Forgiving your spouse (4)
“Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven--for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little” (Luke 7:47).
In the past, I occasionally said something like this honestly to my wife: "You are the greatest encourager to me, but at the same time, you are also the greatest discourager." The reason I said this to my wife was because I had been hurt by her words. Once, I said to her honestly, "Jane, my heart hurts so much. Your words pierce my heart like a dagger, and it really hurts." In response, my wife said, "Thank you for letting me know." I was a bit shocked when I heard that. In my mind, I thought, "How can she say thank you for my words? Didn't she realize how much her words hurt me? Then, if my heart hurts again, I should honestly tell her how I feel. After that conversation, although there continued to be marital conflicts between us, something changed. It was that we began to think a little more carefully about what not to say and what not to do in order to avoid hurting each other. We started to develop a habit of being more open and cautious in our communication, speaking honestly about things that had hurt us and trying to avoid repeating the same mistakes.
When we are hurt, we want comfort and healing because the pain is so difficult to bear. It’s our instinct. However, often we ignore even that instinct and carry the wounds we have received from our spouses deep inside without seeking comfort or healing. As a result, those hidden wounds pile up over time, and eventually, new wounds cause those accumulated wounds to be expressed outwardly. Eventually, they explode like a bomb and bring a crisis to the marriage. Before this happens, we need to discover and carefully remove the hidden "bombs" in our relationship, just like we would remove hidden landmines from a field. To do this, we need to commit ourselves, along with our spouse, to removing those bombs together in the Lord. We must use the "bomb disposal tool" wisely. The bomb disposal tool is "forgiveness." To clear the bombs in our hearts, we must commit to forgiving each other with the heart of Christ Jesus. And in doing so, we must forgive our spouses first, without waiting for them to come to us and ask for forgiveness. How is this possible? How can we forgive our spouse first?
First, we need to recognize the sins we have committed against God and our spouse.
Look at Luke 7:39: "When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, 'If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is—that she is a sinner.'" This was what the Pharisee, who had invited Jesus to his house for a meal, thought to himself (v. 36). He said this because he saw a “sinful woman” from the town come to Jesus while he was sitting at the Pharisee's house, bringing an alabaster jar of perfume. She stood behind him at his feet, weeping, and began to wet his feet with her tears. She wiped them with her hair, kissed them, and poured perfume on them (vv. 37-39). However, Jesus did not reject this "sinful woman”; instead, he allowed her to wash his feet with her tears, dry them with her hair, kiss them, and even pour perfume on them. From the Pharisee's perspective, this did not make sense. If Jesus were indeed the prophet that the Jews were expecting (Deuteronomy 18:18), he would surely know who the woman touching him was and that she was a sinner, so why would he allow a sinner to touch him? The Pharisee likely found this perplexing. One thing we can infer from this situation is that while the Pharisee knew that the "sinful woman" was a sinner, he did not recognize that he himself was a sinner. More precisely, it seems that the Pharisee considered himself righteous. That is why he called the woman a "sinner" in his mind. He probably viewed her as unclean and distanced himself from her. But Jesus, on the other hand, did not prevent her from drawing near to him, and he allowed her to perform all the actions she was doing at his feet. From the Pharisee's point of view, this must have been very shocking.
When two people live together in marriage, there are many surprising things that happen between them. These are things that were not known during the dating phase. However, after getting married and building a family, these things are revealed, and when we witness them with our own eyes, we can't help but be shocked. These are things we didn’t know when we were dating, but as we live together in marriage, we start to realize them more and more, which is why it’s natural to be surprised. The problem is that when we discover things that we didn’t know about each other, it's not just about being surprised or shocked — we end up feeling disappointed in our spouse, and these newfound issues become points of conflict in our relationship. At first, we may not address these issues, and we may try to endure and overlook them. But as time goes on, these problems become more evident, and eventually, our relationship can face more and more friction. Ultimately, we may end up arguing and fighting. And during these fights, we may speak harshly to our spouse in our anger, causing emotional wounds (even though we may not be aware of it). Of course, the wounds we inflict on each other aren’t always due to what the other person said. Spouses can also hurt each other through non-verbal actions. The problem is that when we are hurt, we don't express our pain to each other or refuse to forgive, which causes our perspective of each other to become increasingly distorted due to the wounds we hold in our hearts. As a result, we begin to criticize each other (Matthew 7:1). We even despise each other in our hearts (Romans 14:3). Moreover, we start to slander each other (James 4:11), and even condemn one another (Luke 6:37). At this point, we no longer tolerate each other's weaknesses and even criticize each other's words (Roman 14:1). When this happens, we cease to be "doers of the law" and become "judges" (James 4:11). Once we reach this point, we no longer recognize the sin we have committed against both our spouse and God. The reason for this is that we are focusing on ourselves in front of our spouse, rather than looking at ourselves before God, who is the judge. Because of this, we lose the ability to recognize our sins as sins. So, how can we acknowledge, confess, and seek forgiveness for our sins before God? If we cannot confess our sins and seek forgiveness from God, it is natural that we will also be unable to admit, confess, and ask for forgiveness from our spouse for the wrongs we have committed.
We need to realize and recognize the sins we have committed against God and our spouse. When we have sinned against our spouse, instead of focusing on the multitude and the magnitude of their sins, we must first look at the multitude and the magnitude of our own sins before God. To do this, we must meditate on the suffering and death of Jesus on the cross. When we think of Jesus, who suffered and was crucified because of our sins, we can begin to understand the extent and gravity of our own sins. The more we recognize the magnitude of our sins, the less we will focus on the sins of our spouse and the more we will find time to examine our own sins before God.
Second and last, just as God has forgiven our sins, we must forgive our spouse's sins.
Look at Luke 7:42: "Since they had no way to repay, he forgave them both. Now which of them will love him more?" This is a statement Jesus made to a Pharisee named Simon (v. 36) when he told him the parable of a moneylender who forgave two debtors (one owing 500 denarii, the other 50 denarii) because they could not repay their debts. Jesus then asked Simon, "Which of them will love him more?" (vv. 41-42). Simon's response was, "The one who had the bigger debt forgiven" (v. 43). What was Jesus' purpose in telling this parable to Simon, who had treated the woman pouring perfume on Jesus' feet as a "sinner" (v. 39)? I found the answer in verse 47: "... her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little" (Korean Modern Bible). Jesus wanted to make it clear to Simon that the woman’s many sins had been forgiven because she loved Jesus greatly (vv. 47-48).
A truly serious issue in a marital relationship is that we fail to realize the sins we have committed against both God and our spouse. However, an even more serious problem is that, even when we are aware of the sins we've committed against God and our spouse, we do not seek forgiveness from either of them. Often, we may ask for forgiveness from God but not from our spouse. We say we love our spouse, yet we hesitate to ask for forgiveness, and in doing so, we miss the opportunity to reconcile. Why is that? Perhaps the reason is that we want to appear right in front of our spouse (Luke 10:29). In other words, we may justify ourselves in front of our spouse, causing us to miss the right moment to ask for forgiveness. It’s also possible that we see the faults and sins of our spouse more clearly than our own, and because of that, we refuse to ask for forgiveness from our spouse. If we truly understood the magnitude of the sins we've committed against our spouse before God, we would humbly and sincerely approach her and ask for forgiveness, not just from God. If our spouse knows, in her heart, that God has forgiven her sins through Jesus Christ, she will forgive us in the same way God has forgiven her in Christ. Not only that, but she will also find the courage to accept us with love, and her love for us will grow even deeper than before.
I would like to conclude with a reflection on the word. A husband must recognize not only the wrongs he has done before God and his spouse, but also the sins he has committed. He must acknowledge and confess the sins he has committed against his wife before God, repent, and also confess those sins to his wife. Moreover, he must show through his life that he has truly repented, with the certainty of God's forgiveness. In doing so, his wife should be able to recognize that he has genuinely repented and changed. When this happens, the wife must forgive her husband. However, she must forgive him with gratitude and grace, remembering that God has forgiven a sinner like her through Jesus Christ. In particular, she should forgive her husband with love, knowing that she, too, has been forgiven for many great sins before God, and that the love she has received from God is great and overflowing. Similarly, the husband must forgive his wife with love, knowing that he, a great sinner, has been forgiven by God's great love and abundant grace. He must have the courage to forgive and embrace his wife with the heart of Christ Jesus. My hope is that, in our relationship with God, we not only come to recognize the magnitude and depth of our sins, but that we also, through the overflowing grace of God and the heart of Jesus Christ, forgive our beloved spouses first. This is my prayer for all of us.
Devoted to loving, forgiving, and accepting my spouse just as she is,
James Kim
(October 25, 2014, while praying and missing my beloved wife who is far away)