The wise parents

“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).

                According to a survey, many young people hate their parents.  The type is divided into four (Internet):

(1)     Firs type: Since my parent beat me and hate me, let me see - Many children have been abused.

(2)     Second type: What did my parents do for me – The parents didn’t fulfill the children’s needs, or since the parents have snobbery, they have over-influenced the children.

(3)     Third type: Why did my parents gave birth to me like this – This type applies to the children who have excessive physical, mental and social inferiority.

(4)     Fourth type: My parents raised me wrong – There are lots of children who are overly protected by their parents and who have problem with receiving lack of parents’ affection.  They are usually introspective and were left alone so they are quiet when they are outside.  But where they come home, they are rebellious, vandalize stuffs, assault, hate, and outburst and become tyrants.  Usually the lonely children often blame on their parents for their problems.  The phenomenon is caused by the overprotection of parents and the result of loving too much.  It can be said that this is the retributive justice that the adults made.

                As we know, there are always the problem parents behind the problem students.  Why are our children not being properly cared for and nurtured?  The figure of the right function family is love, peace of the family, the image of the harmonious relationship between husband and wife.  However, in the figure of dysfunctional family, there are a lot of conflict and problem than peace of the family and the harmonious relationship between husband and wife.  We can compare such dysfunctional family to the path, rocky places and thorns.  Then I would like to think of five characteristics that the dysfunctional family has that make the family not to raise and nurture the children properly (Internet):

(1)   The dysfunctional family focuses their attention on a child who has emotional problems.

In the dysfunctional family, the adults who need to care for the children have problems.  It is the case that the children need to fill the desire of the parents.  However, the right function family is the opposite.  In the right function family everyone has peaceful mind.  And in that family, the children are not caring for their parents, but the parents are taking care of their children.

(2)   The dysfunctional family limits the expression of emotions a lot.

The family members have to keep their feelings intact.  The dysfunctional family is also manifested by distorted beliefs.  When a person with mental problem encounters faith, he or she accepts it as distorted.  When the adult child has faith, he or she keeps on appearing in distorted faith.  He or she has strict restrictions on himself or herself.  He or she cannot understand the gospel as it is, the gospel.

(3)   The dysfunctional family stops speaking openly about any obvious problem.

There are people who cause problems, but they don’t want to improve.  Rather, they want to suppress, indifferent, cover them up.  They say never to speak out.  And they have no will to improve.

(4)   The dysfunctional family forces their children to survive.

Instead of encouraging each family member to be themselves, the dysfunctional family emphasizes the role of survival.  Because the parents have a lot of complex, they keep on setting their children as agents.  The children are being oppressed by the desire of their parents.  Such family forces a sacrificial victim.  The parents shift their responsibility to their children.  They put burden on their children.

(5)   The dysfunctional family doesn’t provide adequate nurturing for the growing children.

It is because the parents have not received the supply themselves. 

                What kind of parents should we be? We must be wise parents. Then, who are the wise parents?  I want to think of "The wise parents" as two things.

First, the wise parents are parents who don’t provoke their children to anger.

Look at Ephesians 6:4a – “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger ….”  The Bible is telling us, the parents, not to upset our children, not to stir them and not to provoke them to anger.  How can we parents provoke our children to anger?  I am sure there are multiple answers.  For example, we can provoke our children to anger (1) by yelling at them, by being angry at them, by speaking words that stirs them, (2) by disciplining them wrongfully, (3) by pointing out our children’s faults even though we personally live terribly, (4) by treating our children like our own properties, by expressing unconditional authority, by abusing our children and by ignoring our children (Pee).  The Bible Exposition Commentary tells us six reasons why fathers can upset and discourage their children: (1) different words and behaviors, (2) always blaming on children but never praising them, (3) inconsistency and unfair in discipline, (4) favoritism within home; (5) not keeping the promise, (6) treating the things lightly that are very important to the children.  In my opinion, one of the things parents can provoke their children to anger is that when the parents don’t love each other.  Particularly, the children can get angry when their father doesn’t love their mother.  In other words, if the children don’t see their father not loving their mother just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her in their home (Eph. 5:25), then the children can get angry.  The father can provoke his children to anger by not being a good example as their spiritual leader at home.

                Then why did Apostle Paul say ““Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger ….” (Eph. 6:4a)?  In the days of Paul, the father had the highest authority at home.  For example, in a Roman home, when a baby was born, someone took the baby to the father.  If the father picked up the baby, it meant that he would accept the baby in his house.  If the father didn’t pick up the baby, it meant that the baby was rejected.  Then the rejected baby could be sold, given to other people, or could be killed in the sun.  That was why Paul told the parents not to abuse their authority to abuse their children, but use the authority to comfort and build the children up.  Look at Colossians 3:21 – “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.”  Therefore, we, the parents, should not exasperate our children.  Instead, we should encourage them.

How can we encourage our children?

(1)   The best way is to show them how we love each other as their father and mother.

We can encourage our children by being obedient to Ephesians 5:22-32.  In other words, I think the best way to encourage our children is for the wife (mother) to be submissive to her husband and the husband (father) to love his wife.

(2)   It will be great encouragement to our children when we set an example of living a holy life.

We can encourage our children by being obedient to Ephesians 5:26-27.  In other words, as the husband (father) lives a life of obedience to the word of God by pursuing God’s holiness and lead his wife (mother) also to pursue God’s holiness and thus both live holy life, we can encourage our children.  We should never show a life that only talks like holy couple and pretend to be holy but the word and the life don’t match.

(3)   It will be great encouragement to deliver a message that lifts our children up.

In other words, we should complement a strong point of our children.  The encouraging message that lifts our children up opens the door for them to learn, to grow, to mature and to gain independence by enhancing their value.  In his book "Rebuilding Your Father Relationship," James L. Schaheller said that the father must give his children "value and self-esteem."  I cannot help but agree with what he said.  He also said, ‘The people who didn’t get supported by self-justice from their father in their childhood are often shaken when they feel anxiety.  But those who have been encouraged and supported can stand firmly even if the storms of life are aggravated.’

Second, the wise parents are parents who bring their children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Look at Ephesians 6:4b – “…  but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”  Apostle Paul exhorts us, the parents, to educate and strengthen our children and nurture them until they are mature.  Here the word ‘bring up’ (or ‘nurture’) appears in Ephesians 5:29, where the husband should "feeds" (‘nurture’) his wife.  That is, as a spiritual leader in the home, the father has a responsibility to nurture not only his wife but also his children as well.

How should we raise our children?

(1)   We should nurture our children in the training of the Lord.

Just as we are first disciplined by the Lord, be healed and walk the way of the Lord, we must nurture our children in the same way.  Look at Proverbs 22:6 – “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”  We must teach our children the way they should go, the way of wisdom, or the way of godly life.  In teaching my children, I am especially trying to teach them three things: (1) Right Value, (2) Clear Purpose, and (3) Eternal View of Life.

(2)   We should nurture our children in the instruction of the Lord.

We must give our children advice, warning, and exhortation with love.  I think we are spoiling our children too much these days.  How should we instruct our children?  Tedd Tripp speaks two things in his book "Shepherding a Child's Heart": Rich, full communication and the rod.  Nurturing our children with the Lord's instruction is speaking more of conversation than the rod.  Then how should we talk with our children?  There are three principles: (1) Don’t talk to your children; rather, talk with them, (2) (Don’t just express your thoughts only; rather, learn how to draw out their thoughts (Prov. 18:13), (3) Focus on understanding your children.  It is important to understand the nature of our children’s anxieties that they experiencing.  We have to give our strength and effort to understand why they explode their feelings.  Then what is the purpose of this instruction?  Look at Colossians 1:28 – “We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ.”  The purpose of instruction is to raise our children to be perfect in Christ.

The Western proverb says: ‘Children don’t learn in front of their parents.  They learn from their parents' back.’  The parents can say good words to their children.  But the most important principle in raising children is that the parents should be an example to their children.  In order to do that, we Christian parents have to learn.  We must learn how to encourage our children instead of provoking them to anger.  Also, we must learn how to teach our children in the training and instruction of the Lord.  The wise parents ultimately learn how to raise our children to be perfect in Christ.  So we have to let them see our life from our back and encourage them follow us.  I hope and pray that God gives us wisdom so that we may raise our children to be perfect in Christ, not provoking them to anger, but nurturing them in the training and instruction of the Lord.