Uncomfortable grace
"No, what we are getting is something we desperately need, the uncomfortable grace of personal growth and change” [Paul David Tripp, "What did you Expect?"]
In this sinful world, when a sinner man marries a sinner woman, how can they not sin against God in their marriage relationship? But since the grace of God is abundant and overflowing in the midst of great sins (Rom. 5:20) the couple lives in God's grace. One of that graces is for the couple to forgive each other. They forgive each other from their heart, just as their heavenly Father has forgiven them (Mt. 18:35). Another grace of God is that the couple with many differences lives together as one flesh (Mk. 10:8). Without God's grace, the couple cannot live together with two different man and woman different in all aspects, such as different personality, different backgrounds, and different thinking and etc. But this grace of God is 'uncomfortable grace' to us. The reason why that grace is uncomfortable to us is because the couple who are married will be broken and be shaved a lot in making their family.
Usually we think that if two man and woman are similar in character, thinking, values, etc. (since they cannot be same) will live well together if they marry. And we think that if two people are so different, they will fight a lot if they get married, so it is better to meet with similar people and make a family. But why there are many conflicts and controversies between married couples even though they think that they are similar people in many ways? Why some of them even say that they are divorced because of their personality difference? How should the couple overcome each other's differences?
First, the couple must acknowledge the sovereignty of God in order to overcome each other's differences.
Here, the couple acknowledging God's sovereignty means that they acknowledge and accept that God the Creator made man and woman different, made him and his spouse different. The couple who acknowledges the sovereignty of God acknowledges and accepts each other’s differences. Moreover, the couple who acknowledges the sovereignty of God not only humbly accepts God’s will in bringing one man and one woman to be one flesh, but also commits themselves in fulfilling the will of the God. Then what is God's will? One of the wills of God is that there is no division and conflict between the two man and woman and that they have equal concern for each other (1 Cor. 12:25). So if one of them suffers, another suffers with him/her; if one of them is honored, another rejoices with him/her (v. 26). Therefore, the couple who acknowledges the sovereignty of God takes care of each other by filling and helping each other's shortages and weaknesses regarding their differences instead of keep on fighting.
Second, the couple should refuse to view each other’s differences as right and wrong in order to overcome each other’s differences.
Here, the couple refusing to view each other’s differences as right and wrong means that they are not ignoring the moral right and wrong, but are refusing to think and to say that their difference is right and wrong. The reason is that God the Creator made each of the couple in sovereignty. And because God is the God who unifies in the diversity, the couple must acknowledge each other’s differences. To acknowledge each other's differences doesn’t mean that the couple is sitting down on the judgment seat and say, 'I am right and you are wrong'. It is arrogance. And it is only to show each other's self-righteousness. Rather, the couple who acknowledges their differences believe that God made them in his image (Gen 1:27; Jam. 3:9) and that they are fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps. 139:14). And they humbly accept that the Creator God not only made man and woman different in his sovereignty, but also made no one exactly same in this world. Therefore, they don’t see each other as right and wrong, but acknowledges each other’s difference as they look at each other from God's perspective. And they are committed to keep the unity of one flesh in the midst of the diversity.
Third, the couple must appreciate and respect each other's differences in order to overcome each other's differences.
Here, the reason why the couple s appreciates each other's differences is because God has made one flesh through their differences. The couple who believes and experiences this also experiences God making them complementary to each other through their differences. In the process of this experience, the role of the couple is to objectively grasp the things that make them to fight and be in conflict through their differences. In the meantime, they should ask God why God has made two different people to come together in the Lord as one flesh and struggle with it. In order to do that, they should look their differences in God’s perspective rather than in their own perspective. When they do that, they will realize why God has made them as one flesh even though they are (very) different. Surely there is God's will. The Holy Spirit will make them realize His will. The couple’s duty is to humbly join in the work of God in keeping the unity of the couple by complementing each other and by looking after each other without disputes. They must try their best to keep the unity of the husband and the wife. They also must try their best to respect each other's differences. The reason is because the Creator God loves them and considers them precious and they are honored in God’s sight (Isa. 43:4). The couple should love each other with the love of God, consider each other precious and honor each other. Also, they should respect each other’s differences and even honor them. Therefore, they should complement each other through mutual differences and build each other up and grow together.
I remember the words, "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another" (Prov. 27:17). In order for the iron to sharpen another iron, the irons must hit each other well. So the couple must fight well in the Lord in order to sharpen each other. The couple who fights well in the Lord acknowledges God's sovereignty and accept each other differences. And rather than say to each other “I am right and you are wrong,” they say “We are just different” and make the difference as an opportunity for their mutual change and growth. They make each other's differences to complement each other so that their relationship grows more toward perfection in the Lord. Therefore, they appreciate and respect each other's differences. This is an uncomfortable grace of the individual's growth and transformation that the couple desperately needs.