The cunning Satan who attacks our families.
“In the course of time, Amnon son of David fell in love with Tamar, the beautiful sister of Absalom son of David. Amnon became frustrated to the point of illness on account of his sister Tamar, for she was a virgin, and it seemed impossible for him to do anything to her. Now Amnon had a friend named Jonadab son of Shimeah, David's brother. Jonadab was a very shrewd man.” (2 Samuel 13:1-3)
The Family is a Spiritual Battleground! Satan is constantly attacking our families. Pastor Warren Wiersbe said in his book "Strategy for Spiritual Warfare" the following: “Satan attacked the family by separating Adam and Eve when Eve needed Adam's spiritual authority. Eve acted independently of her husband, leading him into sin." “When Christians marry outside of God's will, Satan can freely operate in that family. If one or both spouses are immature for marriage, Satan will easily find openings for attack. If the married couple does not obey the Bible's teachings or cannot leave their parents, and thus gives space for parents to interfere, Satan can easily attack their marriage" (Wiersbe). How do you feel about this statement? I truly believe it is something we cannot deny. As Pastor Wiersbe said, Satan attacked the first couple in Genesis, and this is something we all must acknowledge (Genesis 3). I fully agree with his point that when Eve, the wife, needed her husband Adam's spiritual authority, Satan separated them. As a result, Eve acted independently of Adam (eating from the tree of knowledge) and led her husband into sin. However, I also believe that Adam, the husband, was attacked by Satan and failed to exercise his spiritual authority, being led astray by the temptation of his wife Eve. Also, just as Pastor Wiersbe said, how many husbands and wives today are under attack from Satan because they cannot leave their parents and allow their parents to interfere in their marital relationships? Especially, how many couples are under attack because the husband allows his mother to interfere in his marriage? When there is discord in a marriage, Satan can easily magnify even the smallest issues and turn them into a crisis for the couple. Couples are bound to be different, and the Lord intends for these differences to complement one another. However, Satan encourages them to compare each other, or compare themselves to other "perfect" couples, causing dissatisfaction and complaints. Satan causes couples to maximize each other's weaknesses while minimizing their strengths, making even the smallest things seem like insurmountable problems.
The Lord desires to establish our families as a reflection of heaven. That is why He has given us the twofold commandment of Jesus, the commandments of heaven (Matthew 22:37, 39). And the Lord pours His love into us through the Holy Spirit (Romans 5:5) so that we may obey these commandments, and gradually fills us with the fruit of the Spirit—love—more and more (Galatians 5:22). Therefore, our responsibility is to obey these commandments, following the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and for the entire family to love God with all our hearts and souls (Philippians 1:27; 2:2), and to love one another as ourselves. As we do so, our families will be transformed into heaven, and they will be filled with the joy of heaven (John 15:11; 1 John 1:4), love (Psalms 33:5), and peace (Romans 15:13). However, Satan desires to turn our families into hell. He tempts us to disobey the twofold commandment of Jesus (Ephesians 2:2; 5:6) and instead, makes us hate one another (Genesis 37:5; Deuteronomy 22:13; Matthew 24:10; 1 John 2:9). With the spirit of lies, Satan sows hatred in our hearts (Deuteronomy 21:17; 2 Samuel 13:15; Proverbs 10:12) and leads us to do dark deeds (Isaiah 29:15; Ezekiel 8:12; Ephesians 5:11), causing our families to bear bitter fruit (Romans 7:5). Thus, Satan makes us unwilling to go home to a hellish household, causing us to linger outside or, even further, to want to leave the home entirely. Satan also causes us to not want to see our family members, and makes us grow in hatred toward our spouse. In the midst of that growing hatred, Satan exploits the breach in the marriage relationship (Nehemiah 4:3, the Hebrew word for "breach"; 6:1), enticing one of the spouses to become interested in another person. With lustful eyes and sinful desires (1 John 2:16), Satan leads them to seek out another partner, eventually leading them to commit adultery. The goal is for Satan to destroy and ruin our families, preventing them from becoming a family of heaven, and instead, turning them into a family like hell. This is a spiritual battle! The family is a battlefield! What should we do? We must engage in spiritual warfare.
In today's passage, 2 Samuel 13:1-3, we see the story of David’s family, which fell victim to a cunning attack by Satan. I would like to reflect on the lessons from this passage, focusing on 2 Samuel chapters 13 and 14, and apply these teachings to our own families. My hope is that as we apply these lessons to our homes, we will become more aware of how the deceitful Satan is attacking our families, and that we can reflect seriously on how we can fight this spiritual battle and become victorious families. I pray that this reflection will help us think deeply and pray about how to overcome the challenges and strengthen our families in the Lord.
First, we must resist Satan's attacks in relationships, whether they be in romantic relationships or marriage.
Here is the passage from 2 Samuel 13:1-3: "Sometime later, Absalom, the son of David, had a beautiful sister named Tamar, and Amnon, the son of David, fell in love with her. Amnon became so obsessed with his sister Tamar that he made himself ill. She was a virgin, and it seemed impossible for him to do anything to her. Now Amnon had an adviser, a man named Jonadab, the son of David's brother Shimeah; and Jonadab was a very shrewd man." In the final Sunday service of September 2018, during the English worship, I asked the high school and young adult brothers and sisters in Christ attending the service: "What do you think is important in romantic relationships or marriage?" I received the following responses: (1) "Trust," (2) "Communication," (3) "Supportive," (4) "Sacrifice," (5) "Respect," (6) "Loyalty." However, as God has allowed me to become aware of those in difficulty in relationships, especially in romantic relationships or marriages, and having conversations with them, I have seen that although trust is so important, it is often broken, leading to questioning, doubt, and even distrust between each other. Also, while communication is recognized as essential in both romantic and marital relationships, men and women often do not understand each other’s communication styles and continue to use their own style of communication, which inevitably leads to conflict. In addition to these, things like mutual support, sacrifice, respect, loyalty, and faithfulness are all important in relationships, but the problem is that the cunning Satan attacks these aspects and twists them. Satan twists not only the trust in relationships but also attacks the emotions of men and women in romantic or marital relationships, causing them to become disloyal to each other. Until early last year, I thought that a wrong relationship in marriage was only referred to as an "affair" or "infidelity." However, the first time I heard the term "emotional cheating" was from a sister who was going through marital difficulties. It was a term that was somewhat unfamiliar to me. But then, I recalled a conversation I had a few years ago when a sister told me that the reason she divorced her husband was that they didn't have an "emotional connection." This made me realize how important "emotion" is in a marital relationship. I heard both the terms "emotional connection" and "emotional cheating" from different sisters, and from the perspective of these wives, I was reminded once again of how significant emotions are in a relationship (since I have never heard such terms from brothers).
In today's passage, 2 Samuel 13:1 begins with "After this," referring to the events following King David’s sin with Bathsheba. David had seen Bathsheba, the wife of Uriah, bathing and, in his lust, brought her to himself and slept with her (11:2-4). After she became pregnant (v. 5), David, attempting to cover up his adultery, intentionally had Uriah killed on the battlefield (vv. 6-26). This was evil in the sight of God (12:9), and God punished David by causing the child born from Bathsheba to fall ill and die after a period of suffering (12:15-18). "After this" (13:1), David’s son Amnon fell deeply in love with his half-sister Tamar, the beautiful sister of his brother Absalom. His infatuation with her became so intense that he eventually fell ill over it. Since Tamar was a "virgin and of good character," Amnon found it difficult to approach her and was helpless in his desire for her (vv. 1-2). At that point, Amnon’s "very crafty friend," Jonadab, the son of David's brother Shimeah, came to him (v. 3). As I meditated on this passage, I was reminded of Genesis 3, where the "serpent" approached Eve. The reason this connection came to mind is because the Bible tells us that "the serpent was more cunning than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made" (Genesis 3:1). I believe that the most cunning Satan is the one who tempts us when we fall deeply in love with someone we should not love, and even become ill from our obsession. But when we find ourselves helpless and unable to act, he easily approaches us with a "good trick," saying, "Do as I tell you" and tempts us. How can we know this? Because in today’s text, the very cunning Jonadab easily approached Amnon, who was sick and depressed every day because of his love for his half-sister Tamar, and said, “Go to bed and pretend to be sick. When your father (father David) comes to see you, send your sister Tamar so that she can prepare some food for you while you watch. Then tell him, ‘I will make you feel better if Tamar eats the food I have prepared with her own hands” (2 Samuel 13:5, Korean Modern Bible). This very cunning trick by Jonadab made Tamar and Amnon’s father David get involved (just like making parents or children get involved in a marital relationship to cause marital conflict), and eventually made Tamar, whom Amnon could not easily approach, come to Amnon’s house. And she made Amnon, who was lying in bed pretending to be sick, take some flour, knead it, make cakes in front of her half-brother Amnon, and go into the bedroom where Amnon was lying and feed him the bread herself. Eventually, when Tamar approached Amnon to feed him, Amnon grabbed her and forced her to “come and lie with me, my sister.” Tamar refused, but Amnon did not listen to her and, being stronger than Tamar, he attacked her and raped her (vv. 5-14). The most cunning Satan, although Amnon loved Tamar very much and was greatly in love with her, could not easily approach her and was so obsessed with her that he became sick, approached Amnon through the very cunning Jonadab and made him do “this foolish thing” (v. 12) by “attacking her and raping her” (v. 14). In addition, Satan made Amnon’s love for Tamar turn into hatred, and he hated her with a hatred greater than the love he had for her (v. 15). Yet foolish Amnon did not know that it was a greater sin to hate Tamar and send her away than to love her so much and rape her (vv. 15-16). The ignorance of such a fool reveals his foolishness to everyone (Ecclesiastes 10:3). And yet a fool does not know his own shame (see Zephaniah 3:5). In this way, the most cunning Satan makes people commit sins such as adultery and rape “with craftiness and deceit” (2 Corinthians 12:16, Korean Modern Bible) in their relationships with the opposite sex, and turns love into hatred.
However, Jesus knew the craftiness of Satan (see Luke 20:23), and when the crafty Satan tempted Jesus, Jesus resisted the devil with the word of God recorded in the Old Testament and won (Matthew 4:1-11; James 4:7). Like Jesus, we too must “put on the full armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil” (Ephesians 6:11). And like Jesus, we must resist the crafty temptations of Satan with the word of God and win. In particular, we must be very careful about the temptations of the crafty Satan in our relationships with the opposite sex. If a man and a woman who should not love each other love each other very much and one of them is in love with the other, the very fact that they are in the same room together is a situation in which they cannot help but fall for the crafty temptations of Satan. To avoid such a situation, the man and woman need to set healthy boundaries and distance themselves from each other. However, they need to clearly set a distance in their hearts and especially in their emotions, rather than a physical distance. The reason is that if you love and yearn for someone too much to the point of becoming sick, you run the risk of doing something foolish. Amnon’s foolishness was that he told his father David as Tamar, whom he loved and yearned for very much, told him, and so he rejected Tamar’s good plan to marry Amnon, and because he was stronger than her, he raped her. As a result, Amnon became “the most foolish man in Israel” (2 Samuel 13:1-2, 12-14, Korean Modern Bible).
A fool thinks only of the pleasures he can see (Ecclesiastes 7:4), his heart is inclined to do evil (10:2), and he acts rashly (Proverbs 14:16). As a result, the fool will pay for his foolishness (14:18) and die in his stubbornness (1:31).
Second, when the cunning Satan attacks our families, the role of the father as the head of the household is very important.
A person named Jae-hyuk Jin said the following in an article titled "A Parent's Leadership Determines a Child's Future": "Although it may be possible to achieve desired results from people through authoritarian charisma, if one cannot truly move people's hearts and gain the trust of those who follow them, that cannot be called true leadership" (Internet). What, then, is the true leadership of a father towards his children? God has given fathers (husbands) the authority to lead their families. And fathers are responsible for leading their families well with the divine authority God has given them. However, the problem is that many fathers are sometimes referred to as authoritarian fathers by their children. Why is that? Perhaps the reason is that we lack patience. In other words, it may be because we want quick results from our children. While authoritarian charisma may bring quick results or behavior, it does not truly move the hearts of our children. So, what should we fathers do? How can we lead our families well as heads of the household? I have thought of three ways:
(1) Fathers, as the heads of the household, should not abuse the authority God has given us.
The reason for this is that when we abuse the authority God has given us, we will never be able to win the hearts of our children. Instead, we should wisely use the authority given to us by God to maintain peace and order in the home. Nowadays, many families seem to have seen the authority of the father diminished. Since the wife ignores the husband's authority, the children, following their mother's example, seem to be disregarding the father as well. This is a serious issue. While the abuse of authority is a serious problem, the disregard of authority is also a serious problem.
(2) Fathers, as the heads of the household, should trust their children.
Of course, this will not be easy. Especially when parents believe that their children have lied to them, trusting them becomes very difficult. However, if we trust God completely and entrust our children to Him, we will be able to trust our children. And because we trust God, we must be dedicated to trusting our children. In doing so, we will win their hearts. Even if the quick results we want and expect are not immediately visible, as we dedicate ourselves to trusting our children, gradually their hearts will come to trust and follow their fathers.
(3) Fathers, as the heads of the household, should have heart-to-heart conversations with their children.
Especially, fathers should open their hearts and have one-on-one conversations with their sons. Of course, this won’t be easy. For fathers who are not used to talking, engaging in conversation with their children may feel unfamiliar. However, it is necessary. We must intentionally try to converse with our children. Instead of formal conversations, we need to have honest discussions that open our hearts to one another. When heart-to-heart conversations take place, fathers will be able to guide their children well.
In my opinion, based on the context of 2 Samuel 13:1-3, I think King David may have ruled the nation well, but he failed to lead his own family properly. The reason I think this is that David was completely unaware of his son Amnon's actions. For example, it seems that David did not know that his son Amnon was deeply in love with his half-sister Tamar. Additionally, David did not know that Amnon was "lying in bed pretending to be sick." If David had known about this, when Amnon asked him to "send Tamar to make food for me in front of me," David should not have ordered Tamar to go to Amnon's house and prepare food for him (vv. 6-7, Korean Modern Bible). The reason is that it would have been like giving a fish to a cat. How could David have directed Tamar to go to Amnon's house and prepare food for him, knowing that Amnon loved, desired, and was even sick because of his obsession with Tamar? As a result, Amnon raped Tamar (v. 14). Can we say that his father David was not at all responsible?
I think Tamar’s going to Amnon’s house was like “an ox going to the slaughter, or a deer running into a snare” (Proverbs 7:22, Korean Modern Bible). Of course, the execution of all these cunning plans came from the very cunning mind of Jonadab, but I wonder if we can say that Amnon and Tamar’s father David was not at all responsible. After this incident, Tamar, who was raped by her half-brother Amnon, lived miserably in her brother Absalom’s house. At that time, Absalom hated Amnon for raping his sister Tamar and would not speak to him at all (2 Samuel 13:20, 22). Two years later, Absalom held a feast and invited not only all the princes but also his father, King David (vv. 23-24). At that time, his father David did not go to the feast because he thought it would be “too much of a burden” for Absalom, but instead blessed Absalom (v. 25, Korean Modern Bible). Then Absalom said to his father David, “If so, let my brother Amnon go with us.” King David asked, “Why should Amnon go with you?” (v. 26, Korean Modern Bible). However, because Absalom persisted in urging him, King David sent Amnon and all the other king’s sons with Absalom, even though he did not know why Amnon should go with him (v. 27). Father David, who did not want to burden his son too much, eventually gave in to Absalom’s pleas, even though he did not know why his son was pleading with him. As a result, Absalom killed Amnon (v. 29). How much must Absalom have sharpened his sword of revenge to kill Amnon, who had raped his sister, during those two years? In the meantime, father David was “very angry” when he heard all that Amnon had done to Tamar (v. 21). The Bible does not say that father David rebuked his foolish son Amnon, let alone lovingly disciplined him. Also, the Bible does not say that father David visited his daughter Tamar, who was living miserably in Absalom’s house, to comfort her. Perhaps David was so busy with the affairs of the nation as the king of Israel that he had no time to do household chores.
Third and last, the cunning Satan attacks our families and makes it so that we cannot forgive each other. However, as believers in Jesus Christ, we must forgive one another just as God the Father has forgiven us in Christ Jesus.
In his book “Resolving Conflict”, Lou Priolo discusses why we are unable to forgive our parents or our spouses. He says: "Perhaps the reason is that you are focusing on the hurts you received from them and on the people who caused those hurts. When they deeply hurt you, they planted seeds of bitterness in the soil of your heart. But instead of forgiving them when the seeds of bitterness began to sprout, you allowed those seeds to grow by continually thinking about the hurts they caused you, instead of uprooting them. As a result, you have focused on the wounds for so long, and bitterness has taken root in your heart. Bitterness is the result of not forgiving them. Forgiveness is not focusing on the person who hurt you, but focusing on the God who works through those wounds to bring glory to Himself" (a good example is Joseph) (Priolo). Joseph in the book of Genesis not only sincerely forgave his brothers who hated him and even tried to kill him, but he also comforted them with kind words, took care of them and their children, and lived to be 110 years old (Genesis 50:21, 26). How was this possible? Joseph was able to do good to his brothers, who had tried to harm him, because he had tasted God's goodness (Psalms 34:8). In other words, although his brothers had intended to harm him, Joseph realized that God turned it into good, fulfilling His good purpose by saving many lives (Genesis 50:20; see also Romans 12:2). This understanding allowed him to truly forgive his brothers, comfort them with kind words, and take care of them and their children until his death. What makes it possible for us to not only forgive those who have wronged us, but also to do good to the evil people who sought to harm us, even comforting and caring for them? It is only when God enables us, through faith, to understand that He turns the evil intended for us into good, fulfilling His good purpose. This great grace of God is what we long for.
In the context of today's passage from 2 Samuel 13:1-3, it appears that Absalom hated Amnon for defiling his sister Tamar, and for about two years, he likely did not speak to him at all (2 Samuel 13:22-23). After those two years, Absalom killed Amnon and fled to Geshur, where he stayed for three years (v. 38). As a result, it seems that Absalom had no communication with his father, David, for five years. However, despite longing for his son Absalom (v. 39), David did not search for Absalom during those three years of exile. Reflecting on this, it does not seem that the relationship between Father David and son Absalom was healthy. Eventually, General Joab, knowing that King David longed for Absalom, sent a woman from Tekoa and instructed her to speak wisely to the king (14:2). After she was given the message, she went to King David (v. 19). The wise woman said to King David, “You have spoken like someone guilty of sin” (v. 13, Korean Modern Bible). The reason for this was that David had said he would take responsibility for the woman's family matter, commanding that no one harm her remaining son—who had killed his brother (v. 6). Furthermore, David swore by the name of the living Lord that "not a hair of your son will fall to the ground" (v. 11, Korean Modern Bible). However, by not bringing his exiled son Absalom back to the palace, King David had become, in the eyes of the wise woman, "like someone guilty of sin" (v. 13, Korean Modern Bible).
As I meditate on this passage, I believe that King David was not only "like a guilty person," but in fact, he had sinned. That sin was not forgiving his son Absalom. I think David did not truly forgive Absalom, who had killed his other son Amnon. Eventually, David brought Absalom back from Geshur to Jerusalem (v. 21), but he made him stay at his own house without appearing before him for two years. The reason was that David did not want to see Absalom (vv. 24, 28). Could it be that, just as Absalom hated Amnon for two years (until he killed him), David also hated Absalom for two years? During those two years in Jerusalem, Absalom wanted to meet his father, King David, whom he had not yet seen, and asked General Joab to intercede on his behalf. But Joab refused to meet with him (v. 29). In desperation, Absalom ordered his servants to set fire to Joab's barley field, which finally caused Joab to meet with him (vv. 30-31). At that time, Absalom said to Joab: "I called you here because I wanted you to ask the king why he brought me from Geshur if he had no intention of seeing me. I would rather have stayed there. Now, let the king meet with me. If I have done anything wrong, let him kill me" (v. 32, Korean Modern Bible). When I think about Absalom's actions and words, I believe he truly missed his father, David. He wanted to see him. He just wanted to meet his father. But King David, after bringing him from Geshur to Jerusalem, did not meet with him even once for two years. That is why Absalom said to Joab that he would have preferred to stay in Geshur instead of coming to Jerusalem.
As I meditate on this passage, I believe that even though a father and son may live under the same roof, a heart that does not forgive creates distance between them. A heart of hatred makes people distance themselves from each other, but a heart of forgiveness brings them closer together. No matter how much one longs for another, if there is no heart of forgiveness, they will inevitably create distance between themselves. If David had truly forgiven his son Absalom, he would not have brought him to Jerusalem after he had been in Geshur for three years and then made him stay away from him for another two years. What father could go for five years without seeing a child he has forgiven? In my view, David was a sinner. He was a father who did not forgive his child. Pastor Eugene Peterson, in his book “Leap Over a Wall”, says that one of the greatest sins David committed in his life, for which he paid the heaviest price, was his inability to truly forgive his son Absalom. The more David distanced himself from his son Absalom without forgiving him, the further he also drifted from God (Peterson).
A heart that does not forgive not only distances itself from those who have hurt us, but also becomes distant from God. In other words, a heart that does not forgive cannot enjoy intimate fellowship with the Lord. Therefore, just as the Lord has forgiven us, we too must forgive our family members. As God forgave us in Christ, we must also forgive one another (Ephesians 4:32). People of this world, who belong to this age, might say, "I will never forgive, even if it kills me!" But the people of God, who belong to the coming age (the heavenly kingdom), forgive even unto death, just as Jesus forgave us to the point of dying on the cross (Luke 23:34; 1 Corinthians 15:40, 48, 49; Philippians 3:20; 1 John 5:19). When someone we love wrongs us, instead of focusing on how much and how great their wrongs are, we must first see the greatness and the magnitude of our own sins before God. When we do this, just as God has forgiven us in Jesus Christ, we will not only forgive that person from the heart, but we will also find the courage to accept them and love them even more than before.
I would like to conclude with a reflection on the word. The deceitful Satan, as he did with Jonadab, is still behind the scenes orchestrating evil, attacking the families of believers in Jesus Christ, the descendants of David, and bringing them to ruin. Therefore, we must resist the attacks of Satan in relationships, both in romantic and marital contexts. While the Lord desires to build our families as a reflection of heaven, Satan aims to turn them into hell. The Lord has given us the commandments of loving God and loving our neighbors, which are the commands of heaven, but Satan has given us the commandments of hatred, which are from hell. Our responsibility is to obey the Lord’s commandments and, with one heart and one mind, love God and love one another with His love. However, Satan continues to attack us, tempting us repeatedly to disobey the Lord’s commandments and make us hate each other. This is indeed a spiritual battle! We must keep this in mind. When Satan attacks our families, the role of the father as the head of the household is extremely important. The spiritual health of the husband and father is crucial within the family. While a husband should, of course, lovingly care for, guide, and support his wife’s spiritual health, a wise wife should be willing to sacrifice for the sake of helping the spiritual growth of her husband, the head of the family. All of us fathers must be fathers who are assured of our salvation. We fathers must be filled with the power of the gospel of Jesus Christ. To do this, we fathers must hear the gospel of Jesus Christ and truly understand God’s grace, living a life that bears fruit. In our families, just as God the Father forgives us, we too must forgive one another. As those who have been forgiven by God the Father in Jesus Christ, we must forgive our family members from the heart, just as God has forgiven us.
I earnestly pray that the Lord will establish our family as the Lord-centered family,
James Kim
(March 18, 2023, with a heart praying for a family that, through faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, fights and overcomes the cunning and deceptive attacks of Satan on the family, giving glory to God)