Conflicts (2)

How shall we resolve the inescapable conflicts in marital relations?  The traditional way is to suppress them.  It is simply avoiding the problem by thinking that time will solve by swallowing it without telling anything about conflict (Eskimo resolve method).  Another way to resolve conflict is to solve problems by expressing their emotions, such as throwing a bullet-kind of word, throwing objects, breaking stuffs, etc., with a fighting posture when there is misunderstanding between the couple, but the problem still remains and they are just hurting each other (Cowboy resolve method).  The escapism resolve method is dealing with conflict by avoiding the conflict altogether.  It is the way of concealing problems by drinking, shopping, doing drugs, running away or getting into work, through the escape of reality.  The worst conflict resolve method is violent resolve method.  It is an unfortunate way of resolving conflicts by dealing another person roughly and violently.  It causes violence and causes more pain and distance than the original caused problem.

                The couples who overcome both big and small conflicts in their marriage know almost all the practical means of resolving conflicts and know the most important antidote to prevent marriage breakdown, which is the ‘reconciliation spirit’.  This effect creates a state of mind that is fundamentally changing the way people make reconciliation and deal with conflict.  As we look for ways to resolve conflicts with a real spirit of reconciliation, I think we can make some suggestions.

The first step in resolving the conflict is to pray about the problem.

We sometimes think that everyone else is not right and that we are always right.  But when we pray to God, our spiritual eyes are being opened and we begin to see ourselves differently.  That is, we begin to realize our faults.  If the couples pray daily for their marriage, then the marital conflicts will be cut in half.  When we pray, God does miracles.  When we pray, the direction we point to each other will change.  Sometimes, when we pray the conflicts disappear.  In order to resolve conflicts, we must go to God first, not to our spouse.  We need to see what wisdom and insight God will give us.

The next step is to plan a formal peace talks in a quiet, secluded atmosphere where we can deal with our spouses face to face.

                When both husband and wife are moderately energetic, it is necessary to plan for peace talks in a neutral atmosphere.   It is also important to set a time for peace talks as soon as possible.  And in the meantime, the couple should make a vow not to sin against each other and against God.  Both of them must be banned from a series of nasty acts (involuntarily damned, spiteful, impudent) that complicate matters inevitably.  What should they do with peace talks?

(1)     They should start with a positive.  To jump right into the problem is to start with a negative attitude. First, 'Honey, I love you. And I decided to make this marriage a success. So I think our marriage can be better than now.  Here's what I think', then the peace talks can get more cheerful.

(2)     Be willing to receive criticism.  It is necessary for the couple to apply their insights and attitudes, which grew up when they prayed alone, to peace talks.  That is, they must admit specifically what they have done wrong until the conflict has occurred, not to accept any blame that is without responsibility, but to accept the criticism that they are responsible completely. The power of apology is amazing.  The short words "I am sorry" can rescue their relationship with their colleagues, their relationship with their children, and their marriage from divorce.  And that phrase can open a line of communication.

(3)     Look at the wound instead of hostility. Most problems start because of the wound.  The wound is a legitimate response to disappointment and distress, and they should never deny it or hide it.  It should always be expressed and discussed.  It is important to plan a peace talks before the wounds turn into anger because the wounds become a problem when you let the wounds accumulate and turn into anger.  What is important here is that people can set a temporary bridge of understanding and compassion by showing their hurts because they are moved by the pain of others.  But when they complain, the temporary bridge will be blown up.  Another mistake that turns the wound into anger is to build up the complaints.  Although one wound can be dealt with, if it becomes two wounds then it will be more difficult to deal with them.  And it is impossible to prevent it from turning into anger if they accumulate more wounds than that.  So they should treat it as soon as they have a complaint.

(4)     Speak directly.  Implication or improvised words are of little use.  The couple should speak exactly what they want to say, whether they're in an official peace talk or in a routine conversation.  They should use the phrase that starts with “I feel like ~.”  The plan of peace talks can be disrupted by the criticism that begins with “You” because not only it makes their spouses feel hostile but also it can end the process of peace talks even before it begins.  The phrase that begins with “'I feel like ~” opens the door for much less hostility, for continual discussion, and for practical problem solving.  They should avoid the words “never” and “always”.  If they want their complaints to be taken seriously by their spouses, then they should use the accurate, truthful and realistic expressions.  The words “always” and “'never” always moves the focus away from the real problem.  The unfairly blamed spouses will probably put the original problem aside and blame the conflicts of their relationships due to their spouses’ poor communication skills.

(5)     I have a good idea!  When they come to peace talks with a spirit of reconciliation and as they use the previous approaches, another important thing is that they have to make a decision to focus on finding a solution.  Instead of trying to accomplish their own thoughts, they need make some guidelines that both couple can agree upon in order to be freed from ongoing conflict of opinion and disappointment.

(6)     The true moment.  Problems that have given great hurt in the past and those that require complex solutions have the potential to show the worst of each other even during peace talks.  In this case, they must make a lot of effort to prevent the process of peace talks from being hindered.  In other words, rather than understanding each other in conversation, the more they share in the conversation, the more self-esteem manifests, the more they want to escape from the reality in a negative way about the problem, or even if they want to quit the conversation, they shouldn’t flee.  Instead, they should say ‘We made one inch progress today.  Maybe tomorrow it will be an inch further.  But before we resolve this problem, we'll never give up.’

(7)     Please, help us!  But what if the peace talks don’t help?  The next step is to seek advice from the trusted friends or the couples.  Here, “the trusted friends” doesn’t mean that their fiends come together just to gossip about their spouses.  It refers to those whom they really can trust and respect.  And they can have constructive conversation by asking them an advice about their behavior and not their spouses’ behavior.

(8)     Go and meet the experts.  What if they don’t have reliable relationship with their friends yet?  What if they don’t have friends whom they can share their things comfortably?  And what if their advice didn’t help?  If so, please go and see a counselor.