Lessons learned through counseling

Looking back on the counseling sessions, I thought I might share a few things that could be helpful:

1.       Ongoing conflicts in a marriage are, to me, a sign that the couple doesn't truly know each other.  Because they don't understand each other well, each spouse tends to judge the other's words and actions from their own perspective (often jumping to conclusions), and they form preconceived notions.  As a result, they tolerate things for a while, but eventually, dissatisfaction is expressed, leading to emotional conflicts (anger).

Suggestion: Husbands and wives should learn to use conflict as an opportunity to get to know each other.

2.       I believe that we should be devoted to building trust strongly in our marital relationship.  However, the devil tries to break that trust by planting doubts, leading to suspicion, and ultimately causing distrust between the couple.  The devil's tool is simply lies.  Deception.  The reason a couple may not trust each other is because they believe their spouse is lying (or they doubt their spouse).  But it seems people rarely realize that they might be deceiving themselves.

Suggestion: “I trust the Lord, and because of that, I have devoted myself to trusting you (even if, in the future, you were to betray me).”

3.       We should focus on the underlying internal causes of the issue, rather than just the surface-level symptoms.  Why is my spouse unable to trust me?  Why does my spouse think I'm lying?  Could it be that the reason lies in past wounds, where someone they once trusted betrayed them with lies, leaving a deep emotional scar?

Suggestion: We should pray to be used as God's healing tool, entering our spouse's inner world.

4.       A conversation between spouses that is not based on trust cannot lead to genuine dialogue where hearts connect.  Men and women are already so different, and their ways of communicating are also different (not just in how they speak, but also in how they listen to each other).  If there is no trust between them (if one believes the other frequently lies), how can truthful communication between spouses be possible?

Suggestion: We must listen with hearts of love and draw out the deep thoughts and feelings from our spouse's heart.

5.       Without genuine communication where hearts connect, a couple cannot build the love and respect relationship that the Lord desires.  A husband will not be able to love his wife with the love of the Lord, and a wife will not be able to respect her husband as she does the Lord.  As a result, a wife who does not receive love will not respect her husband (or submit to him), and a husband who does not receive respect will refuse to love his wife.  Therefore, useless marital conflicts will persist and only deepen over time.

Suggestion: Before looking at my spouse, I must first look to the Lord, and through constant prayer, I must ask God to help me direct my unconditional love and respect toward my spouse.