A growing marital relationship
Here in Mongolia, it is Friday at 4:31 AM. I woke up from sleep and took some medicine again because I still have a bit of a cough. Since I couldn’t fall back asleep easily, I decided—perhaps a bit recklessly—to reflect on this recent mission trip and the many people I met, focusing only on the topic of ‘family’ as I organize my thoughts into writing. I pray that God grants me wisdom and helps me in this:
(1) Spouses can feel lonely.
My wife once told me that she felt lonely, and through the encounters on this mission trip, I came to realize that the reason might be that I have not been standing in her shoes or doing the things she wants to do with me. This realization convicted me and challenged me, so I made a promise to take her on a camping trip, just the two of us, and to go indoor rock climbing together. Before it’s too late. Because I don’t want to live with regret. And because I’ve come to a deeper realization that loving my wife is not something I should take for granted.
(2) Spouses may struggle to fully share their emotional pain.
The first reason for this is that even when spouses do share their emotional pain, they tend to listen and process it primarily from their own perspective. Second, even when they do share, they often lack a sufficient level of empathy to satisfy each other’s emotional needs. As a result, thirdly, spouses may become reluctant to fully share their emotional burdens with one another. When couples are unable to adequately share their emotional pain, they may begin to feel lonely. If that loneliness becomes too overwhelming, they may seek the help of a third party and end up sharing their emotional struggles with that person more than with their own spouse.
(3) Seeking help from a third party can be beneficial for a marriage.
When it comes to third-party help, we typically think of professional Christian counselors. However, since many husbands may be reluctant to seek counseling, someone like a pastor—such as myself—could also serve in this role. In many cases, a wife or husband may reach out to a pastor to share their struggles, even if they do not meet in person, as communication platforms like KakaoTalk are available. When a third party listens, they must do so with an open heart—without preconceived notions or a critical mindset. Instead, they should listen with the heart of the Lord, to the point of deeply empathizing with the person's pain. This level of listening is ultimately the work of the Holy Spirit. When the Holy Spirit moves, the third party’s role allows the struggling individual to pour out their heart and, in doing so, receive comfort.
(4) It is important to pour out our painful family history not only to God but also to a trusted, loving person.
If someone has only ever shared their painful family history with God, they should also be able to share it with their loving spouse. However, the challenge is that even when they do, they may not receive the comfort they truly need. Moreover, if they do not experience healing for the pain caused by their family history, they may require the help of a third party. This third party does not necessarily have to be a pastor or a professional counselor. Sometimes, a closest friend—other than one’s spouse—can serve in this role. Why is this important? Because opening up to a trusted third party about one’s painful family history can aid in emotional healing. In this healing process, the first step is to accept rather than deny the painful family history. This acceptance is crucial in beginning the journey toward healing. The second step is confrontation—facing and addressing the painful family history. Instead of avoiding it to the point where one refuses to think or talk about it, they must bring it out from the depths of their heart with the courage that God provides. They must confront it and ask God to rescue them from its grip so that their past no longer holds them back. Through God’s truth, they must find freedom. Even if this healing process takes a long time, they must take the first step, relying on the strength of God’s grace.
(5) Clearly establish healthy boundaries in family relationships.
During this mission trip, one thought repeatedly came to mind: if each person I met had set clearer and healthier boundaries, their situations might have been much better. Many individuals are experiencing conflicts with their parents, and these conflicts are not only causing great distress but also negatively impacting their marriage. In fact, tensions with parents can directly create conflicts within the marriage itself. Therefore, couples must prioritize their marital relationship before God and prevent parental conflicts from negatively affecting their union. In particular, a husband must set clear and healthy boundaries with his mother to ensure that her influence does not harm his relationship with his wife. This will require wisdom and courage from God. Additionally, a husband must always remember that when it comes to honoring and caring for both sets of parents, his wife must remain his priority. Parents are third parties, and even children are third parties in the marriage. It is essential to establish firm boundaries so that these third parties do not introduce conflict into the marital relationship.
(6) Husbands must love their wives as Christ loves the Church.
This is a truth we already know from Scripture, yet in reality, many of us fail to truly obey it in our marriages. I realized through an honest conversation with a brother that I, too, have not been loving my wife as I should. After parting ways with that brother, I contacted my wife and promised to go camping and indoor rock climbing with her—things she had wanted to do together. Though these may seem like small steps, I want to begin here. Another realization I had during a different conversation with a brother was that as husbands, we must not only view things from our own perspective but also consider our wives' perspectives. The stronger our own standpoint, the more difficult it becomes to recognize and prioritize our wives’ feelings. As a result, we often fail to be sensitive to our wives’ silent struggles, and even if we do notice them, we may not offer the level of empathy and understanding they need. When this happens, our wives may feel deeply disappointed that they cannot receive the emotional connection and understanding they desire from their husbands. Over time, they may eventually resign themselves to living without that hope.
(7) A wise wife builds up her husband by respecting and submitting to Him.
In marriage, the Crazy Cycle occurs when a husband disobeys God’s Word by failing to love his wife as Christ loves the church. As a result, the wife does not submit to or respect her husband as the church does to Christ. When a husband does not receive respect and submission from his wife, he, in turn, does not show love to her. This cycle, if left unbroken, can lead to a marriage that feels like a living hell. However, a heavenly marriage is one where the husband loves his wife as Christ loves the church, and the wife submits to and respects her husband as the church does to Christ. Establishing such a healthy marriage requires both partners to play their roles faithfully. While the husband's role is crucial, the wife’s role is equally important. A key role of the wife is to wisely build up her husband. For example, a wise wife respects and submits to her husband, thereby honoring him in front of their children. She upholds him as the head of the household. This is an essential aspect of fostering a godly and thriving marriage.