Duties of the couple
(1 Corinthians 7:1-7)
What do you think about marriage? Should single men and women get marry or not? Job portal Korea surveyed 633 male and female office workers and found that 50.2% of unmarried workers said it didn’t matter whether they get married or not (Internet). When I think about the fact that the single female answered like this more than the single male tells me that the single women don’t want to be restrained by marriage since they have jobs and they are financially independent. I want to share with you an article that talks about four groups of young generations nowadays how they look at marriage (Internet):
(1) The first group is ‘Marriage fantasy group.’ The young people in this group are naïve, thinking and dreaming a marriage like a sweet romance of a handsome man and a pretty woman in a Hollywood movie or a TV drama.
(2) The second group is ‘Marriage ignorance group.’ In contrast to the marriage fantasy young people, the young people in the marriage ignorance group seem to enjoy their single life, focusing on self-fulfillment and career pursuits, as if they are not interested in marriage. But that doesn’t mean that they completely gave up getting married.
(3) The third group is ‘Marriage escape group.’ The young people in this group are people who are caught up in the negative conception of marriage and family because of wounds in their childhood during their growth in a family that lacks love.
(4) The fourth group is ‘Marriage overtaking group.’ The young people in this group are the most problematic young people among all the groups, who deny the sacred of marriage and family, pursuing pleasure and temporary desires and ignore all the responsibilities involved in sexual relations.
Each has a variety of shapes, but their common feature is that they are looking at marriage based on personal experience and wrong prejudices in the world, without the correct understanding of marriage. One of those misguided prejudices is "Marriage is a grave." Do you think marriage is a grave? My answer is “Yes” because when a man and a woman are married, they have many points to die. If I think another way, if I hear the question “Do you think marriage is a grave?” I would say “Yes” because “I believe in the resurrection.” The reason is because I think that in marriage the couple should not only die to many things but also to be more alive of things that supposed to be.
If you think you should marry, why should you? Rev. John MacArthur talks about five reasons that you should get married (MacArthur):
(1) The first reason is "procreation." After God made Adam and Eve, He commanded them to be fruitful and increase in number (Gen. 1:28). God wants us to multiply.
(2) The second reason is "pleasure." Marriage is for pleasure. This is what Proverbs 5:18-19 says: “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer-- may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.” And we see in the Song of Songs that married couples are physically attracted to each other and enjoy the love for each other.
(3) The third reason is "partnership". Marriage is that the couple is in company with each other. The woman was created to be a helper suitable for the man (Gen. 2:18). And a very important component of good marriage is that husband and wife are friends.
(4) The fourth reason is "picture". In other words, marriage is a picture of the church. As Jesus has authority over the Church and loves the Church, the husband must have authority over his wife and love his wife (Eph. 5:23-32).
(5) The final and fifth reason is "purity". In other words, marriage is for purity. That is, marriage protects couples from sexual immorality.
In 1 Corinthian 7:2, this is what Apostle Paul said to the saints in the Corinthian church: “But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.” What does this mean? Paul encouraged the Corinthian church believers to marry, in order for them not to commit sexual immorality to God. Of course, the purpose of marriage is not only to prevent for the couple from committing sexual immorality. But the reality is that for young single Christians, there are so many sexual temptations, that the man should have his wife and the woman should have her husband in order not to sin against God. So, Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:1, “Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman.” Perhaps the Corinthian saints had many questions about marriage, so they wrote to Paul and asked questions. So Paul said, “Now concerning the things about which you wrote” (v. 1). And Paul responds to their questions by saying, “it is good for a man not to touch a woman” (v. 1). Here “it is good for a man not to touch a woman” is a Jewish euphemism and what Paul is saying is those who are not married should not have sexual relations before marriage. And in 1 Corinthians 7:3, Paul tells the saints in the Corinthian church: “The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband.” Based on this Word of God, I would like to meditated on 1 Corinthians 7:1-7, under the heading “Duties of the couple” and humbly receive the lessons that God is giving us.
What are the duties of the married couple that the Bible teaches us? One of the books I have ever read about marital duties is the book "Reformed Marriage," written by a pastor named Douglas Wilson. In this book, the author lists the six husband's duties and the seven wife's duties. Here are six biblical duties of the husband (Wilson):
(1) The first duty is that a husband must always remember that as a husband he is a living picture of the Lord Jesus. He must speak truthfully. Depending on how he treats his wife, we can see whether he speak truthfully about Christ or not.
(2) The second duty is that the husband should nurture and protect his wife in the same way he cares for his own body (Eph. 5:29). If he does not take care of his wife especially and softly but expects her to bear fruit and to be lovely, he is not a true husband.
(3) The third duty is that the husband must be jealous and protective (Exod. 34:14b). He must have godly jealousy. But his jealousy should not be mixed with sin.
(4) The fourth duty is that the husband must supply his wife with what she needs (Ex 21:10-11). He is responsible for providing the money she needs to go to marker. If he cannot fulfill her need, then it is like denying Christ (1 Tim. 5:8). He also must fulfill his wife's sexual needs (1 Cor. 7:3-4).
(5) The fifth duty is that the husband must be satisfied with his wife (Prov. 5:15-19). He must avoid comparing his wife with other women in every way.
(6) The sixth duty is that the husband's continued responsibility is to reassess and acknowledge his wife's dedication (Num. 30:13-15). The Holy Spirit-filled husband is faithful to his biblical duties and glorifies God.
One of the six husbands' duties is that the husband must supply his wife with what she needs. He is responsible for providing the money she needs to go to market. And yet another important duty of the husband in relation to 1 Corinthians 7:1-7 is that he must fulfill the sexual needs of his beloved wife (1 Cor. 7:3-4). Some of the men might be wondering about this duty. This is mainly because they may think that only the men have sexual needs. But what the husbands need to know is that their wives also have the sexual needs, and they have duty to fill that needs for their wives. Then what are the duties of the wife? Pastor Douglas Wilson speaks in seven ways (Wilson):
(1) The first duty is that the wife must respect her husband (Eph. 5:22, 33). Here, respect is accompanied by "honor" and "obedience."
(2) The second duty is that the wife must give birth in the providence of God (1 Tim. 2:15). And she should raise her children and take care of them gently (1 Thess. 2:7).
(3) The third duty is that the wife must be diligent in the house (1 Tim. 2:3-5). The young women not only do the house work, but also they must be productive at home. If the woman is competent, her industry will take her out of the house in time (Prov. 31:10-31). But the house must be her first priority.
(4) The fourth duty is that the wife must satisfy her husband's sexual needs (1 Cor. 7:2-5).
(5) The fifth duty is that the wife must be careful not to nag and to argue with her husband (Prov. 19: 13b; 27:15-16). The women must help their husbands by using the power of their tongues.
(6) The sixth duty is that the wife must become a disciple of her husband. The husband must educate and teach his wife (1 Cor. 14:34-35).
(7) The seventh duty is that the Christian wife must work hard on charity (1 Tim. 5:9-10).
What do you think of the six duties of the husband and the seven duties of the wife listed by Pastor Douglas Wilson? When I think about these duties in connection with 1 Corinthians 7:1-7, I think we should not ignore the importance of the wife’s fourth duty to her husband. In other words, we should not take it lightly or ignore both the husband and wife’s obligation to meet each other’s sexual needs. The reason for this is that in 1 Corinthians 7:1-7, what Paul said about the couple's obligation is to fulfill each other's sexual needs.
Look at 1 Corinthians 7:3 – “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.” Paul didn’t say to the Corinthian husbands “duties” to their wives, but “duty.” The reason why Paul used the word “duty” in singular was because he had a specific duty in his mind. And that specific duty is for both the husband and the wife is to fulfill each other's sexual needs. This is not only the couple’s privilege and joy but also their responsibility (MacArthur). In order to fulfill that responsibility, there is one thing that the husband and the wife should know. That one thing is that in fulfilling their responsibility to meet each other's sexual needs, their bodies are not their own only but their spouses’ as well. Look at verse 4: “The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.” What does it mean? It means that when the couple marries, they cannot do whatever they want with their own bodies. Rather, if they are married, their bodies belong to each other. Why did Paul say like this to the Corinthian church saints? The reason was because some of them had false belief in pursuing the physical purity. And that false belief was that they are spiritually superior if they were being ascetic, not marrying and not having sex. So with this false belief some of the Corinthian church saints were avoiding marital sex in their marriage (MacArthur). What a sad reality? Even now, many couples with this wrong belief claim their bodies as they own in their sexual relations and avoid marital sex. Especially, they don’t yield their bodies to their spouse in the dedication and effort to satisfy their spouse’s sexual desire. But even more serious problem is that many couples are depriving one another now. Although the Bible says “Stop depriving one another” (v. 5), many Christians are disobeying this Word of God. They are using separate bedrooms. Why is that?
One of the consulting experts of the couple talked about why the husband and the wife are using the separate bedroom according to their age (Internet):
(1) The reason why the couple in their 20’s uses the separate bedroom is because ‘the husband's nasty sleeping habit.’ So the wife is so sick of the night that she uses a different room. I think this applies not only to the couples in their twenties, but it also applies to those who are sensitive in any ages. If they are sensitive and if their spouse snore at night, or keep on moving around on their beds or even accidentally hit your spouse with your arms or something, then I am sure they want to use the separate bedrooms.
(2) The reason why the couple in their 30’s uses the separate bedroom is because ‘when a child is born, the wife is a child room, and the husband is a main room.’ I personally think that it is not desirable for the husband and the wife use the separate room because of a baby or the husband to sleep alone in the main room and his wife sleep with their children in the children’s room because the husband has to go to work next day. Of course, it is true that in the early days of child-rearing, when a baby sleeps in the main room with the couple, the couple cannot sleep well. That’s why the husband usually sleeps in a separate room so that he can have enough sleep and go to work next day. But I don’t think that’s good reason for the couple to sleep in the separate rooms.
(3) The reason why the couple in their 40’s uses the separate room is because ‘the wife has to help her son for college exams and the husband is behind.’
When a baby is born in her 30’s and she focuses on her baby, then it is easy for her to become the child-oriented instead of her husband-oriented. As a result, the couple’s relation will be distanced. Although the marital relationship is a priority, the children have become a priority for the wife. As a result, the couple uses the separate rooms for sleeping. I don’t this is desirable. I am not sure what are some reasons why the couple in their 50’s and above use the separate rooms since the internet article doesn’t mention about it. But I think the reasons are probably similar. What is important here is what the Bible says. In other words, what is important is what does the Bible says about using the separate rooms. In 1 Corinthians 7:5, the Bible says that there is only one reason for the couple to use the separate rooms that is “so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.” In other words, the reason why the couple can use separate rooms by mutual consent is to pray to God. However, the Bible doesn’t say how long the couple can use the separate rooms. I am not sure if the husband says that he wants to fast for 40 days, then it is okay for him and his wife to use the separate rooms. The important thing is that couple must agree on each other. If the husband says that he wants to pray for 40 days and thus he wants use the separate room, he should not use the room separately if his wife has not agreed. If the husband says, "I will go to prayer mountain and pray there," I think it’s not desirable if his wife disagree with him. The couple shouldn’t decide the period of using separate room without mutual consent. The Bible says that the couple should have mutual consent to use the separate room “for a while” and then “come together again” (v. 5). What is the reason? Look at 1 Corinthians 7:5 – “Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” The reason why the couple can use the separate room by mutual consent for a while and then should come together again is “so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” This is why the couple should sleep together in the same room.
I personally don’t think that it’s only the man’s or the woman’s fault who has sexual relations with other woman or man outside of their marriage by being tempted by Satan. For example, I think that there is a problem not only with the man or the woman who has affair but also his or her spouse as well. Of course, the problem is obvious that it’s his or her fault who has affair. But I think that it may also has to do with his wife or her husband who has not fulfill her or his duty in fulfilling her husband’s or his wife’s sexual needs. For example, if the husband often wants to have sexual relations with his wife at night, but what if his wife keeps avoiding him and doesn’t fulfill his sexual needs? I am sure from the woman’s point of view, she may say ‘I am not his sex toy.’ The point is that when the couple doesn’t faithfully fulfill their sexual obligations toward each other, the consequences can be having affair outside of their marriage. That’s why Apostle Paul encouraged the married couples to fulfill their marital duty in fulfilling each other’s sexual needs.
According to an internet article that I read before, there is serious sexual conflict among the elderly couple in Korea (Internet). The population health welfare association analyzed 2421 cases of sex consultation that were received in 13 counseling centers in Seoul, Incheon, and Chungbuk in 2010, and the number of inquiries related to 'couples sexual conflict' was 473 which was 19.5%. The causes of sexual conflicts were various, including lack of understanding about the physical and psychological changes of the other party, complaints accumulated from the past, economic problems, male patriarchal attitudes. There were various differences in opinion regarding the marital sexual conflicts according to the sex and age. In the case of a male elderly man, his wife’s refusal when he ask for sex, and the elderly women were concerned about her husband’s excessive sexual needs. In short, the husband has a strong desire to have sex, but his wife does not. That’s why so many couples, whether old or young couples, are in are in a crisis called "sexless" (Internet). Here, the "sexless" refers to having a sex less than once or not at all within past two months. The problem is that in these days the sexless phenomenon is spreading to the newly married couple in their 20’s. And the divorce rate due to sexless marital relations is increasing day by day. According to some divorce lawyers and family court coordinators say that 70-80% of the divorce crisis is sexless. In 2010, the main reason for the divorce (50,780 cases) was personality differences and the third reason was spousal unfaithfulness’s sexless (10,351 cases). Personality difference is interpreted as 'sexual difference'. It means that the couples end up with divorce after going through disagreement and conflict due to sexless, having affair and separation. In this reality, we Christians should be faithful to the couples' duty in fulfilling our duties by receiving a lesson from 1 Corinthians 7:1-7. Of course, it is God's gift not to be married like Apostle Paul, but since we are not all given the same gift from God (v. 7), we the married couples must faithfully and wisely fulfill our duty in fulfilling each other’s sexual needs. Therefore, we should not let Satan to tempt us (v. 5).