Lord, please make me beautiful.
“For the LORD takes pleasure in His people; He will beautify the afflicted ones with salvation.” (Psalms 149:4)
In the morning of the New Year, even though I want to face hopeful New Year, I woke up early with heavy heart. My heart was more tire than my body. So I rolled around in bed because I didn't know what to do. Then my oldest son, Dillon came to me and told me that there was about 100 ants in the children's bathroom trash can. So I woke up quickly from the bed. And when I went to their bathroom with the ant killer spray, there were only about 10 ants in the trash can. Haha. I sprayed the ant-killer and put the trash in a bag. Then, after washing the trash can with water, putting it back in place, I lie down on my bed again. But I couldn't sleep and a lot of thought came to my mind. One of the thoughts that was in my mind was to go see grandma Park on our church at a nursing home. Since I had experienced being strengthen many times when I visited her, especially when my heavy heart felt light in tears when I stood before her and sang the hymn “Since Christ My Soul From Sin Set Free”, I arose from my bed and headed to the nursing home. When I arrived and went to her room, I was surprised to see an oxygen respirator in her mouth. I was worried because she didn't look so good. So I asked a working woman who was still helping another grandmother in the same room. And she said that she didn't know and told me to ask another person who was in charge of grandma Park.
Looking at my beloved grandma Park, who didn’t remember anything and was suffering with dementia, I thought about the memories I have with her from when she first came to our church. Among those memories, I remember two words that she said to me when I visited her before: ‘Victory Presbyterian Church is our church’ and ‘I suffered a lot’. When I recalled that memory, I could feel that she loved Victory Presbyterian Church very much and I should also love our church more like her. I remembered my grandparents as well. I remembered what my grandmother said when I visited her when she was in a hospital. She told me to ‘Take care of Victory Presbyterian Church’ and it sounded like her last will to me who was an assistant pastor at Victory Presbyterian Church. Also, when I remembered when grandma Park said to me, ‘I suffered a lot,’ I thought that I should devoted more and serve Victory Presbyterian Church. Among these thoughts, I remembered the words of Psalms 149:4 that I meditated on during the morning prayer meeting this Wednesday. And I prayed to God with my heart, ‘Lord, please make me beautiful.’ As I prayed to God, ‘Lord, please make me beautiful’ and as I experienced the Spirit delivering me from my heavy heart, I kept looking at beloved grandma Park. Although she had no memory due to dementia, I was comforted by the fact that God, who loves her, remembered her also remembered me. Meanwhile, a working woman in the same room was trying to feed something to another Korean grandmother sitting in a wheel chair. And I heard the woman’s sound ‘Grandma, spit, spit out’ in Korean. The moment I heard that, I thought about what to spit out from my heart. I found out after talking with the nurse in charge of grandma Park that the reason why her lips were so swollen was because she kept vomiting out nutrients that entered her stomach through a hose. When I heard that reason, I also wanted to spit out and vomit all the thoughts in my mind that kept on tempting me. I kept praying to God with my heart. I prayed that God would allow me to spit out all the sinful thoughts so that I would not fall into temptations and sin against God. I asked God to deliver me from all those temptations and make me beautiful in His sight. In the midst of that, I remembered the words of Psalms 147:11 that the Lord delights in those who fear Him and who put their hope in His unfailing love. I longed for His unfailing love because I wanted to love fellow brothers and sisters in Christ with His unfailing love in this New Year. I hoped and prayed that this year could be a year of love and forgiveness.
After I met my beloved church grandma Park, I got into the car and turned on the CD player. And the Korean gospel song “Thank You, I Didn’t Realize” came out. Among the lyrics, the word “precious” was first heard in my ears. I was comforted by the fact that I am so precious in the sight of God. And I drove to Victory Presbyterian Church. And on this first day of the New Year, in the pastoral room of Victory Presbyterian Church, which the Lord loved and gave the promise of ‘I will build my church’ (Mt. 16:18), I am meditating on the word of God and writing this quite time meditation incoherently. I am praying for comfort in my affliction (Ps. 119:49-50) while remembering the promises of God, when my heart is heavy and I cannot stand alone due to unexpected hardships in this New Year. The word of the Lord will save us. The Lord will make us hope. I hope and pray that we rejoice in that hope and better prepare for the Second Coming of the Lord. When He comes back, He will make us all the most beautiful.
With the heart of gratitude for God’s grace in beautifying such weak and ugly man like me,
James Kim
(As I think about God’s beautiful people)