The death of the first baby

            Seven months after marriage, in November 1997, in Thanksgiving season, I went to Good Samaritan Hospital in Los Angeles with my pregnant wife.  A nurse inspected my wife and said that something was strange.  So the nurse wanted to take an ultrasound.  After seeing the result, the doctor told us that something was wrong with our baby.  The doctor told us that the baby didn’t have diaphragm on the left side so that the intestine went up and there was no left lung.  And the heart was pushed toward the right side. And her spinal cord was in “S” shaped.  My wife and I were very surprised.  However, my wife gave birth to our first baby who was a gift from God on March 3, 1998 [My father gave the baby the Korean name “JooYoung” which means "the glory of the Lord".  And I gave her the English name “Charis” (meaning "grace" in Greek).  As soon as the doctor received the baby, he let my wife to hold her few seconds.  And then he took Charis from my wife and then put her in the incubator that the medical team had prepared.  And they took the baby to an ambulance in order to take her to the larger Los Angeles Children Hospital intensive care unit.  And she was there for 55 days.

            Every time I visit my baby for 55 days, I sang the hymn "Jesus Loves Me" to my beloved baby Charis.  I have never heard any sound coming out from Charis’ mouth because she had tube in her mouth all along.  So I couldn’t even hear her crying in tears.  And there were so many needle marks everywhere (even on her head).  We couldn’t imagine how much Charis was suffering all along.  We just wanted her to live so we cried out to God for a miracle.  Charis had about two major surgeries and the doctor told us each time that the surgery went well.  So I thought that God was going to save her.  But on the 54th days, on Sunday (the date of our wedding anniversary)  my sister went to the hospital and came back to the church and said that Charis was in critical condition.  She said that the Charis’ whole body looked a like black maybe because there was no blood circulation.  At that time, when we heard the news from my younger sister, my wife immediately went to the Children Hospital intensive care unit room.  But I went after I finished my ministry because I remembered my friend’s testimony even though my heart was really wanted to be there with Charis.  When I arrived at the hospital, the doctor called me apart and gave me two options: (1) Will you let your baby die slowly or (2) Will you let her die quickly?  At that time, I answered her to let Charis die slowly because I did not release the cord of hope.  Then I came home later and talked to my wife.  We did not want the child to suffer anymore, so we decided to send the baby quickly.

            The next day, on Monday morning, I read the Bible, and the words of Psalm 63:3 came to my heart and shared it with my wife: "They lovingkindness is better than my life, and my lips shall praise Thee."  As we believed the eternal love of God is better than the 55 days life of Charis, we went to the hospital.  After informing our doctor about our decision, I contacted my parents, my older brother and my younger sister and they all came to the ICU and worshiped God first.  And then everyone went to the next room, and I held Christ in my arms first time and walked toward the next room.  At that moment, I thought I was going to die by not able to breathe because of my cry out.  When I went to the next room with baby Charis, everyone was crying except my father.  My father asked me to give Christ to him so I did.  And then he held Christ in his arms and put his one hand on her head and memorized the Bible John 3:16.  Then another doctor came and checked Charis’ heart and told us that she passed away.

            After few days later, my wife and I cremated deceased Charis and went to the water with the baby’s ashes.  We borrowed a small boat and drove the boat into the water.  My wife who sat in front of the boat with a small box containing the baby's ashes spread the ashes into the water.  Then, as we were returning to the ground, my wife suddenly turned her head to me who was steering the boat and said "Titanic."  At that time, tears flowed from her both eyes.  When I saw her, I looked up the sky and praised God "My Savior's Love" (or "I Stand Amazed"):

(v. 1)       I stand amazed in the presence of Jesus the Nazarene,

                                And wonder how he could love me, A sinner, condemned, unclean.

               (v. 2)        For me it was in the garden He prayed: "Not My Will, but Thine."

                                He had no tears for his own griefs, but sweat drops of blood for mine.

               (v. 3)        In pity angels beheld Him, And came from the world of light

                                To comfort Him in the sorrows He bore for my soul that night.

               (v. 4)        He took my sins and my sorrows, He made them his very own;

                                He bore the burden to Calvary, And suffered and died alone.

                (v. 5)       When with the ransomed in glory His face I shall last see,

                                'Twill be my joy through the ages.

                (Chorus) O how marvelous! She is so wonderful! And my song shall ever be:       

                               O how marvelous! She is so wonderful! Is my Savior's love for me!