A transformed family
“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:2)
Pastor Dallas Willard, in his book “Renovation of the Heart,” says, “The only way to truly conquer the external evil is through deep internal change” (Willard). Do you and I believe that the only way to truly conquer external evil is through deep internal change?
Personally, I am pursuing internal change not only for myself but also for my physical family members and spiritual family members. In other words, I want to focus on the internal changes that God sees, rather than the external changes that are visible to others, as I carry out my personal faith journey, family ministry, and pastoral ministry. The reason is that without internal change, true external change cannot happen. I personally believe that the problem among Christians is that we tend to neglect internal transformation while focusing too much on external change. Without a fundamental change in our hearts, we end up pursuing surface-level changes. As a result, instead of Christians being a good influence on the world, we are influenced by the world, imitating its ways and living in a way that causes us to sin and become corrupted before God and others. Outwardly, we may seem like we have great faith, pray well, have good knowledge of the Bible, and serve the church diligently. But without a fundamental change in our hearts, even after attending church for many years, there may be no noticeable change in our character or actions.
Personally, I consider my family to be a wilderness and, seeking God's help, I am carrying out my family ministry. The reason I came to this realization is because of reading John Bevere’s book, “Growing Strong in Dry Times”. As I read this book, I came to the conclusion that not only the church but especially the family should also be treated as a wilderness. There are two reasons for this:
(1) The reason we must treat the family as a wilderness, or rather the unavoidable reason, is because all the sins of our family members will inevitably be exposed.
Especially when I think about the marital relationship, I believe there is no better place than the family for all of our sins to be exposed. Of course, when all our sins are exposed within the family, it is truly painful and distressing. There is naturally suffering and sorrow. It can certainly cause deep wounds to one another. However, couples who treat their family as a wilderness can, through such processes, see how sinners live by God’s grace. Therefore, the sins exposed in the marital relationship are viewed with God’s grace. Couples who come to understand this grace, when their sins are exposed in front of the holy God, will accept and recognize each other, seeing each other as they are, with all their flaws. In this process, we come to acknowledge and confess that not only I, but my spouse, have been made by God’s grace. In this way, we relate to one another with the grace of God, who loves sinners like us. We forgive each other’s faults and sins, and with the heart of God the Father, we embrace and love one another. However, we also realize that this is not something we can do by our own strength, so we must remain before God in the wilderness-like family, earnestly seeking Him. As we seek Him, God works in each of our hearts and grants us grace, enabling us to relate to one another with the grace and love that God gives us. Therefore, we must treat our family as a wilderness because there is no better place than the family for all of our sins to be exposed."
(2) The reason we must consider our family as a wilderness is because, rather than demanding what we want from each other, we must fill each other's needs.
A family is not a place where spouses demand what they want from each other. However, we often want our spouse to satisfy our personal desires. The problem arises when these desires are not met by the other person, leading to complaints, resentment, and arguments between the couple. When the Israelites spent 40 years in the wilderness, they thought their desires were not being satisfied and continually complained to Moses and God. We see this phenomenon in our families, especially in our relationships with our spouses. What is the problem? It’s that we confuse the family with a place where we demand what we want from each other, rather than seeing it as a place where we fulfill each other's needs. If the wife constantly demands from the husband and the husband also continues to demand from the wife, then that family will be filled with dissatisfaction, disputes, and fights. However, if the couple treats their family as a wilderness and lives their married life, they will be committed to filling each other's needs rather than demanding their own desires. If the husband makes an effort to meet the wife’s needs with the love of Christ, the wife will feel God's love through him. Similarly, if the wife understands the husband's needs more deeply and recognizes his authority, just as the church submits to Jesus, she will listen to and obey him, and in turn, the husband will receive strength from God through her. By doing so, the couple will experience their needs being fulfilled through each other, and they will enjoy satisfaction and contentment. Together, they will give thanks and praise to God. Therefore, we must treat our family as a wilderness, because there is no better place where a husband and wife can fulfill each other's needs with the love of the Lord.
Today, under the title "A transformed family," I would like to reflect on what our responsibility is in building transformed families, focusing on Romans 12:2, while praying for the Lord to transform each of our families.
We should not conform to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of our minds.
In Matthew 12:39, Jesus referred to this generation as an “evil and adulterous generation.” The Apostle Paul also referred to this generation as "this evil generation" in Galatians 1:4. Additionally, Paul mentioned in Ephesians 2:2 and Galatians 5:16 that before we became new people through faith in Jesus, we "followed the ways of this world" (Ephesians 2:2) or "followed the desires of the flesh" (Galatians 5:16). So, what were the "ways of this world" or "desires of the flesh" that we followed before we became new through faith in Jesus? Galatians 5:19-21 gives us a list: "The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions, and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like." A similar list appears in Romans 1:29-31: "They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, they are gossips, they are malicious, they are God-haters, they are insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless."
We must be dedicated to meditating on God’s word more and more. The reason is that the more we meditate on God’s word day and night, the more our hearts will be transformed by it. How is this possible? First, the more we meditate on God’s word, the Holy Spirit will make God’s voice heard to us. To put it another way, based on the perspective of Romans 12:2, the more we meditate on God’s word, the more we will be able to discern His will. As a result, second, by obeying God’s will that we discern, true change will take place in our hearts. Therefore, the Apostle Peter says in 1 Peter 1:22, "Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for each other …." Additionally, the Apostle Paul says in Ephesians 5:26, "to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word." I sincerely pray that all of our families will draw closer to God's word—listening to it, reading it, meditating on it, studying it, and also obeying it—so that fundamental changes in our hearts will take place. I pray that our hearts will be made whole (perfect hearts). Therefore, I pray that none of us will conform to this world but will be increasingly transformed to imitate Jesus, and that we, along with our families, will be agents of change in this world.
I would like to conclude with a reflection on meditating on God’s word. Pastor Jun-min Kang said the following: “We all desire change. But change is never easy. Tolstoy said, ‘Everyone thinks that humanity needs to change, but no one thinks that they themselves need to change.’ We often think others around us need to change. We also struggle to change those we live with. However, we rarely think that we ourselves need to change. The reason is that we do not honestly face ourselves. If we want to change others, we must first experience change ourselves”(Kang). If we are earnestly praying for our families to be transformed by God, we must first experience change ourselves. I pray that, as we do not conform to this world but are transformed by the renewing of our minds, our families may also be transformed by the Lord.
I pray that the Lord will continue to transform me first, and then my family, church family, and their families as well.
James Kim
(May 21, 2023, reflecting on being built as a family of believers in Jesus through God’s great love and abundant grace.)