It's not a right and wrong issue.
It's a saving issue!
This morning, I had a conversation with my beloved wife, and she told me, "It is not a right and wrong issue but a saving issue." The reason she said this to me is because both my wife’s loved ones and my loved ones are facing great difficulties or crises in their families right now. So, I would like to take what my wife said as a topic and write down my personal thoughts. I pray that the Holy Spirit will help me:
1. Right now, both my wife’s family and the family of someone I love are facing great difficulties or crises, and these difficulties or crises involve what is commonly referred to as the process of “divorce”.
2. Even though divorce may be common in this day and age, each individual in a family going through the process of divorce is likely experiencing great hardship, suffering, and pain. Especially in my opinion, while the person being divorced is, of course, going through a lot of pain and suffering, it may be even more difficult, painful, and sorrowful for the one who initiates the divorce.
3. The reason I thought about this while talking with my wife today is that my wife’s friend, whom she loves, has been battling cancer for five years. Afterward, she told her husband that she wanted a divorce (and her children don’t know that their parents are thinking about divorce). It seems that the husband probably doesn’t understand why his wife wants a divorce or the reasons behind it, and so on. While hearing not only those words but also the story from the wife’s perspective through my wife, I started to think that, rather than the husband who is being divorced, the wife who wants to get a divorce may be the one who is suffering more, enduring more pain, and struggling more.
4. For example, from the perspective of the husband who is being divorced, it would be a great shock. The reason is that he likely doesn’t clearly understand why his wife is asking for a divorce. Especially if he thinks, "I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong enough to deserve being divorced by my wife, so I just can’t understand why she’s asking for a divorce," his heart would undoubtedly be very confused and distressed. But what would the wife’s feelings be when she looks at her husband in this situation? When she told her husband that she wanted a divorce, she had probably been suffering, struggling, and enduring for a long time, but finally, she felt that she couldn’t continue anymore (perhaps feeling the limits of what a person can endure?). After much worry and contemplation, she decided to tell her husband she wanted a divorce. But he doesn’t understand why she’s saying this, and he probably doesn’t even know what he has been doing wrong in their relationship. When she realizes that he can’t even comprehend her feelings, she will most likely feel a sense of despair. In that case, she would become even more resolute in her decision to divorce him and proceed with it.
5. One family issue that caught my attention while listening to my wife’s words today is the family system. In short, I came to think that when a family system loses its balance, it will inevitably face great difficulties or crises at some point. The reason I started thinking this way is that my wife mentioned that her friend’s family system, in her opinion, had lost a lot of balance. And I believe that the loss of balance in their family system was something that happened gradually and continuously over the 20 years she had been married to her husband (and even after their children were born). When I say that their family system lost balance, I think it means that her family had become devoted not only to meeting the needs of her needy husband, but also to meeting the needs of the children. As a result, the husband and children had grown accustomed to her help, which caused their family system to lose its balance. So, I told my wife that, while the husband who is being divorced is certainly facing a problem, I think the wife also has issues to deal with.
6. My personal opinion is that, of course, the crisis in a marriage is the responsibility of the husband, as the head of the household, but when I see couples going through divorce, it becomes clear that the issue is not solely the husband’s, but there are also issues with the wife. Looking at my wife’s friend’s situation, I believe that, from her perspective, she probably did her best to meet the needs of her husband, who was dependent on her, and also tried to meet her children’s needs. However, what she received in return was that, despite battling cancer for about five years, she did not seem to receive comfort or help that could meet her own needs from her husband or children. So, I told my wife that I wondered how difficult, painful, and lonely it must have been for her. However, in some ways, I also thought that perhaps her husband and children turned out this way because she had, in a sense, trained them to be this way. In other words, while she must have tried hard to have a positive influence on her husband (and children), her husband (and children) may have become people who didn’t even recognize her needs, to the point of losing balance and over-relying on her. I also wondered how things might have been if she had wisely and slowly trained her husband (and children) to meet their own needs. In other words, within the family system, I believe that a wife can have a positive influence on her husband, but for the family system to be balanced, the husband should also be able to positively influence his wife. The wife should not only meet her husband’s needs but the husband should also meet his wife’s needs. And when a couple cannot meet each other’s needs, I believe that only the Lord fully knows each of their needs and can completely fulfill them. Therefore, the couple should pray to the Lord for each other.
7. Of course, I don’t think it is desirable to clearly define and speak about family issues in just one or two ways. But as I listened to my wife share what her friend said (since my wife heard her friend’s words from her subjective perspective and then shared them with me), I’ve been reflecting on what lesson might be conveyed through this conversation. Through this, I am sharing my personal thoughts in writing. One of those thoughts is that, when a couple faces a crisis, it is not about determining who is right or wrong, but rather asking the question, "Why did this couple end up in this situation?" By considering and reflecting on the causes, in my case, I also wish to receive lessons through conversations with my wife. The purpose is for both my wife and I to take the lessons we have received and, with them, help those around us who are facing marital crises—not by judging who is right or wrong, but rather, if it is the Lord’s will, to help save those couples. I hope that, although we are imperfect, my wife and I can still be used in some small way for this purpose.