God who guides me

“Because of your great compassion you did not abandon them in the desert.

By day the pillar of cloud did not cease to guide them on their path, nor the pillar of fire by night

to shine on the way they were to take.  You gave your good Spirit to instruct them.

You did not withhold your manna from their mouths, and you gave them water for their thirst. 

For forty years you sustained them in the desert; they lacked nothing, their clothes did not wear out

nor did their feet become swollen.” (Nehemiah 9:19-21)

Indeed, I reflected on my life today in light of Nehemiah 9:19-21. I've summarized it into three points:

First, God has illuminated my path.

Look at Nehemiah 9:19b: "…  By day the pillar of cloud did not cease to guide them on their path, nor the pillar of fire by night to shine on the way they were to take."  Just as God led the Israelites through the wilderness with a pillar of fire at night, the Lord has illuminated my life during its darkest times.  I spent nearly half of my life, around 20 years, in the darkness of my heart.  On the surface, I was a pastor's son who attended worship services every Sunday, offering praise and gratitude to God with my lips.  However, internally, my heart was shrouded in guilt due to sin.  I struggled with a deep sense of darkness, especially during worship services or Bible study times when I would hear God's Word but fail to live according to it.  I saw myself as a sinner who couldn't live in accordance with God's Word, constantly plagued by guilt.  I focused on myself, not being able to follow God's commands and excelling in what He had instructed me not to do.  I saw only my own sin, and the cross seemed distant.  Consequently, I lived as a slave to sin, imprisoned by my own guilt, unable to escape the dark room of my heart.  As this darkness persisted, self-blame turned into self-loathing, and I even had suicidal thoughts.  Though I knew in my head that I should look up to Jesus, who shed His blood on the cross for my sins, I couldn't lift my eyes to behold Him. It was in the midst of such a life that, in His time, God in His compassion and grace opened my spiritual eyes and enabled me to look up to the light — the crucified Jesus.  God then illuminated my life, rescued me from the dark chamber of my heart, and granted me true freedom within the truth. God allowed me to rely on the blood of Jesus shed on the cross.  God enabled me to see that there was no place to go but the cross. Hallelujah!

Second, God has taught me.

Look at Nehemiah 9:20a: “You gave your good Spirit to instruct them. You did not withhold your manna from their mouths, and you gave them water for their thirst.”  To understand this, we need to refer to Numbers 11:17, 25. In Numbers, we see that when Moses complained to God, saying, "the burden is too heavy for me" (Num.11:14), God instructed Moses to appoint 70 elders to share his burden.  Why did God do this?  It was so that the same Spirit that came upon Moses would also come upon these 70 elders, lightening Moses' load.  That very "Spirit" is referred to as the "good Spirit" in Nehemiah 9:20, namely, the good Holy Spirit.  Indeed, after this good Spirit came upon them, what did these 70 elders teach the Israelites?  They taught them God's good commands given by God to Moses on Mount Sinai (v. 13).   In other words, Moses and the 70 elders taught the Israelites God's good laws (commandments) to impart understanding and wisdom to them. In Nehemiah's time, the Israelites confessed their sins and the idolatrous sins of their ancestors during the exodus from Egypt, acknowledging the grace of God who, despite their past sins, allowed the good Holy Spirit to come upon not just Moses but also the 70 elders to teach the Israelites God's good statutes. Under what circumstances are the Israelites remembering and confessing this work?  It is precisely during the time when there is a revival of the Word at the Water Gate through the Spirit-filled scholar Ezra.  As the Israelites stand and listen to the reading of the Law for about six hours, they realize its significance and weep (vv. 8-9). They also rejoice greatly as they obey the Word (v. 17). By confessing (acknowledging) that the unchanging God has shown them mercy, they acknowledge that their ancestors and themselves, who once arrogantly engaged in idol worship, were led and instructed by the mercy-showing Word and the Holy Spirit. The unchanging God, through the Spirit-filled leaders He appointed for their ancestors and themselves, taught them the Word of God, Moses' Law, and led them without swerving to walk the right path as God's holy people.

I meditated on this word, reflecting on how God has led my life.  In John 14:26, Jesus said, “But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all that I said to you.”  I thought about how God has taught me through the author of the Scriptures, the Holy Spirit, and shown me the way for my life.  Some moments and verses come to mind.  First, when I was in college, God taught me through the pastor's message about 1 John 5:11-12, which are verses about the assurance of salvation.  The pastor explained the "Fact," "Faith," and "Feeling" aspects of these verses, which led me to have confidence in my faith and enabled me to live a life of faith.  Another memorable moment was during a university retreat at our church when God spoke to me through John 6:1-15.  That night, I repented and surrendered my life, feeling called to become a pastor and prepare for seminary.  I also remember Psalms 34:8, which God impressed upon me during our marriage ceremony about 13 years ago.  I reflected on God's goodness and said, "God is so good," to which my wife responded, "All the time."  This has become a joyful exchange between us.  Lastly, an unforgettable Bible verse is Psalms 63:3, "Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you."  God gave me this verse when our firstborn, named Joo-young (meaning "the glory of the Lord"), was facing a life-threatening condition.  It helped us make the decision to let her go peacefully, knowing that God's eternal love is greater than our 55-day-old daughter's life.  These moments and verses have guided and shaped my life and ministry.

“Your word is a lamp to my feet And a light to my path” (Ps. 119:105).

Third and last, God has nurtured me.

Look at Nehemiah 9:21 – “For forty years you sustained them in the desert; they lacked nothing, their clothes did not wear out nor did their feet become swollen.”  The God who led the Israelites also nurtured them so that they lacked nothing.  In other words, God became their good shepherd, providing for their needs and ensuring they lacked nothing.  God made sure their clothes did not wear out, and their feet did not swell.  This reminds me of Psalms 23:1, "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want."  The people of God, led by the Lord as their good shepherd in the wilderness and guided into the promised land of Canaan, lacked nothing.  However, I have pondered why I sometimes feel lacking, and I believe it's because of greed within me.  Consider Numbers 11:4: "The rabble with them began to crave other food, and again the Israelites started wailing and said, 'If only we had meat to eat!'"  Just like the Israelites who, influenced by worldly desires, craved meat and complained even though they had the heavenly manna that God provided (Exod. 16:3), I sometimes found myself praying with discontent, asking for things other than God's Word.  In the past, I would sit at the dinner table and, before eating, I would think about the daily bread provided and be overwhelmed with gratitude and tears, but now, my stomach is full, and those tears are no longer there.  My belly is satisfied.  However, God, in His mercy, has humbled me, making me feel spiritually needy, and caused me to seek the riches of His Word (Ps. 119:72).  He has taught me the secret of contentment (Phil. 4:11), leading me to pursue only Jesus Christ, the bread of heaven, and His truth that comes from His mouth.  Through His guidance, God is leading me to walk humbly and faithfully on the exalted path before me. All of this is by His grace and through His guidance.

I believe that the God who has guided me until today is the same yesterday, today, and forever.  Just as He has guided me in the past and continues to guide me in the present, I trust that He will also guide me in the future.  The God who illuminates and instructs, guiding me, and shepherding me, will lead me to green pastures and quiet waters, even if I were to walk through the valley of the shadow of death. I believe that He will guide me to the everlasting kingdom.

“Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,

And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever” (Ps. 23:6).