An exemplary relationship between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law

“Boaz replied to her, ‘All that you have done for your mother-in-law after the death of your husband has been fully reported to me, and how you left your father and your mother and the land of your birth, and came to a people that you did not previously know’” (Ruth 2:11).

             What is conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law?  When I look at an internet article, it says that the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is the state of conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law that is deepened in subtle emotions that they cannot openly talk to each other (Internet).  Then why is this conflict occurring?  The mother-in-law's thoughts and the daughter-in-law's thoughts about the reason seem to be different.  For example, the mother-in-law might think that (1) her daughter-in-law ignores her words, (2) interferes with everything about her works, and (3) her daughter-in-law is very selfish.  How about the daughter-in-law?  What’s is her position about the conflict between her and her mother-in-law: (1) conflicts in having her father-in-law and mother-in-law with her, (2) conflicts because of relatives and children, and (3) conflicts due to lack of dialogue with her mother-in-law (Internet).  The problem is that they have different perspectives, don’t respect each other's ideas, and they want to pursue their own thoughts rather than trying to understand each other.  In short, it is conflicts that come from the immature faith in the Lord and personality.  And the lack of wisdom and ability to cope with such conflicts to benefit each other's relationship is also a problem.  Because of the lack of generosity and love that can make conflict a good opportunity to get to know each other, the end of conflict is the fruit of sin.

            I want to try to apply some Biblical principles by meditating on the relationship between Naomi, mother-in-law and Ruth, daughter-in-law which is an exemplary model, and hope to learn these principles well so that we can apply them not only in the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law but also all other human relationship as well.

            First, what are the biblical principles to be learned from the exemplary mother-in-law Naomi?

(1)   Blessing the daughter-in-law

After her two sons Mahlon and Chilion (1:2) died in Moab (v. 5) and heard in the land of Moab that the Lord had visited His people in giving them food (1:6) Naomi, the mother-in-law, arose with her two daughters-in-law in order to return to the land of Judah, her hometown Bethlehem (v. 7).  And on the way to Bethlehem, she told her two daughters-in-law, Orpah and Ruth (v. 4), to return to their mothers’ house (v. 8).  And then she blessed them, “May the Lord deal kindly with you as you have dealt with the dead and with me” (v. 8).   

Therefore, mother-in-law should bless her daughter-in-law.  The mother-in-law should never say bitter words [“Mara” (v.20) which means “bitterness”] to her daughter-in-law.  Instead, she should bless her daughter-in-law [“… that it may be well with you?” (3:1)].

(2)   Seeking the benefits of the daughter-in-law

In Ruth 2:22, the mother-in-law Naomi said to her daughter-in-law Ruth like this: “It is good, my daughter, that you go out with his maids, so that others do not fall upon you in another field.”  The background of this verse is that Naomi said this verse 22 to Ruth who was working in the field of Boaz, a kinsman of Naomi’s husband (2:1), when she told her mother-in-law Naomi about the grace she received from Boaz and what Boaz said to her, that is “You should stay close to my servants until they have finished all my harvest” (v. 21).  Here from what Naomi said, “It is good”, to Ruth “My daughter” (3:1), we can feel Naomi’s love toward Ruth by seeking Ruth’s benefits.  We can see in Ruth 3:1 that Naomi has sought the benefit of her daughter-in-law Ruth: “Then Naomi her mother-in-law said to her, "My daughter, shall I not seek security for you, that it may be well with you?”  In other words, Naomi pursued Ruth’s remarriage.  So she taught Ruth specifically how to approach Boaz (vv. 2-4).

The mother-in-law should love her daughter-in-law like her own daughter.  And she should seek the benefits of her daughter-in-law, always thinking about what is good for her daughter-in-law, rather than seeking her own benefits.

(3)   Talking with the daughter-in-law

From Ruth 2:19 through 3:5, we see Naomi talking to her daughter-in-law Ruth.  When we think of the conversation between Naomi and Ruth, in Naomi’s position, she wanted to know where and for who Ruth was working (2:19) and wanted to bless Boaz who was gracious to Ruth (v. 20).  She also wanted to tell Ruth who Boaz was (v. 20).

One of the causes of the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is lack of conversation.  However, when I think of Naomi and Ruth, who showed the exemplary relationship between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law, I think they really talked to each other in a specific and had genuine conversation.  The mother-in-law should have this kind of conversation with her daughter-in-law.  I think it is good idea for the mother-in-law to call her daughter-in-law and talk to her.  There is no need for her to wait for the phone call from her daughter-in-law.

(4)   Leading the daughter-in-law

In Ruth 3:18, the mother-in-law Naomi counsels her daughter-in-law Ruth as follow: “…  Wait, my daughter, until you know how the matter turns out; for the man will not rest until he has settled it today.”  Since Naomi loved Ruth, not only she blessed her but also she sought her benefits by specifically directing her for her remarriage.  In Ruth 3:18, Naomi exhorted Ruth to wait and see whether Boaz would redeem the land that belonged to Elimelech or not.  Naomi knew that Boaz would not rest until he had settled it.  And eventually, as we know, Boaz became the kinsman redeemer of all that belonged to Elimelech.  And with the guidance of Naomi, Ruth married Boaz (4:13) and enjoys the blessing of giving birth to Obed, the grandfather of David (v. 17).

                Second and last, what are the biblical principles to be learned from the exemplary daughter-in-law Ruth?

(1)   Dealing kindly with her mother-in-law

In Ruth 1: 8, we can see that Ruth dealt kindly with Naomi.  The exemplary daughter-in-law never ignores her mother-in-law.  Although her mother-in-law doesn’t deal kindly with her, she deals kindly with her mother-in-law.  Of course, it would be easier for the daughter-in-law whose mother-in-law deals kindly with her.  However, even though her mother-in-law doesn’t deal kindly with her, she deals kindly with her mother-in-law.

(2)   Following her mother-in-law.

In Ruth 1: 14 and 18, when Naomi left Moab to return to her home Bethlehem, she said to her two daughters-in-law, Orpah and Ruth, "Go return each of you to her mother’s house” (1:8).  Orpah kissed her mother-in-law and went back to her people and her gods (vv. 14-15) but Ruth clung to her mother-in-law, Naomi.  Although Naomi told Ruth to go back her people and her gods (v. 15), but Ruth replied like this: “Do not urge me to leave you or turn back from following you; for where you go, I will go, and where you lodge, I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God.  Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. Thus may the LORD do to me, and worse, if anything but death parts you and me” (vv. 16-17).  When Naomi saw that Ruth was determined to go with her, she said no more to her (v. 18).

When I think of Ruth who was determined to follow her mother-in-law Naomi, I think that the exemplary daughter-in-law should follow her mother-in-law like following the Lord.  Although Ruth could go back to her family, she followed a widow Naomi, her mother-in-law.  Not only she left her family, but she also left her people, Moabites, and followed her mother-in-law to Bethlehem.  The Bible teaches us that this kind of daughter-in-law who was determined and dedicated to follow her mother-in-law is the exemplary daughter-in-law.

(3)   Giving to her mother-in-law

Ruth worked diligently in the field of Boaz, and she had gleaned about an ephah of barley (2:17).  She took it up and went into the city, and gave her mother-in-law Naomi what she had left after she was satisfied (v. 18).  Ruth, a widow, supported her mother-in-law Naomi who was also widow.  When I thought about how Naomi could have been able to eat and live at that time, it would have been much better for her young daughter-in-law, Ruth, to go out and work hard to live and eat.  That’s why Ruth did.  She worked hard and provided food for her mother-in-law Naomi.

The exemplary daughter-in-law serves her mother-in-law.  She gives to her mother-in-law.  She not only gives foods to her mother-in-law, but also the pocket money and gifts as well and serves her.  The reason for doing so is because she loves her mother-in-law.

(4)   Talking with her mother-in-law

When we look at Ruth 2:19 to 3:5 and 3:16-18, we can see Ruth telling her mother-in-law Naomi what happened to her [(3:16) " ...  And she told her all that the man had done for her”].  Ruth told Naomi without omission.  So Ruth solved all of her mother's curiosity.  When I think of Ruth, she seems to understand her mother-in-law's heart and had conversation with her.  Ruth, who understood her mother-in-law’s heart, continued to tell Naomi, who blessed her and wanted her to remarry, what had happened with Boaz.

The exemplary daughter-in-law has good conversation with her mother-in-law.  The good conversation is to stand in her mother-in-law’s position and think about her situation and solve her curiosity.  Therefore, the daughter-in-law who is like Ruth often calls her mother-in-law and tells her story of her son and her grandchildren in full.  We should be this kind of daughter-in-law.

(5)   Obeying her mother-in-law

In Ruth 3:5-6, we can see Ruth obeying her mother-in-law Naomi.  She did all that Naomi told her to do (v. 5).  Ruth, who truly loved her mother-in-law, obeyed Naomi in full because she loved her.  The daughter-in-law who is so thoroughly obedient to her mother-in-law is an exemplary daughter-in-law.  And such daughter-in-law is the daughter-in-law who glorifies God.

            As I meditated on the exemplary mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship between Naomi and Ruth, conclusively I thought about what kind of being Ruth was to Naomi by listening to the women saying to Naomi: “May he also be to you a restorer of life and a sustainer of your old age; for your daughter-in-law, who loves you and is better to you than seven sons, has given birth to him” (4:15).  That's right. Her daughter-in-law Ruth was better to Naomi than seven sons.  Naomi, who had this daughter-in-law Ruth, was a happy woman as her name means.  Although her husband and two sons passed away and her first daughter-in-law Orpah left her, she received the God’s gracious gift of grandson Obed, “the father of Jesse, the father of David” (v. 17) through her second daughter-in-law Ruth who followed her all the way to Bethlehem and remarried to Boaz.  In the end, God dealt kindly with Ruth as her mother-in-law Naomi blessed Ruth.  I hope and pray that such blessing will be with you and your family as well.