Conflict and crisis in marital relationships
Through the encounters I had as part of the "2024 Internet Ministry to Korea," and reflecting on the meetings with brothers and sisters in Christ who are facing crises in their marital relationships, I want to take this opportunity to organize and express my thoughts in writing, considering how God has led those moments:
1. It seems that conflict and disputes are unavoidable in marital relationships. Therefore, rather than trying to avoid them or striving to show others that we, as a couple, have no conflict or disputes, I believe it is far better to focus on how to fight and argue with wisdom that God provides. We should aim to handle marital conflict with effort and intention, trusting in God's guidance.
a. My spouse and I had our first fight on our honeymoon. Until then, we had been in a long-distance relationship for about six months, introduced through matchmaking, and had never had any conflicts or arguments. After getting married, however, we faced countless conflicts and disputes over the course of about 20 years. I tried to hide our marital conflicts and disputes, not wanting to show them in front of our children or others, but it was in vain. Eventually, through a pastor, I learned about the positive aspects of marital conflict. From that point, I became committed to learning not how to avoid or hide conflicts, but how to fight well in marriage.
b. When I think of the brothers and sisters in Christ I met through the "Internet Ministry to Korea" who shared a little about their marital relationships, at least they acknowledged their marital conflicts. Furthermore, those who opened their hearts and shared with me were experiencing a marital crisis and were desperately in need of help. These brothers and sisters who were going through such a marital crisis seemed to be in a state of cold war, where they no longer argued with each other. Such deep marital conflicts have reached a point where, beyond trying to figure out how to fight well, it is necessary to humbly and seriously reflect before God on how the conflict escalated to this extent and to look back at oneself (and even more so than at the spouse).
2. I believe that marital conflict and disputes can be a good opportunity for a husband and wife to get to know each other more deeply.
a. .In our case, about 22 years ago when we were living in Korea, we had a major fight over our beloved first son, Dillon. Through that fight, God allowed me to get to know my wife more deeply. My wife didn’t want Dillon to live in the same way she had—always giving in—and I, on the other hand, wanted Dillon to live that way because that’s how I had been taught by my parents. We had a big argument because of this. However, during that time, I began to understand, even if just a little, that my wife, as the eldest daughter, didn’t want Dillon to live the way she did, always yielding to others.
b. Among the brothers and sisters I met through the "Internet Ministry to Korea," most of those who were going through marital conflict and crisis seemed to focus on their spouse’s faults or the unreasonable demands they felt were being placed on them, rather than reflecting on the reasons for their own fighting. Perhaps the reason for this is that the wounds they have received from their spouse are so deep. A marital relationship that focuses on one's own wounds and the faults of the other spouse does not seem capable of using the crisis as an opportunity to get to know each other better with God’s help.
3. I believe that the husband's resignation as the head of the household can maximize marital conflict and bring a crisis to the marriage.
a. Among the brothers and sisters I met through the "Internet Ministry to Korea," there were some whose husbands' unexpected resignations caused significant emotional distress and heaviness for them. In addition to these personal struggles, I realized that financial difficulties and problems could trigger marital conflict and bring about a crisis in marriage.
b. Especially when marital conflict arises due to financial issues, I believe there is a great risk of past unresolved issues and wounds in the marriage being expressed and brought to the surface. Therefore, even if the couple's relationship appeared to be fine and without major issues when the financial pressures were not severe, I realized that when the husband faces financial difficulties due to his resignation, the relationship could drastically deteriorate. In particular, I thought that during such times, the temptations of Satan could lead not only to sin against God but also to sin against the wife. As a result, I felt that the marital relationship could worsen significantly under these circumstances.
4. I believe that as the head of the household, the husband should take responsibility for the marital crisis and repent before God.
a. In a book I read long ago titled "Reformed Marriage," the author Douglas Wilson mentions that his presupposition during countless marital counseling sessions is that it is the husband's responsibility. I have never forgotten this point, and I fully agree with it. I believe that in my own marriage, all the conflicts, arguments, and fights fall under my responsibility as the husband. Even though there may have been many instances when I thought my wife was wrong, I believe it was my responsibility as a husband, failing to properly "nurture" my wife according to God's word (Ephesians 5:29). Therefore, I take responsibility for all the issues in our marriage. However, despite knowing this, I often tried to avoid responsibility, blaming my wife and sinning against both God and her. Even though I may not fully realize all the sins I have committed in my marriage, I know in my head that I must repent before God, though in my heart, I struggle to do so. I have come to understand that without God's grace, I cannot repent on my own. Therefore, I pray that God may grant me the grace of repentance.
b. During the "Internet Ministry to Korea" this time, I think for the first time in my life, I said directly to a brother in Christ, "If you do not break and repent before God, there is no hope for this family." I was surprised at myself for saying that. I never thought I would be the type of person who could say such things to anyone, and I believed that I didn't have the qualifications to say such things. However, when I reflect on why I said that to the brother, I believe it was God's love for that brother and his family that prompted me to speak in that way. Especially, my heart felt desperate when I thought about that brother's family. I had no idea that their marital situation was that serious, but when I learned a little about it through that brother, my heart broke, and I wept. Then, when I met with the brother's wife three times (the last meeting was supposed to be with their eldest daughter one-on-one, but she wasn't comfortable meeting me alone, so her mother came along), I listened intently to what she said, and my heart ached even more. That is why I felt even more desperate. So, I spoke to that brother and went to his house at 10:40 p.m. Then, in front of his wife, I spoke to him in that way. Even now, as I write this, thinking about that brother and sister, I am only looking to the Lord, longing for His great mercy, compassion, and the grace of salvation.
5. When marital conflicts escalate and a crisis arises in the marriage, I believe the couple should seek help from a third party.
a. Based on the marriage books I read a long time ago, when I wrote a pre-marital counseling script, one of the last methods for resolving marital conflicts was to seek help from a third party. The third party here refers mainly to professional marriage counselors.
b. However, one of the individuals who contacted me through KakaoTalk during the "Internet Ministry to Korea" mentioned that even though the couple had met with a marriage counselor, there was no significant effect. When I heard that, I thought about how desperate the couple must have been to seek help from a marriage counselor, and yet still found no results, leading them to reach out to someone like me—who is not an expert, but a pastor—for courage. My heart broke as I thought about their desperation. I made an effort to meet with the couple, but due to unavoidable circumstances, I wasn't able to meet them and eventually returned to the U.S. Even now, as I think about them, I am praying to God and writing this with that same heart. And through this, I want to express my thoughts: "Don't give up. The Lord will not give up. The Lord is our hope. Just as now, continue not to give up and do your best."
6. No matter how hopeless a couple may seem or how they appear to be in the darkest, most intense darkness, even in such extreme marital crises, I believe that the Lord will surely pour out and reveal His amazing and great saving love.
a. The biggest crisis in our marriage, in my opinion, was when I suggested to my wife, early in our marriage, that we get a divorce. Of course, I deeply regret saying that to my beloved wife now, but at that time, I was so angry with her that I seriously wanted a divorce. I can't clearly remember why I was that angry, but I think I had been deeply hurt by her. At that time, I didn't know how to communicate with my wife the way I do now. As a young person, I was someone who, with a lack of maturity, expressed extreme thoughts directly to my wife. Even after that, I revealed many flaws and shortcomings in my character in our marriage. Therefore, I believe there is no relationship where I can so openly expose my weaknesses, deficiencies, foolishness, and faults as in my marriage. As I continued to grow in our relationship, a book I read on our 10th wedding anniversary became, in some ways, a turning point for our marriage. The title of that book is "Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs" by Emerson Eggerichs. I still vividly remember it. One day, on our 10th wedding anniversary, after having dinner with my wife, we spent time asking each other the questions at the end of each chapter (Chapter 6 is for the husband to read, and the remaining 6 chapters are for the wife). We took turns discussing each question, and that time became, at least for me, a great help and a beneficial experience as a husband. Another unforgettable event in our 27 years of marriage is the death of our first child, Charis. During that time, I experienced the amazing and overwhelming love of the Lord, as described in Psalms 63:3, and I will never forget it. Although that was the greatest crisis we faced, the death of our first child led us to experience the Lord's saving love, which became a major steppingstone for the growth of our marriage.
b. As I think about the beloved brothers and sisters in Christ who are currently going through marital crises, I believe that only the Lord can rescue them from their crisis and, even in the midst of such a great crisis, He is the God who clearly shows His saving love. The Lord, who raised Lazarus from the dead, is the same God who has given life to us, who were spiritually dead, by bringing us to life again (being born again). Therefore, I believe that even a marriage relationship that seems dead can be revived by our Lord, who is the Lord of the resurrection. I earnestly pray that our Lord will extend His great grace of salvation to the brothers and sisters whom He loves most in their marital crises, transforming their hearts first, and through that, bringing a great change in their marital relationship.