Forgiveness
“The cost of forgiveness is great, but the harvest of forgiveness is a beautiful thing ….” [Paul David Tripp, “What did you Expect?”]
Forgiveness is hard. I know in my head that I should forgive my spouse for the wrongs she has done to me, but in my heart, I just can’t forgive her. And honestly, there are times when I don’t even want to forgive her. Especially when I think about how she has treated me, I get so angry, and sometimes I even feel like I want to do the same thing to her. Yet, I hold myself back. The Bible says, “Love is patient” (1 Corinthians 13:4), so I endure and keep enduring. But still, she continues to hurt my heart, again and again. And yet, she doesn’t ask for my forgiveness. No, it seems like she doesn’t even feel the need to ask for forgiveness. Maybe she doesn’t even realize that she has hurt me and caused me pain. Perhaps that’s why she acts as if nothing has happened. I find her attitude so unbearable. And because of that, I refuse to forgive her.
Husbands and wives, as they live together, wrong each other countless times. In fact, couples inevitably wrong each other countless times. Of course, the two people have different personalities, come from different backgrounds, and have been influenced by their parents in different ways, etc., which leads to impulses and conflicts, causing them to wrong each other. However, the root cause is that two sinners met, got married, and established a family. Think about it. Two sinners met, got married, and formed a family—how could they avoid wronging each other? We not only wrong each other but also sin against each other countless times. The problem is that even after committing all these wrongs and sins, we are not forgiving each other well. Even when we forgive, we do not forgive as much as we wronged and sinned against each other. This shows that we are slow to forgive. We also refuse to forgive to that extent. Because we are not living lives where we forgive each other, there are wounds and bitterness in our hearts. These wounds and bitterness prevent us from fully loving our spouses. For example, the wounds and bitterness in our hearts make us focus more on the wrongs we are doing to each other rather than the good we could be doing for each other. And the more we focus on these wrongs, the more we judge each other, and we even end up criticizing and condemning each other. What we fail to recognize here is that when we judge, criticize, and condemn each other, we are revealing our “self-righteousness” to one another. For example, a husband who refuses to forgive his wife for wronging him and instead acts out of the wounds and bitterness in his heart will judge and criticize her (even if only in his heart) whenever she makes a mistake, condemning her. By doing so, he is essentially saying to his wife, “You are wrong, and I am right.” Meanwhile, he may even be seeking to be recognized by God as being in the right. As a result, he becomes prideful, unable to see the sin he’s committing before God, and feels no need to seek forgiveness from God. What is the sin he is committing before God? It is the sin of not forgiving his wife. And yet, he continues to see her mistakes and sins, judging, pointing them out, criticizing, and even condemning her (even in his heart). What does this look like in the eyes of God? And how does this affect the wife who is being judged, criticized, and condemned by her husband? She will never feel loved by him. She will certainly be wounded by him. And she will not only fail to forgive him but may also feel that she cannot. What happens when a couple fails to forgive each other and continues to live this way? Their hearts will inevitably be filled with wounds and bitterness. Eventually, they will explode at each other, and their marriage will inevitably fall apart. The Bible says: "But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins" (Matthew 6:15). When spouses wrong each other, they must forgive one another. The person who has wronged their spouse should not just say, "I'm sorry," but also be able to say, "I was wrong." They should specifically acknowledge what they did wrong and how they hurt their spouse. Furthermore, they must show a commitment to not making the same mistake again in the future. However, forgiving is not easy. The reason is that the nature of our old self is selfish, and we believe that our spouse's wrongs are greater and more numerous than our own. Moreover, our instinct is to expect and hope that our spouse will forgive us, rather than the other way around. Fighting and overcoming these sinful, selfish instincts within ourselves in order to forgive our spouse is no small task. Forgiving my spouse requires a great personal cost. I must deny myself and sacrifice myself (Mark 8:34). But when I forgive my spouse at such a great cost, the harvest of that forgiveness is beautiful. When my spouse, at their own cost, asks for forgiveness, I must forgive her. And when I forgive, I must do so "just as in Christ God forgave you" (Ephesians 4:32). Just as a sinner like me, who has committed countless sins against the holy God, was forgiven by God in Jesus Christ, and continues to be forgiven, I too must forgive my spouse. Moreover, I must accept them as they are and love them with God's love. When I do this, I can pray to the Lord in this way: "Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us ..." (Luke 11:4).
As I ask for forgiveness from God, I ask for forgiveness from you, my beloved.
James Kim
(July 29, 2014, Just as God forgave a sinner like me, I forgive you.)