The link in an unhealthy family?

1.       As we grow up, we undoubtedly receive both good and bad influences from our parents.

2.      However, it seems that we are often unaware of the negative influences we've received from our parents, or even if we do recognize them, we don't fully understand them.  As a result, we sometimes unconsciously speak and act like our parents.

3.      Then, through conflicts with our spouse, we may come to recognize, albeit partially and amidst pain and struggle, the negative influences we received from our parents by the grace of God.

4.      Particularly in the case of a husband or wife who is a people-pleaser, conflicts within the marriage can lead them to deeply reflect and engage in self-examination.  Through this process, they may come to recognize the negative influences they received from their parents.  This is especially true when their spouse is an avoider—someone who is excessively independent.  Such a spouse may, without much thought or consideration, make blunt and self-centered remarks.  These direct words can cause the people-pleasing husband or wife to ponder deeply.  As a result, they begin to reflect on themselves and come to acknowledge, even if only partially, the negative influences they received from their parents.

5.      A somewhat serious concern is that a people-pleasing husband or wife, due to the negative influences they recognize and acknowledge as coming from their parents, often feels excessively apologetic toward their spouse.  In their desire to make their spouse exceedingly happy (perhaps because their own happiness depends on it?), there seems to be a risk of placing their spouse on the throne of their heart—or on the chair where the king sits.  Before marriage, it was their mother and/or father, who had a profoundly negative influence on them, sitting on that throne. However, after marriage, they have replaced them with their spouse.

6.      This is considered a serious issue in my view because the throne of one’s heart is where the Lord, the King of kings, should be seated.  If someone else—whether it be one’s mother, father, or spouse—is seated there instead of the Lord, it becomes an act of idolatry.

7.      Parents or spouses can easily become idols in our hearts to that extent.  However, this idolatrous tendency does not end with replacing the idolatry of parents with the idolatry of a spouse.  There is also a significant risk of idolizing one’s children and loving them excessively or overly indulgently.

8.      Then, by God’s great love and grace, even through a major family crisis, we are led to reflect on ourselves.  In the process of self-examination, we come to recognize and repent of the sin of idolizing a family member we love excessively.  We cast away all idols from our hearts and invite the Lord to sit on the throne of our hearts as the rightful King.

9.      After doing so, we humbly surrender to the Lord, allowing Him to reign over us.  In faith, we entrust our marriage relationship to Him, letting Him take full control.

10.   What we begin to glimpse with the eyes of faith is how the Lord is wonderfully at work in our marriage—bringing together two very different individuals (a people-pleasing husband/wife and an avoidant wife/husband) to complement each other's weaknesses and shortcomings.  Moreover, as we experience how deeply the Lord loves us as a couple, we gradually find freedom from the negative influences of our parents.  Step by step, we are built into a Christ-centered marriage.