After reading my beloved daughter Karis’ reflection on “Looking Back on a Year
with Henri Nowen’s ‘Beloved’” …
Last Saturday, around 3:20 AM, as I was reading the reflection written by Karis titled "A Year in Review with Henri Nouwen’s Beloved,” I was so deeply moved that it brought tears to my eyes. The reason for this overwhelming emotion is because I saw with eyes of faith that God the Father has answered even my imperfect prayers, working in Karis' heart and life. What especially surprised me was that Karis, after reading Henri Nouwen's “Beloved”, took such an honest and transparent look at herself, reflecting deeply and even sharing her vulnerabilities in her writing. This was something I had not expected. Moreover, I reflected on the time when, about 20 years ago, from 2001 to 2003, I was physically and emotionally exhausted, fleeing to Korea to find rest. During that time, Henri Nouwen's books provided me with much-needed comfort and healing for my soul, challenging me and strengthening me. Now, seeing how God has led Karis, one of our children, to start reading Nouwen’s works, and even writing reflective pieces like this, fills me with deep gratitude for God’s love and grace, which have profoundly impacted her heart and life.
Earlier this year, after my beloved wife had a Bible study, she came home and shared with me, in tears, how she was blessed by the truth that she is a beloved daughter of God. Now, seeing how God has also blessed Karis by leading her to read Henri Nouwen’s “Beloved” and experience His grace and love, I am deeply thankful. This morning, shortly after midnight, I woke up from my sleep and slowly read through Karis’ writing again, reflecting on what message God might be trying to communicate to me through her words. As I meditated on her reflection, I broke it down into three parts for deeper thought:
First, I reflected on the word “Beloved”.
I looked up the word “beloved” in the Bible using an online Bible tool. It appears in various places throughout the 66 books of the Bible, and I selected five verses: (Matthew 3:17) “And behold, a voice from heaven said, ‘This is My beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased.’” (Matthew 12:18) “Behold, My servant whom I have chosen, My beloved, with whom My soul is well pleased. I will put My Spirit upon him, and he will proclaim justice to the Gentiles.” (2 Peter 1:17) “For when He received honor and glory from God the Father, and the voice was borne to Him by the Majestic Glory, ‘This is My beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased,’” (Song of Solomon 7:10) “I am my beloved’s, and his desire is for me.” (Romans 9:25, Korean Modern Bible) “As he says in Hosea, ‘Those who were not my people I will call “my people,” and her who was not beloved I will call “beloved.”’” As I meditated on Romans 9:25 from the Korean Modern Bible, I reflected on how before we believed in Jesus, we were like those whom God called “not My people.” Yet, by His love and grace, we have been transformed into “My beloved.” How immense and beautiful is God’s love and grace! I pray that I may grow even more in my understanding of this incredible love. And when I meditated on Matthew 3:17, Matthew 12:18, and 2 Peter 1:17 together, I was reminded that when God the Father spoke to His only Son, Jesus Christ, saying, “This is My beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased,” Jesus received honor and glory from God the Father. He also received the Spirit of God, through which He proclaimed justice to the Gentiles. As I looked up “beloved” in the Bible, I found that it appears most frequently in the Song of Solomon. Among the many verses, I chose Song of Solomon 7:10 because it highlights that Jesus belongs to the Father who loves Him, and likewise, we belong to Jesus, who loves us. As I reflected on this, I found comfort in realizing the depth, breadth, abundance, and height of God’s love for us.
Second, I thought about what Karis learned from the book “Beloved”, particularly the idea that “loneliness is not a bad thing.”
When I think about solitude, the first thing that comes to mind is Henri Nouwen’s words, “Make the lonely wilderness a garden of solitude.” I came across these words in Nouwen’s book about 20 years ago, and they have had such a great influence on me that I still can’t forget them. When I thought about what they meant, I thought of Jesus, who made the lonely wilderness a garden of solitude. When I read the Synoptic Gospels, we see that Jesus went to a “solitary place” to pray during his public ministry (Mark 1:35; Luke 5:16). Although it only appears twice that Jesus went to a “solitary place” to pray, it was actually Jesus’ habit to go to a solitary place and pray to God the Father. Luke 22:39 says, “Jesus went out, as was his custom, to the Mount of Olives; and his disciples followed him.” There he said to them, “Pray that you will not fall into temptation” (v. 40). Then he withdrew from them about a stone’s throw, knelt down, and prayed (v. 41): “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done” (v. 42). This is what makes a lonely wilderness a garden of solitude. Although we may feel lonely in the crowd as we follow Jesus in this world and do the Lord’s work, that loneliness, as Karis says in her writing, is a tool by which the Lord invites us to spend time with God (“where we discover the truth about who you are”).
In order to respond to this invitation from the Lord, we need to “let go of our busyness” and see our “emptiness as more opportunities,” as Karis said. Karis saw her emptiness as an opportunity to fill her heart with “better and better things, such as opening her heart and receiving God’s love.” In a word, only when we let go of our busyness and feel our emptiness can we fill our hearts with the best things, God’s love and God’s will. That is why Jesus prayed to God the Father in the Garden of Gethsemane, “Nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will” (Matthew 26:39, Korean Modern Bible).
Third and last, I thought about the fourth and final thing that Karis realized while reading and reflecting on the book “Beloved”: “I want to serve God more joyfully for His sake, not for my own merits.”
I found it interesting that Karis said that she wanted to serve God more joyfully for God’s sake rather than for her own merits. The reason, I think, is that if we think about, rely on, or boast about our own merits, we cannot serve God joyfully. In other words, if we have even a little sense of merit, we cannot serve God joyfully. A sense of merit may allow us to fully enjoy the joy that people give us, but it prevents us from experiencing the divine joy that God gives us. Therefore, we must be very wary of a sense of merit and be filled with a sense of grace. Then, when we serve God with God’s grace, we can serve God more with a grateful and joyful heart that God gives us.
Another thing I want to think about is the Bible story of Martha and Mary, which Henri Nouwen mentioned in his article (Luke 10:38-42): “In short, he (Henri Nouwen) says that the reason Jesus rebuked Martha was not because she was too busy serving Him, but because her own insecure behavior fueled her busyness. He says that if our activities come from insecurity about who we are, we may not serve the kingdom. It becomes an act of faithlessness, wanting to prove something and show something” (Karis). When I reread this article, I thought that Martha’s insecure behavior came from insecurity about who she was. If I think about it the other way around, if Martha had a conviction that she was God’s beloved daughter, she would never have acted in an insecure way. She would not have been “crowded about much preparation” (v. 40). She would not have said to Jesus, “Lord, do you not see that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself? Help me” (v. 40, Korean Modern Bible). In short, if Martha had a clear sense of her identity as God’s beloved daughter, she would not have been “worried and troubled about many things” (v. 41) but would have been “necessary for only a few things, or even for one” (v. 42). She, like her sister Mary, would have been “sitting before the Lord and listening to his word” (v. 39, Korean Modern Bible). This makes me think about how important it is for us to have a clear sense of our identity as God’s beloved sons/daughters. If I were to sum it up in one word, it would be the title of the book by Henri Nouwen that Karis read, “Beloved”. If we have the conviction that “I am a beloved being (son/daughter) of God!”, our actions (service) that naturally come from the conviction of being a loving being will never be unstable (without worrying, being anxious, or comparing ourselves to those around us), but rather, we will choose what is good in the eyes of the Lord, sit before the Lord, listen to His words, and live a life of obedience.
In conclusion, Karis writes, “Looking Back on a Year with Henri Nouwen’s ‘Beloved’,” and says, “Ultimately, this book is simply a tool to help me become more intentional about the ways God works and moves through my daily life. I hope these reflections will remind me and others in my life that God is very real and very active. He continues to amaze me in such a way that He blesses me. With grace, Karis.” As Karis says, our God is truly alive! Our living God blessed our beloved daughter, Karis, through Henri Nouwen’s book, “Beloved.” I can only give thanks. When I pray to God in memory of my three children, I pray to God for the meaning of each of their names. The English name “Karis” means “grace” in Greek (I gave the same name to my firstborn, “Charis,” who died in my arms). And her Korean name is “Ye-eun,” which means “the grace of Jesus.” So, whenever I pray to God for her, I pray, “God, please help my beloved Karis realize and understand the grace of God so that she can become a person who bestows grace on others. However, I am enjoying the grace and blessing of seeing God answering my insufficient prayers through Karis’ life. As Karis said, I hope that Karis’ reflection, “Looking back on the year with Henle Nouwen’s ‘Beloved’,” and the writing I wrote after reading her article will remind you that God is truly real (alive) and working.
Believing that I am who I am is entirely by the grace of God,
James Kim, father of Karis
(May 3, 2023, in gratitude for the blessings the Lord, the master of our family, has bestowed upon our family of five that we are sons and daughters whom God loves)
