A peaceful family
“Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife” (Proverbs 17:1).
What do you think is the final goal of employees' lives? As a result of a survey of 239 employees, 88.7% of respondents answered that they have the final goal of their lives. Nine out of ten workers say they have the final goal in life, and the number one is a peaceful family. 28.3% said that they want to achieve the peaceful family as their final goal of their lives. 27.4% of the respondents said that they want to be the best in their field, 16.0% said that they want to be entrepreneurs, 9.4% said that they want to trouble around the world, 8.5% said they want to prepare their own house, 4.2% said that they want to change jobs and etc.. In order to achieve the goal, 60.4% said that they are working hard, 45.8% said that they are collecting a lot of money, 34.4% said that they are doing activities to expand their network, 31.1 % said that they are studying hard every day, 26.4 % said that they are doing financial technology. The reason for setting the final goal of life is that 72.2% said that they want 'to live a happy life, 8.5% said that they want to earn wealth and honor, 7.1% said that they want to not be ashamed by others, 6.6% said that they want to contribute to society, and 2.4% said that they want to do their filial duties to their parents (Internet).
In Proverbs 17:1, the Bible says, “Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife.” What does it mean? It means that it’s better to be peaceful in the family even if we live poorly than to live abundantly with strife in the family. It is said that the old family of Israel shared the leftover food from what they offered sacrifice to God (Lev. 7:16; 19:6; 1 Sam. 9:24). And after offering sacrifice to God, the family members supposed to enjoy meal together. But if there was strife among them, then it is the family with serious dissatisfaction (Park). Can you imagine that after we gave tithe and thanksgiving offering to God during Sunday worship the family members are disputing with the leftover money? The word of Proverbs 17:1 teaches us that peace of the family doesn’t depend on abundance or poverty. And my personal thought is that the cause of strife is not only depended on abundance. Based on Proverbs 17:1, I would like to think about what kind of family is the peaceful family and how we can avoid strife in our family.
First, a peaceful family covers each other's offense. We must not repeat each other's offense in order to avoid strife in our family.
Look at Proverbs 17:9 – “He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.” Once, I posted this question on my personal facebook: ‘Why is it hard to share our prayer topics with one another in the church community?’ One of the brothers in Christ commented as follow: ‘We can share the prayer topic of our heart when there is trust among us. If not, then we can get hurt greatly. That’s why it is possible only with those who have the spirit of keeping the secret completely.’ What do you think of these words? As someone said, the church became the place where we cannot share our prayer requests. The reason is because there are people who "repeat the matters" in the church (v. 9). In other words, there are those who repeat the prayer requests of another person. If we repeat another person’s prayer request, then our relationship with that person will be distanced. Look at Proverbs 16:28 – “A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.” What does it mean? A liar stirs up dissension and separates close friends. When we look at marital relations at home, why do we have strife? Isn’t it because Satan, a liar, separates our marital relationship? How does Satan separate our marital relationship? Satan does so especially by making us to look at each other's offenses more that each other’s strengths and to repeat them not only to each other but to others as well. Although love keeps no record of wrongs (1 Cor. 13:5), Satan keeps on making us to keep record of each other’s wrongs in our thoughts, and make us to tell each other about the wrongs. Thus, Satan brings strife and discord in our marital relationship. I cannot help but agree with what King Solomon said in Proverbs 18:8 – “The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man's inmost parts.”
What should we do? We must meditate on the love of God that has covered our transgressions. In Ephesians 2:1, the Bible says, “And you were dead in your trespasses and sins.” God made us alive together with Christ even when we were dead in our transgression, and saved us (v. 5). Therefore, the Psalmist said in Psalm 32:1 – “How blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, Whose sin is covered!” We who have received God’s great blessing and love in Christ Jesus must love our neighbors. How should we love our neighbors? We can love our neighbors by covering over their wrongs (Prov. 10:12). We must put effort to cover over our closest neighbor that is our family members’ wrongs. Therefore, we must keep the unity of the Holy Spirit in our family (Eph. 4:3).
Second, a peaceful family receives rebuke from each other. We must humbly receive each other's rebuke in order to avoid strife in our family.
Look at Proverbs 17:10 – “A rebuke goes deeper into one who has understanding Than a hundred blows into a fool.” What would you do if your children were offended and fighting each other because they broke the commandments of God and continued to talk about each other's faults? Would you just keep on watching them arguing and fighting? I am sure you won’t. I am sure no parents like to see their children fighting. We want our children to love each other and to be at peace. But if they fight, then we have to rebuke them in love. But what if our children are fools so they don’t listen to our rebuke? What should we do then? I think we have no choice but to discipline them. But if any of our children hear our rebuke and repent of their own wrongs and have peace with their brother or sister, then how wise are they? The Bible says it is better to rebuke our wise children because our rebuke will go deeper into them more than the hundred blows into the foolish children (v. 10). Isn’t this word interesting? Of course we must not interpret this word literally. Can you imagine hitting our foolish children hundred times? What would happen to our children then? Nevertheless, a fool is mocker (9:7) that he won’t repent and turn away from his/her wrongdoings. But if we rebuke our wise children, our rebuke will be deeply engraved in their hearts even though there will be no mark of discipline on their body. There is a good example in the Bible about the wise man. The good example is David. How did David respond when Prophet Nathan rebuked him for his sins of adultery and intentionally killing Bathsheba’s husband Uriah? Look at 2 Samuel 12:13a – “I have sinned against the LORD ….” As soon as David heard the Prophet Nathan’s rebuke, he immediately confessed and repented of his sins. In the case of Apostle Peter, when a rooster crowed and when the Lord turned and looked at Peter, he remembered the word of the Lord, “Before a rooster crows today, you will deny Me three times” (Lk. 22:60-61). And he went out and wept bitterly (v. 62). What a wise man who wept bitterly and repent as he remembered what the Lord said? Like David and Peter, those who are wise don’t need a hundred lashes. They just need a word of rebuke from the Lord. Then they will confess and repent of their sins. Don’t you think our family members need this kind of wisdom?
Those who are wise, that is, the ones who have understanding, will repent of their sins and walk on the right path. We cannot but help ourselves sinning against God and against each other in our family. But if we have God’s given wisdom, we will be able to not only know our sins but also the Spirit will help us to confess and repent our sins to God and to each other. Especially, we will be able to receive each other’s rebuke humbly and repent and return to God and to each other. When we do so, our family will be in peace.
Third, a peaceful family doesn’t pay back evil for good. We must pay back good for good in order to avoid strife in our family.
Look at Proverbs 17:13 – “If a man pays back evil for good, evil will never leave his house.” The family, in which evil never leaves, rebels against God’s will, disobeys God’s words and does unrighteous things. And because they do unrighteous things, they meet disaster in their family. That biblical example is David. King David paid back evil for good. In other words, he purposely killed Uriah, the husband of Bathsheba, who was loyal to him and his kingdom, so that he repaid evil for good. As a result, his son Amnon raped Tamar like his father David had committed adultery with Bathsheba. And as David killed Uriah, Absalom, the brother of Tamar, killed Amnon. These family calamities came because David disobeyed God’s will and His commands. It was the result of his unrighteous acts.
So many families now are facing family disasters. It seems like there is never ending discord in the families. What are the problems in the contemporary family that are filled with wounds, pains and suffering? One of the problems is the sin of our family. Many families are suffering now because they are sinning against God's will, disobeying God's Word, and doing evil rather than good. The family that cannot taste the goodness of God, that doesn’t feel the grace and love of God, and is not humble before God, but rather is arrogant eventually rebels against God’s will, disobeys His commands and does unrighteous. What must we do? We should listen to the words of 1 Peter 3:9 – “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.” What do you think of the word of God, that you should repay evil with blessing? We should bless our family members even when we hurt each with our lips in the midst of strife in the family.
When I was working out before with mp3 on my years, I heard 1 Peter 2:23 Jesus didn’t retaliate when people hurled their insults at Him but he suffered. As I heard this word and meditated on it, I thought to myself that I shouldn’t say the same thing to other people when they say the things that displeased me. We should not overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good (Rom. 12:21). We must suffer from doing good rather than doing evil. This is the will of God for us (1 Pet. 3:17). Although our souls forlorn when people repay us evil for good (Ps. 35:12), we must not grow weary of doing good (2 Thess. 3:13). We must turn from evil and do good. We must seek peace and pursue our family peace (Ps. 34:14).
Fourth, a peace family drops the matter before a dispute breaks out. We must drop the matter before the dispute breaks out in order to avoid strife in our family.
Look at Proverbs 17:14 – “Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.” Why do we usually start a quarrel in the family? Is it because of big things or just a little thing? There are few Chinese words that I found in the Internet. Let me translate into English: (1) “百年偕老” (Growing old together): As a couple, a husband and a wife grow old together in harmony. (2) “偕老同穴” (Growing old together and are buried in the same grave): Since the couple lives in peace, they grow old together when they are alive and they bury in the same grave when they die. (3) “蝸角之爭” (Fighting over small things): Literal meaning is that fighting on the horns of a snail. It means that small countries are fight each other. The couple is fight over very small thing. The reason why couples and children fight each other is starting from a very minor matter. That’s why Proverbs 17:14a says “Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam ….” What does this mean?
Have you ever been to Hoover Dam, near Las Vegas? If you have heard that there is water leaking in the dam, will you still walk on the dam and look around? Think about it. If there is a very small hole in such a large dam, and water is coming out in small quantities, will you still stand over the Hoover Dam and continue to look the dam and its surround? Even if it is very small hole with small amount of water leading, I am sure that if people working at the dam find out, then they will certainly tell the tourists to flee and not come near at all. Why is that? Isn’t it because it is very dangerous? When I think about this, I think there is a perfect Chines word for it. It is “水滴穿石”. It means that if water drops continually, then it will eventually punch a hole in a stone (Internet). Even if it is a very small hole in a big dam, if you leave it alone, the dam will collapse, and it will have a great damage. That’s why King Solomon said in Proverbs 17:14b “so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.” But it seems like we aren’t obeying this word of God. We aren’t dropping the matter before the dispute breaks out. As a result, small argument gets bigger fight. What’s the problem? Look at James 4:1 – “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you?” The problem is our desires that battle within us. And if we don’t control these desires but just keep on fighting and quarreling, then we will be those who love a quarrel (Prov. 17:19). And if we love the quarrel, then we will love sin (v. 19). After all, the reason we fight and quarrel in our home is because of our desires that battle within us. And there is covetousness in us that desires to fight and quarrel (Jam. 4:2). For example, when the couple is fighting, they start fighting when their desire is not satisfied by their spouse, that is, when they don’t get what they want. When we put down what we want (covetousness), we can prevent the fight. But how difficult is it to actually put it down?
There is book titled ‘Put down’ by formal missionary to Mongolia Pastor Yong-gyu Lee. I think after he published that book he wrote another book titled ‘Put down more’. Although he could have pursued worldly success with his Ph.D. degree at Harvard University, he went to remote area as a missionary and served the Lord. But that wasn’t’ why he wrote his book ‘Put down’. What he emphasized in his book was death of self in Christ as Galatians 2:20 teaches (Internet). And this is what he said in his book ‘Put down’: ‘There is a very small child in us. That child is a crying child who wants to be recognized. When this child’s desire is not satisfied, he makes our inner self very difficult. We live in our emotions without knowing that there is a child in us. However, this child can only be restored and rested through the love and recognition of God. Satan constantly makes us obsessed with what we don’t have. As long as we are obsessed with what we don’t have, we cannot enjoy what we have received with joy. As we seek the recognition of the world, we are held in this world. That is how much we miss our freedom from heaven. God said, 'I see the perfumed jar in you.' The very next word drove me into surprise and pierced my heart deeply. 'But the jar wants not to be broken yet even though it was given in front of Jesus’ feet.’ Because of that word, I saw my unbroken self. Although I went all the way in front of the Jesus’ feet, I realized my pride that didn’t want to be broken. I saw in me that I wanted to be respected. I thought because of that I was hurt by someone else's words. A deep sob came out of me. I made a pledge to God in sadness. ‘God, I see parts in me that are still unbroken. I want to break my perfumed jar’. Although I was offered in front of Jesus’ feet, I cannot sent forth a sweet fragrance if it’s not broken. When the perfumed jar is broken and all the perfume in it flows out, we can commemorate the cross of Jesus’ (Internet).
There is a story among old traditions fairy tales of Korea. ‘It was not long before she was married. But one day she was crying in the kitchen without making rice. Her husband who saw her crying asked her why she was crying. She said because she had burnt the rice. The husband, who heard this, said to her, ‘It is my fault that I brought little water today because I was busy and that’s why you burned the rice because of little water.’ And he comforted her. When she heard this, she was more tearful because her heart was touched by what he said. His father-in-law, who was passing by in front of the kitchen, saw this scene and asked her why she was crying. When he heard what she said, he said that it was because he was too old and weak that he couldn’t cut the firewood small enough. So the fire was too strong and that’s why the rice got burned. And he comforted his son and daughter-in-law. When her mother-in-law who heard all these came and told her daughter-in-law that it was her fault because she is too old that she couldn’t smell the rice cooking and forgot to tell her daughter-in-law the time to put down the rice. So she tried to comfort her daughter-in-law as well. The old people told this story and said it was "家和萬事成" (Chinese word). It means ‘when one’s home is happy, all goes well.’ If we look at this story, we can see that no one blamed her who burned the rice, but everybody tried to comfort her as they reflect on their mistakes and blame on themselves. In this way, peace comes. And all is well in peace. Moreover, the Holy Spirit is dwelling in us. This Holy Spirit unifies our hearts. Therefore, when all our family members are obedient to the guidance and inspiration of the Holy Spirit, we will be able to live in understanding, forgiveness, comfort and encouragement and live heavenly life in our family (Internet).