Decode in order to have conversation

"What I'm talking about is not what you are listening to, and what you think you hear is not what I mean" [Dr. Emerson Eggerich, "The Love that She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs"].

            One of the reasons that keep the couple from getting out of the crazy cycle in marital relationship is the problem of conversation.  And the problem of conversation is that the husband doesn’t feel what his wife is saying, and the wife doesn’t understand what the husband is saying.  Although the wife wants her husband to sympathize with what she feels, her husband listens to her and hears that she wants a solution from him rather than sympathize with her feelings.  So the husband counsels her in love regarding the solution, but the wife complains to her husband in dissatisfaction because he doesn’t feel her feelings and she thinks that he doesn’t love her with the level of love she wants from him.  It’s same that the wife doesn’t listen to her husband well.  When the husband usually struggles by himself (although his wife doesn’t want him to do that because she wants him to share his struggles with her) and then speaks out to his wife, he wants her to understand him and respect him.  But when she cannot understand him and doesn’t encourage and build him up, then he will be more quiet and struggle by himself.  No matter how many times she tries to understand her husband by opening her imaginary wings, she cannot because she listens and tries to understand what he says with her self-centered mind.  In the end, both the husband and the wife are listening to each other with their own self-centered minds, they cannot share their thoughts and emotions.  As a result, they cannot escape from the crazy cycle.

            In order for the married couple to get out of the crazy cycle, they must learn each other’s conversation method.  In order words, the husband must learn his wife's conversation method, and the wife must learn her husband’s conversation method.  In order to do that, they need to put down their own conversation methods and open their hearts and ears first and listen to the each other’s words quickly (Jam. 1:19).  In other words, they must listen to each other.  The husband has to put down his logical way of thinking and try to feel what his wife feels.  In other words, the husband should be sensitive to his wife.  He must put more emphasis on sensitivity development than intellectual development.  Much effort is required.  In doing so, he must say the words to his wife that make her feel that she is loved.  And he should be able to lead the conversation with her.  The wife also needs to lay down her emotional conversation method and learn her husband's logical thinking.  In order to do that, she must focus on intellectual development rather than emotion development.  And she should try to listen to him logically rather than emotionally.  In the midst of it, she needs to be able to hear and speak to him so that her husband can think that his wife is respecting him.  Therefore, the couple must no longer remain in the crazy cycle by being in disagreement in conversation.  Instead, the couple should fill each other’s needs by husband loving his wife and wife respecting her husband and satisfy each other.  As a result, the couple should grow and be mature in their marital relations.