“my chief joy”

“May my tongue cling to the roof of my mouth If I do not remember you, If I do not exalt Jerusalem Above my chief joy.” (Psalms 137:6)

                I grabbed Henry Nowen's book again and started reading.  There was a word that came to my mind as I read it.  That word was "Self-rejection".  Perhaps the reason this word came to my mind was because I had a life of faith that confuses 'self-denial' and 'self-rejection'.  Too many times I have experienced my soul being hurt by self-refusal.  I wasn't able to live the life the Lord wanted because I misunderstood that it was humility that I refused myself.  I think that was why I couldn’t help my self but to pay attention to this word “Self-rejection”.

                I think refusing oneself is like not knowing how to love oneself with the love of the Lord.  Too many times it seems that we tend to consider sinful when we love ourselves with the love of the Lord.  We hear so much about the love of God and love of our neighbors, but we seem to think that it is quite selfish for some reason to love ourselves with the love of the Lord.  Therefore, our ego is not healthy but rather is sick.

I remember seeing the title of the Korean book 'Christian's Self-Love'.  But such a book doesn't seem to be popular to us.  As a result, we have not learned to love ourselves with the love of the Lord.  Therefore, we are trying to love God and our neighbors as 'Self deformed child'.  How can we love God and our neighbor with an unhealthy self.  How could that be possible?  Maybe it's the ability of hypocrisy (?).

                Too many Christians suffer from guilt.  We are sick of various guilt feelings from the guilt of hypocritical life.  Furthermore, we are living a life of faith as we believe and misunderstand that it is humility to abuse ourselves when we commit sin.  I think about how poor children we are in God's eyes.  I wonder if this is the life of the children who are pleased with God?

The challenge we receive through the words of Psalms 137:6 is that the psalmist confesses that he is more pleased with the Lord than his chief joy.  How could he make this confession?  I think it’s because he had a healthy self.  In other words, because the psalmist knows that God is his chief joy, I think that even in his life, Heavenly Father was more joyful than the chief joy of this world.  I remember one gospel song.  It is a song that confesses that God cannot overcome joy toward us.  I think those who can view God as joy more than the chief joy in this world know that God cannot overcome joy toward them.  Those who are full of that joy and love are those who know how to love God and their neighbors with their healthy selves because they love themselves with the love of the Lord.

With gratitude for the grace of God who loves a such sinner like me and regards me as His chief joy,

James Kim

(As I earnestly pray that I may love the Lord who is more joyful than my chief joy in this world.)