A wise wife
A wise wife (1)
Is your couple relationship really okay now? Dr. Kim Byung-hoo, who is the Korea's best marriage conflict expert, has ‘Twelve questions to check the divorce crises’ in the article "Married couple clinic arranged in 10 years"
(1) I don’t feel happiness in my marriage,
(2) It is more comfortable for me to be alone than to be with my spouse,
(3) I don’t want to talk or interfere,
(4) There is no feeling of being understood or loved,
(5) When my spouse blames and attack my personality, it is painful,
(6) It is difficult to bear when my spouse to things only in his or her own way,
(7) I cannot tolerate in my mind my spouse’s actions towards my parents,
(8) My spouse doesn’t know his/her problem. If he/she knows, he/she will not fix it or cannot fix it.
(9) There aren’t many people who get unjust treatment like me,
(10) I cannot but live with my spouse because of my kids,
(11) I don’t feel respected or loved when I have sex with my spouse. And I feel that my spouse ignores the value that is related to me compared to my spouse’ value.
Do you have anything among these twelve questions that apply to your marital relationship? If so, what should we do to maintain the spark between the couple in this crisis? Pastor Lee Dong-won suggests the five things in his book ‘The New Family Acts’:
(1) The couple must have clear goal consciousness regarding their marriage. In other words, they must have a higher goal that marriage. In fact, the couple should have the divine calling of their marriage.
(2) The couple must fulfill their biblical responsibilities.
(3) The couple's conversation should be easygoing.
(4) There must be proper management of money.
(5) The couple must prevent external factors that threaten their marriage.
I want to think about the second element, the biblical responsibilities, among these five things that is needed to maintain the spark between the couple. Among those responsibilities, I would like to think of only one of the two responsibilities of a wise wife, centered on the Bible today.
First, the biblical responsibility of the wise wife is to obey her husband. In other words, the wise wife submits to her husband.
Look at Ephesians 5:22 and Colossians 3:18 and 1 Peter 3:1a and 1:5 – “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord” (Eph. 5:22), “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord” (Col. 3:18), “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands … For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands” (1 Pet. 3:1a, 5). Nowadays, many women seem to be busy nagging at their husbands instead of obeying them. I want to share a story: When a prisoner who escaped from the prison in the middle of the day was asked by the TV reporters what was the motivation of surrendering himself to the police that same night. The prisoner said, ‘When I went home and opened a door slowly to see my wife, she said ‘Where have you been for eight hours after you escaped?’ and began to nag me. At that moment, I thought it’s better to go back to the prison so I came back (Internet). Of course, all the wives are not going to nag their husbands like this. Some wives often don’t say what they really mean when they nag their husbands. For example, ‘Do as you will’ (means ‘Now you know what I want’), ‘Do what you want!’ (means ‘Be prepare to die’), ‘Let’s talk’ (means ‘I have complaints’), ‘Of course, you can do like that’ (means ‘If you do that …’), ‘I am not angry’ (means ‘Can’t you see I am angry?’), ‘The kitchen is too uncomfortable’ (means ‘We need a new house’), ‘Honey, do you love me?’ (means ‘I really want a very expensive things’) (Internet). But the Bible doesn’t say, 'Wives, nag your husband.' Rather, the Bible says, 'Wives, submit to your husbands.' I agree with what Douglas Wilson said in his book "Reforming Marriage": ‘A wife submits to her husband, not to any men. Therefore, a devout woman draws a clear line of whom to submit’ (Wilson). I agree. The claim that a woman should obey all men is wrong. When God made a woman Eve, she was created to be submissive only to her husband Adam and to fill and help his needs and not to be submissive to all other men. Then why should a wife be submissive to her husband? There are three reasons for this:
(1) The first reason is that the husband is the head of the wife.
Look at Ephesians 5:23 – “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.” This passage teaches the position of the husband at home. And that position is that the husband is the head of the wife. This verse also implies that the husband’s position at home should be clear so that there is order in the family. When the wife knows her husband’s position at home and acknowledges that he is the head, this will keep his pride. This is one of the important responsibilities for the wife. There is a survey in Pastor Lee Dong-won’s book “New Family Acts”. According to that survey, the first of the five things that the man needs the most from his wife is self-esteem. The wise wife acknowledges her husband’s position which is the head and the leader of the family and is submissive to him. By doing so, she build up his self-esteem.
(2) The second reason is that it is fitting in the Lord for the wife to be submissive to her husband.
Look at Colossians 3:18 – “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.” Our God is not the God of disorder but of peace (1 Cor. 14:33). Therefore, there is peace and not disorder in the family that the Lord builds. And there is order in the family that has peace. In order to maintain the order, each of the family members must bear their biblical responsibilities faithfully and humbly. And wife’s responsibility in the family is to be submissive to her husband. The Bible says this is fitting in the Lord. This is the duty of the wife. In the family system which the Lord has established, it is fitting in the Lord for the wife to be submissive to her husband.
(3) The third reason is to win an unbelieving husband.
Look at 1 Peter 3:1 – “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.” I think many women believers who have the unbelieving husbands are very devoted to the church but are neglecting their home duties. They may be good examples in their churches but not in their homes. They lost the balance in their Christian lives. What should they do? The wise wife is a good example both in her home and in her church. She is submissive to her unbelieving husband as to the Lord and be an good example to her family. This is what Dr. Park Yun-sun said: ‘An unbelieving husband can be converted by seeing his wife’s divine virtues and by understanding the truthfulness of the gospel. That is preaching the gospel of God in practice. If our preaching the gospel doesn’t go with our good life, than it is powerless’ (Park). The wise wife doesn’t only talk about the gospel. She doesn’t just say to her unbeliever husband, 'Let's go to church.' Rather, she shows the truthfulness of the gospel by being submissive to her husband as to the Lord. She shows Jesus Christ in and through her life. Therefore, the Lord uses her to save her unbeliever husband as well.
How should the wife submit to her husband? The Bible teaches us two things:
(1) The wise wife must obey her husband as to the Lord.
Look at Ephesians 5:22 and 5:24: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. … Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” Why should the wife be submissive to her husband as to the Lord? The reason is because "the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church" (v. 23). Here, the word "husband" means "Baal" or "master" in Hebrew and "lord" or "man above" in Greek. And in English, “husband” is a word with this Hebrew and Greek meaning. In other words, the husband is a gentle lord and he cares for his family. Look at the Peter's teachings. This is what he said in 1 Peter 3:1 – “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives.” Here, “in the same way” refers to obedience of the slaves to their masters (2:18). That’s why Sarah called her husband “lord” (or “master”) (3:6; Gen.18:12). The wise wife acknowledges her husband’s authority and is submissive to him, knowing that the Lord has set him up as the head of the household. And when she is submissive to her husband, she listens to him well. Actually the word “submission” is a combination of two words: "~ under" and "to listen well". Therefore, being submissive to the husband means she listens to her husband well as she acknowledges the Lord’s given authority to him (Lee Dong-won).
(2) The wise wife must submit to her husband as she fears Christ.
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Look at Ephesians 5:21 – “and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.” In humility, as Christ emptied Himself and was obedient to the point of death (Phil. 2:3, 7, 8), the wise wife imitates Jesus and obeys her husband as she fears the Lord. What should she obey her husband? Look at Ephesians 5:24 – “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” The wise wife submits to her husband in everything. What is the difference between a good wife and a bad wife? The good wife is the wise wife who satisfies her good husband while the bad wife silences her husband. A perfect wife never expects a perfect husband. The wise wife dominates her husband with obedience (Internet). May you become the wise wife who submits to your husband as you do to your Lord in fears of the Lord.