Forgiving your spouse (4)

"Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven--for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little" (Luke 7:47).

I used to say this to my wife honestly before: 'You are the greatest encourager to me, but at the same time you are the greatest discourager to me.'  The reason I said to her was because not only that I was encouraged by her the most but also I was hurt by my wife.  One time, I told my wife honestly 'Jane, my heart is hurting.  What you said really pierced my heart like a dagger.'  And then my wife said to me: 'Thank you for letting me know.'  I was surprised to hear that.  And I thought in my mind like this: ‘How could she say like that?  Didn’t she really know that I was hurt by what she said?  From now on, I should tell her when I get hurt by what she says.’  After that conversation, my wife and I continued to have conflicts.  But there was something different than before.  We began to be more careful in thinking about what not to say and what not to do in order not to hurt each other’s hearts. 

My wife and I began to have a habit of talking carefully and honestly at a time when we have been hurt by each other more than before.  When we are hurt, our human nature is that we want to be comforted and to be healed.  However, many times we hide our deepest hurt from our spouses without any comfort and healing, as if those hurts have been ignored.  Then, those hurts that we hide deep in our hearts will keep on piling up with the new hurts due to the conflicts.  Eventually, those hurts will express outwardly and burst like a bomb, bringing a crisis to the marital relationship.  Before that, we need to find bombs hidden deeply in our hearts and remove them one by one, just as if we were removing bombs hidden in minefields.  In order to do so, we must commit ourselves to the removal of the bomb in our hearts with our spouses.  And we must use the bomb extractor wisely.  Here, the bomb extractor is forgiving.  In order to remove the bombs in our hearts, we must commit ourselves to forgive each other with the heart of Christ Jesus.  We must forgive our spouse first, rather than expecting our spouse to come to us first and ask for forgiveness.  How is this possible? How can we forgive our spouses first?

First, we must know the sin we committed against God and our spouse.

Look at Luke 7:39 – “When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, "If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is--that she is a sinner.”  This is what the Pharisee who had invited Jesus to his house to eat with him said to himself (v. 36).  The reason he said like this to himself was because he saw a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town brought an alabaster jar of perfume, stood behind Jesus at his feet weeping, began to wet Jesus’ feet with her tears and then wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them (vv. 37-38).  But Jesus didn’t distance himself from her, the "sinner", but instead he let her wiped his feet with her tears and then with her hair, let her kiss her feet, and even let her poured perfume on his feet.  In the Pharisee's point of view, I am sure he couldn’t understand.  I am sure he was wondering why Jesus let her do all those things to him if he was the prophet whom the Jews were waiting for (Deut. 18:18), then he would have known that the woman who touched him was a sinner.  What we can speculate here is that this Pharisee knew that the woman who sinned was a sinner, but he didn’t know that he himself was a sinner.  To be more precise, this Pharisee thought that he was righteous.  That was why he said to himself that the woman who wiped Jesus’ feet with her tears and her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them was a sinner (v. 39).  And I am sure the Pharisee considered her unclean and thus distanced himself from her.  But Jesus allowed her to come close to her and let her to do what she was doing on his feet.  So wouldn’t what Jesus did to her surprised the Pharisee?

When a man and a woman live together in marriage, there are so many things that surprise the couple.  The couple didn’t know the things that surprise them when they were dating.  But when they get marry, they can get shocked by what they see with their own eyes the surprised things that are being exposed.  The problem is not that they are surprised when they see those things that they didn’t know, but that they are disappointed with each other because of the things we have learned, and they also cause conflicts in their marital relationship.  Of course, at first, they will be patient with each other, and in many cases they will not make a marital issue.  But when time goes by the couple will began to have conflicts due to the obvious marital problems.  Eventually, they will argue and fight each other.  And when they argue and fight, they can hurt each other’s heart because they talk to each other in an angry state (the one who is angry may not know that s/he hurt her/his spouse).  Of course, it is not only because of what they say that hurts each other.  They can hurt each other even with their nonverbal behaviors.  The problem is that when they are hurt, they don’t say that they are hurt and they refuse to forgive each other.  Then they will start to see each other with distorted view because of the hurts that are in their hearts.  As a result, they may criticize each other (Mt 7:1).  And they may look down on each other in their minds (Rom. 14:3).  They may slander each other (Jam. 4:11).  They even condemn each other (Lk. 6:37).  Now they no longer keep the law but sit in judgment on it (Jam. 4:11).  When they come to this point, they cannot realize not the sin they have committed to each other, but also against God.  The reason is because they have lost ability to regard their sins as sin because they are looking at themselves before their spouse rather than looking at themselves before God.  How then can they acknowledge and confess their sins to God and seek for forgiveness?  If they cannot confess their sins to God and ask for forgiveness, of course, they can neither acknowledge and confess their sins against their spouse nor seek forgiveness.  They must know and understand the sin that they committed against God and their spouse.  And when they sin against their spouse, before seeing the greatness and size of their spouse’ sins they must see their sins and the size of their sins before God.  In order to do so, they must meditate on Jesus' suffering and His death of the cross.  When they think about Jesus who suffered for our sins and died on the cross, they can realize their sinfulness and how great and many their sins are.  And as they realize the greatness of their sins, the more they know, the more time they will look at their sins before God rather than focus on their spouse’s sins.

Second, we must forgive the sins of our spouses as God has forgiven our sins.

                Look at Luke 7:42 – “Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he canceled the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?”  This is what Jesus said to “one of the Pharisees” (v. 36), named "Simon" (v. 40), asking him “Two men owed money to a certain moneylender” (one owed him 500 denarii, and the other 50) (v. 41) and “Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he canceled the debts of both.  Now which of them will love him more?” (v. 42)  Simon's answer was “the one who had the bigger debt canceled” (v. 43).  What was Jesus' intention in saying this to Simon?  Why did Jesus tell Simon, a Pharisee who dealt with the woman who poured perfume on Jesus’ feet as “a sinner” (v. 39), the parable of write off debts? (vv. 40-43)  I looked up the answer in verse 47: “Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven--for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little.”  Jesus wanted to tell Simon that many of the sins of the woman whom Simon regarded as a sinner were forgiven (vv. 47-48).  And Jesus told Simon that many of her sins were forgiven because she loved Jesus so much (v. 47).

A truly serious problem in marital relations is that we are not aware of the sin we have committed against God and our spouse.  But a more serious problem is that we know the sin committed against God and our spouse but are not seeking forgiveness from God and our spouse.  We may often ask God for forgiveness, but we don’t ask our spouse for forgiveness.  Although we say that we love our spouse, but we are hesitant to ask our souse for forgiveness.  Thus, we miss our opportunity and ask our spouse for forgiveness.  Why?  Maybe it is because we are trying to justify us in front of our spouse (Lk. 10:29).  In other words, we may miss the opportunity to ask our spouse for forgiveness by trying to justify ourselves in front of our spouse.  Perhaps we are refusing to ask our spouse for forgiveness because we don’t see the greatness and innumerable sins of our own before God but see the greatness and innumerable sins of our spouse.  If we truly know the sins we have committed against our spouse before God, we will go to our spouse, not only to God, humbly and genuinely seek for forgiveness.  And if our spouse truly knows that God forgave her/his sins in Christ Jesus, then s/he will forgive us in her/his heart just as God forgave her/him in Jesus Christ.  In addition, s/he will be courageous and will accept us in her/his hearts and will love us more than ever.

The husband must know not only what he has done wrong against God and to his wife, but also the sin that he has committed against God and his wife.  And he must acknowledge, confess, and repent of his sins not only to his God but also to his wife.  And he must demonstrate to his wife that he truly repented of his sins with the conviction of God's forgiveness.  Therefore, his wife must be able to recognize that her husband has truly changed.  And then she must forgive her husband whom she loves.  She must forgive him with gratitude and grace for the fact that God forgave a sinner like her in Jesus Christ.  In particular, she must forgive her husband in love because of the abundant grace and great love that God has shown to her because of the fact that she has been forgiven many sins that she committed against God.  The same is true to the husband.  He must forgive his beloved wife because of God's great love and abundant grace that has been shown to him in forgiving his great and innumerable sins.  He must forgive her and embrace her with affection of Jesus Christ.  I hope and pray that as the couple not only get to know their great and innumerable sins in their relationship with God, but also get to know God’s overflowing love and abundant grace in forgiving their great and innumerable sins, they may be able to forgive each other with the heart of Jesus Christ.