About marital conflicts … (1)

My wife and I fought a lot over the course of about 20 years.  Reflecting on that time, I’d like to share a few lessons I’ve learned about marital conflicts:

1.      We fought over trivial matters.  Many of our arguments were over insignificant issues. Over time, fighting became a habit, and we began to treat it lightly, even though it wasn’t healthy.

2.      These small fights built up over time.  Each conflict added another layer to the burdens in our hearts, and we developed distorted thoughts and perspectives about each other. In essence, unhealthy prejudices about one another gradually took root in our hearts.

3.      We started to label each other.  During arguments, we would internally say things like, “That’s just how they are,” imposing our own assumptions onto each other.

4.      We lost the ability to understand one another.  This labeling caused us to lose the capacity to empathize with each other, which only deepened the misunderstandings between us.

5.      These misunderstandings led to emotional separation.  The accumulation of these unresolved issues caused us to drift apart emotionally. It felt as though we were like a train derailing from its tracks, no longer walking the shared path of life together but instead heading down separate roads.

6.      As a result, our relationship grew more distant. We began to lose interest in each other, and both of us became increasingly self-centered.

7.      This led to more frequent marital conflicts, and over time, our arguments and fights left larger and deeper emotional scars in our hearts.

8.      In particular, during our fights, we crossed lines we should never have crossed, saying and doing things we should have avoided.

9.      Especially when we crossed those lines, we were unaware of just how devastating the wounds inflicted on our relationship were. By the time we began to realize it, it was like a ship sailing far from the shore—we were living under the same roof, but our hearts had already grown distant from each other.

10.   From this experience, I came to realize that it is far better for a couple to be physically apart but emotionally close than to be physically close but emotionally distant.

11.   However, a heart that is deeply and severely wounded cannot truly forgive or seek forgiveness without God’s intervention. While the mind may understand, genuine words and actions that come from the heart seem impossible without His help.

12.   When a couple refuses to forgive and fails to recognize the need for forgiveness, it may seem humanly impossible to maintain their relationship.

13.   Despite this, God's great love and abundant grace, under His sovereignty, have touched each of our hearts with His nail-pierced hands.

14.   Even when a marital relationship seems hopeless and it appears impossible to forgive each other, God has slowly, little by little, healed our broken hearts.

15.   It was as though the Lord, like a surgeon cutting where necessary, carefully removed the tumors of bitterness and the elements that were gradually destroying our relationship.

16.   Usually, during surgery, the patient feels no pain because of general anesthesia, but in some urgent situations, surgery is performed without anesthesia, leading to extreme pain. In the same way, when a marriage is in a critical state, it seems to undergo intense suffering. This suffering, in God’s eyes, is necessary, and it appears to be an unavoidable "surgical" pain for us.

17.   There seems to be an essential pain in the restoration of a marital relationship. The greater the pain, the more deeply our hearts are broken and shattered, allowing us to hear God's voice more clearly through His Word in the midst of great suffering.

18.   And the Holy Spirit, who dwells within us, works a miraculous wonder in making us obey the words of God He has made us hear.

19.   Experiencing this miracle, we were amazed to deeply realize, through intense pain, that God is truly alive and that He loves our marriage more than we could ever comprehend.

20.   Therefore, marital conflicts become a valuable opportunity for each of us to recognize what needs to be thoroughly broken and rebuilt, a precious chance to approach the Lord with a humble heart, and a valuable moment to surrender our relationship to God and hold onto hope.