Conflict and crisis in marital relationships
Through the meetings I had, guided by God, during the "2024 Internet Ministry to Korea," I want to reflect on the thoughts I had through my encounters with brothers and sisters who are facing a crisis in their marriages. I am attempting to organize these thoughts in writing once again:
1. It seems that conflicts and disputes are inevitable in marital relationships. Therefore, rather than trying to avoid them (and trying to appear to others as if our marriage has no conflicts or disputes), I believe it is much better to make efforts and strive to fight and dispute in a way that aligns with the wisdom that God provides.
a. My spouse and I had our first argument on our honeymoon. Before that, we had been in a long-distance relationship for about six months after being introduced through an arranged marriage, and during that time, we never had any conflicts or disputes. After getting married, we had countless conflicts and disputes over the next 20 years. I didn’t want to show our marital conflicts or disputes in front of our children or others, so I tried to hide them, but it was useless. Then, through a pastor, I learned about the positive aspects of marital conflict. It was then that I became committed to learning not how to avoid or hide marital conflicts, but how to handle and fight them well.
b. When I think about the brothers and sisters in Christ whom I met through the "Internet Ministry to Korea" who shared even a little bit about their marital relationships with me, at least they acknowledged their marital conflicts. Furthermore, the ones who opened their hearts to me and shared were those who were going through a marital crisis, and they were desperate for help. Those who were going through such a crisis seemed to be in a state of cold war, where there was no longer any fighting between the spouses. Marital conflicts at this level have gone beyond the stage where couples can try to fight well, and I believe it is necessary to humbly and seriously reflect on where and how the conflict escalated to this point before God, looking inwardly at oneself (rather than blaming the spouse).
2. I believe that marital conflicts and disagreements provide a good opportunity for the husband and wife to get to know each other more deeply.
a. In our case, about 22 years ago, when we were living in Korea, we had a big fight because of our beloved first son, Dillon. Through that marital conflict, God allowed me to get to know my wife more deeply. In other words, my wife did not want Dillon to live his life by always yielding, as she had done to her parents as the eldest daughter. Meanwhile, I wanted Dillon to live his life by yielding, as I had learned from my parents. That’s when we had a big argument, but during that time, I came to understand that my wife, as the eldest daughter, did not want Dillon to live the way she had by always yielding to her parents.
b. Among the brothers and sisters in Christ whom I met through the "Internet Ministry to Korea," most of those in marital conflict and crisis seemed to focus more on what their spouses were doing wrong or on unreasonable demands they were making, rather than considering the reasons for their own arguments. Perhaps this is because the wounds they had received from their spouses were so deep. A marital relationship that focuses on one's own wounds and the faults of the spouse, rather than on the deeper issues, seems incapable of seeing the crisis as an opportunity for both partners to truly get to know each other.
3. I believe that the husband's resignation as the head of the household can significantly exacerbate marital conflicts and lead to a marital crisis.
a. Among the brothers and sisters in Christ whom I met through the "Internet Ministry to Korea," there were some whose husbands' unwanted resignations undoubtedly caused them great emotional strain and heaviness. Furthermore, the financial difficulties and issues arising from this situation seemed to trigger not only marital conflicts but also a deeper marital crisis.
b. I particularly thought that when a couple argues due to financial issues, unresolved problems and wounds from their relationship can easily be expressed and manifested. Therefore, even if the marital relationship appeared to be going well and without issues when financial pressure was not as severe, the situation could drastically worsen due to the husband’s resignation and subsequent financial struggles. I also thought that during such times, with many temptations from Satan, there is a high risk of not only sinning against God but also sinning against the wife. Consequently, I believe the marital relationship can deteriorate to a point where it is extremely difficult to recover.
4. I believe that as the head of the household, the husband is responsible for the marital crisis and should repent before God.
a. I still remember from a book I read a long time ago called "Reformed Marriage" by Douglas Wilson, where the author states that his presupposition in counseling many couples is always ‘it is the husband's responsibility’(Wilson). I fully agree with this statement. In our marriage, I believe that all the conflicts, arguments, and fights are ultimately my responsibility as the husband. Even though I may think my wife has made mistakes at times, I believe it is my responsibility as the husband for not properly nurturing her according to God's word (Ephesians 5:29). Therefore, I believe that all the issues in our marriage fall on my shoulders. Despite this, there have been many times when I did not want to take responsibility, and I blamed my wife, sinning against both her and God. Even though I know intellectually that I must repent for all the sins I've committed in our marriage, my heart struggles to repent. I have come to realize that without God's grace, I cannot even repent on my own. Therefore, I pray that God would grant me the grace of repentance.
b. During my recent encounters with fellow believers through the "Internet Ministry to Korea," I believe for the first time in my life, I directly told a brother in Christ, ‘If you don't break and repent before God, there is no hope for this family.’ Even I was surprised at myself for saying that. I never thought I would be able to say something like that, nor did I believe I had the right to say such words. But upon reflecting on why I said that to him, I think it was because of God's love for that brother and his family in my heart that made me speak in that way. Especially, my heart felt extremely desperate when thinking about that his family. I had no idea that the situation in their marriage was that serious until I learned a little bit through him, and my heart was deeply pained, to the point of tears. Additionally, when I met with his wife three times (the third time, I had planned to meet their eldest daughter one-on-one, but she was uncomfortable meeting me alone, so she came with her mother), and listened carefully to the wife’s words, my heart was even more deeply hurt. That’s why my heart became even more desperate. So, I spoke to that brother and visited their home at 10:40 PM. That’s when I spoke those words in front of his wife. As I write this now and think of that brother and sister in Christ, I realize that all I can do is look to the Lord, longing for His great mercy, compassion, and grace of salvation.
5. I believe that when marital conflicts intensify and a crisis arises in the marriage, the couple should seek help from a third party.
a. Based on the marriage books I read a long time ago, I remember writing a pre-marital counseling manuscript where the last method of resolving marital conflicts was to seek help from a third party. Here, the third party primarily refers to a professional marriage counselor or therapist.
b. However, one of the brothers and sisters in Christ who contacted me through KakaoTalk during the 'Internet Ministry to Korea' shared that they had seen a marriage counselor, but it had not been very effective. When I heard this, I thought about how desperate the couple must have been to reach out to a marriage counselor, yet still, there was no effect, which led them to contact me—someone who is not an expert, but a pastor. My heart broke for them, and I felt deeply for their situation. I tried my best to meet with them, but due to unavoidable circumstances, we could not meet, and I returned to the United States. As I write this now, I am praying for that couple, and I want to express my heart in this writing: ‘Don’t give up. The Lord will not give up. The Lord is our hope. Keep going, as you are now, and continue to give your best. Don't give up.’
6. No matter how hopeless a couple may seem, or how they appear to be in the midst of a deep darkness, like a severe crisis, I believe that even in such a dire marital crisis, the Lord is the God who will undoubtedly pour out and reveal His amazing and great saving love.
a. The biggest crisis in our marriage, in my view, was when, early in our marriage, I told my wife that we should get a divorce. Of course, now I deeply regret saying that to my beloved wife, but at the time, I was so angry with her that I genuinely wanted a divorce. I can't quite remember why I was that angry, but I believe I had been deeply hurt by her at that time. Of course, back then, I didn’t know how to communicate with my wife the way I do now. And at a young age, I was the kind of person who would openly express extreme thoughts, and I just said those things to her without thinking. Even after that, I revealed a lot of my flaws and shortcomings in my relationship with my wife. For that reason, I believe there is no better relationship than marriage (and the spousal relationship) to reveal one’s weaknesses, insufficiencies, foolishness, and flaws. As I was working through our relationship, a book I read on our 10th wedding anniversary became, in some ways, a turning point in our marriage. The title of that book is "Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs" (Author: Emerson Eggerichs). I still vividly remember it. On one of our 10th wedding anniversary days, after having dinner with my wife, we took some time to go through the questions at the end of each chapter (Chapter 6 was for the husband to read, and the remaining six chapters were for the wife). We asked each other those questions and had a deep conversation. That time was, at least for me, a very helpful and beneficial moment as a husband. Another unforgettable moment in our 27 years of marriage was the death of our first child, Joo-young. I cannot forget the amazing and incredible love of the Lord that I experienced through the fulfillment of Psalm 63:3 during that time. While it was the greatest crisis we faced as a couple, the death of our first baby led us to experience the Lord's salvific love, and that experience became a significant stepping stone in the growth of our marital relationship.
b. When I think of the beloved brothers and sisters in Christ who are going through marital crises, I believe that only the Lord can rescue those couples from their crises, and that even in the midst of great turmoil, God will clearly reveal His saving love. The Lord, who raised Lazarus from the dead, is the God who has brought us—who were spiritually dead—back to life (through regeneration). Therefore, I believe that even a marriage that seems dead can be revived by our Lord, who is the Lord of resurrection. I earnestly pray that our Lord will pour out great grace upon the brothers and sisters He loves, especially those in marital crisis, and that He will first transform their hearts, bringing about a great change in their relationships.