve mentioned before, Hebrews 11:6 says, “Without faith, it is impossible to please God ...," and I think to myself, "Without faith, I cannot support my wife.” Haha. No, when my wife comes home after hiking and says she saw a mountain lion or a bear, how do you think I, as her husband, feel? Haha. When I hear news online about women dying while hiking alone or groups of people dying while rock climbing, how do you think I feel? Haha. Yet, despite this, I continue to support my beloved wife by entrusting her to God in faith. Our beloved son Dillon is currently serving full-time in the Christian student club at his university, where he served during his college years, because the Lord has given him a heart for ministry. His one-year term of service will end at the end of July, but he plans to extend it for another year. During this time, Dillon has been in a relationship with his girlfriend, and I understand they’ve been together for almost three years now. It seems like he wants to marry her. Therefore, since there are no single women in our church’s English ministry, considering his girlfriend, Dillon shared with us that this coming Sunday will be his last Sunday at our church. Last week, he told me, my wife, and the pastor in charge of the English ministry that this coming Sunday would be his last. My two daughters are already attending different churches, and now Dillon will also leave our church. I respect my beloved son's decision and support him in leaving the church where I serve (though my mother may not agree. I’m sure she still doesn’t approve. Haha). Our beloved daughter Yeri has been very busy lately. Haha. Her boyfriend has come down from out of state and is staying at his relatives' house here in Southern California for about two weeks. Yeri goes there every day in the morning, and they spend the whole day together, probably returning home only in the early morning (since my wife and I are already asleep, Haha). For reference, her boyfriend is an only child. Haha. From what we see, he’s someone who hasn’t yet achieved independence from his parents.
He seems like a very good son. Last Sunday, I think he even asked his parents before meeting with us. When my wife found this out, she must have been quite worried. Of course, I can understand her concern, especially when I think about the struggles in the marriages of only sons who experience conflict with their mothers-in-law. However, this morning, while praying to God, I entrusted Yeri to Him as well. Since God loves Yerim more than anyone else, I have decided again to respect her choices and continue to support her in faith. I also entrust the future of their relationship to God. Even if our concerns come to pass and the situation unfolds as we fear, I trust in God, so I will give Yeri my trust, respect her choices, and pray, leaving the outcomes to God. When I pray for our beloved youngest, Karis, I can’t help but offer a prayer of thanksgiving to God. The reason is that a few months ago, when I asked God the Father to save Karis, He granted my request. After she entered university and began attending the Christian student group at the church Yeri goes to, she started feeling God’s love and personally met Jesus Christ. When she shared her testimony with me in the car, I couldn’t help but thank God. If it’s God's will, Karis will also have a boyfriend and eventually get married, and I am entrusting this important matter to God as well. In my heart, I have already let go of my three children. Though I am still fighting with myself because of various things, every time I face these challenges, I choose to trust in God. I give my children my trust, respect their decisions, and pray, leaving the results in God’s hands, doing my best in the process.
I would like to conclude my reflection on the Word here. Last Saturday, after the early morning prayer meeting, I wrote and shared a reflection based on Genesis 13:8, titled “Let’s Not Let There Be Strife Between Us” (1). However, after today’s morning prayer meeting, I revised the title to “Let’s Not Let There Be Strife Between Us” (2). The reason for this change is that I didn’t settle on the title “Let’s Not Let There Be Strife Between Us” (2), but instead chose the title “We must send our children away!” I chose this title because, in my heart, I have observed and continue to observe the pain and suffering of children whose parents (especially mothers?) have not been able to send them away in faith. I have seen the effects of this, particularly in the cases of married children suffering because their parents didn’t trust them to God. Especially when I think of a sister who shed tears in front of me due to the pain caused by conflicts with her mother-in-law (even her husband’s brothers, whom I had never met before, cried in front of me... 😢), my heart aches. Another couple, in my opinion, has had their marriage deeply affected by the ongoing conflict between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law over many years. I also think that this couple's pain stems from the fact that the widowed mother-in-law was unable to send her only son off in faith, which caused great distress in her son’s family. Another couple comes to mind, where the wife shared with me that she could not understand the relationship between her husband and his mother. I know that this couple is still going through great difficulty because of a significant fight they had, and during that crisis, the husband even reached out to me, saying he wanted to commit suicide. I shared these stories in a roundabout way because, in my view, parents (especially mothers) who cannot send their only son off in faith are causing pain and suffering in their children’s lives. It was because of this that I felt a strong need to title this reflection, “We must send our children away!” with a desperate heart. Of course, the reason I applied this reflection first to myself is that, like Abraham, the father of faith, who sent his beloved nephew Lot away in faith, I, too, have sent off my three children in faith and am still sending them away. I hope to continue doing so. And, when the Lord calls me, I will leave them, but for now, I entrust them to God with faith. Haha. Until then, as the head of my household, I have been devoted to raising the wife and three children whom the Lord has graciously given me, and I have committed myself to sending them off in faith. Just as Abraham sent Lot away, knowing that the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, which Lot chose in the east, were evil and filled with great sin in the eyes of God, so too did God the Father send His beloved and well-pleasing only Son, Jesus Christ, into this world, where only the wicked and the great sinners live, even though it is a world filled with sin. Although Lot did not know that Sodom and Gomorrah were evil and full of great sin, he chose the east, but Jesus Christ, the Son of God, knew that the world was full of sin and that the thoughts of mankind are always evil (Genesis 6:5), yet He came into this sinful and wicked world and gave His life for us on the cross (1 John 3:16). At that moment, Jesus cried out from the cross, "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?" (Matthew 27:46), but God the Father turned away from the cry of His beloved Son. Even to the point of turning away, God the Father loves us. And for that reason, I, in faith, send away my children—Dillon, Yeri, and Karis— with the love of God.
Learning the heart of God the Father, who sent His only Son, Jesus Christ, away,
James Kim
(July 30, 2022, as I again commit to send away my three children, Dillon, Yeri, and Karis, in faith, as a gift of grace from God the Father)