What woman wants (2)

            The second thing that the woman wants from her husband is "openness".

I remember visiting a pastor's house when I was in seminary.  I still remember what his wife said at that time: ‘We never had a fight.'  At that time I was a single and I couldn’t believe what she said to me.  How could the couple live without conflict.  But later I was surprised to hear that they really had a big fight in which her jaw bone came down.  However, there is one unforgettable lesson that I have learned because of their big fight at that time.  It was that the husband had to talk to his wife honestly and make a decision together.  In my memory, the pastor loved his wife in his own way, so since he didn’t want his wife to worry he bought a used car without talking to his wife.  The important thing is not that the couple argues and fights with each other but a woman wants to talk genuinely with her husband rather than him worrying alone.  The woman wants her husband to share his mind, thoughts and feelings with her frankly and specifically.  But many husbands do not understand this need of the women (Eggerichs).

                In his book, "Love & Respect", Dr. Eggerichs describes this difference between a man and a woman: The woman is 'expressive-responsive' and the man is 'compartmentalized'.  He says that this difference between man and woman is like two types of electrical circuits.  She is like electrical circuits that have 3,000 light bulbs in which if one light bulb breaks then all the rest of the bulbs are turned off.  So Dr. Eggerichs says the woman has an "integrated personality".  Unlike her, the man is like electrical circuits in which even 2,000 light bulbs break out of 3,000 light bulbs, 1,000 light bulbs are still working.  Listen to what Dr. Eggerich says:

‘In intimacy level, the wife is like the first circuit.  If there is serious conflict in marriage,

it affects all of her being.  All her light bulbs will be turned off and she will be completely

exhausted.  This is because she has an integrated personality.  Her body, mind and spirit

are connected and her whole system will respond to feelings of hurt.  If her husband expresses

one small thing that makes her feels unloved, then she becomes completely confused until

all of them are restored.’

This is a really interesting view.  The man divides the problems into two even though 2,000 of the 3,000 light bulbs are broken.  So even if there are some marital problems, he can compartmentalize those problems.  And he has power to distinguish those problems in his heart, even though he is deeply wounded.  On the other hand, the woman receives even one marital problem as integrated as whole like all 3,000 light bulbs are turned off even if one light bulb breaks.  As a result, she totally collapses.  The man does not understand this difference of the woman.  The reason is because with his own theoretical reason, he cannot understand this about the woman.  But the man should not try to understand her only theoretically.  He has to accept the woman's integrative nature and expressive-responsive aspect as it is and to learn about that aspect of his wife.

I personally laughed at this difference between man and woman as I was taking to my wife.  The reason I laughed was because my wife knew a bit about the meaning that the man is ‘compartmentalized’.  In the past, when we used to have conflicts, my wife expressed her feelings of frustration, anger and hate because she was expressive and responsive.  But I used to just look at her expressionlessly many times.  That doesn’t mean I was not hurt.  Even though my heart was wounded in my own way, I compartmentalized it in one corner of my mind and treated my wife with the remaining 1,000 bulbs that worked.  At that time, my wife couldn’t understand such aspect of me and looked at me strangely.  In her perspective, she couldn’t understand my response of not expressing my hurt but just looking at her without any expression because she was responding to her whole system which was being hurt by the conflict with me, like experiencing the phenomenon that all 3,000 light bulbs are turned off.  At that time of marital conflicts, it was difficult for both of us because we didn’t understand each other's differences.  But now when we applied our little understanding of the difference between men and women that we got through Dr. Eggerich's book to our marital relations, we could not help but laughed at our differences. haha.  We have been able to laugh because God has given us the ability to recognize, understand, and embrace our differences in our marriage.

            Nowadays, I have not been able to talk to my wife about man and woman’s differences after reading books about marital relationship.  However, as we are more aware of each other’s differences than before, we are approaching each other by acknowledging our differences more than before.  The point that they are getting closer together is that not only that we are open to each other’s differences but we open our hearts to each other and talk about them.  My wife usually tells me what she experiences and feels about what has happened at her work when she comes home and I try to listen and to react like to her.  When I share about my thoughts, concerns and struggles about my pastoral ministry, my wife listens and tries to encourage me.   Before I tried not to share my struggles with her because I didn’t want her to go through what I was going through.  That was my way of loving her.  But after I learned that one of the way to love my wife is to open my heart and share even my struggles with her, I try to open my heart and share my own struggles genuinely with her.  We usually talk to each other about what happened during the day at the end of the day when we come home and have dinner and before we go to sleep.  I think one of the things we need to do more is that we need to have more wisdom and heart to heart conversation.  In other words, we must communicate truthfully and wisely in order to glorify God.  The reason I think this way is because when we have conversation there is danger where we forget to look at ourselves before God when we share our feelings and thoughts truthfully.  I think honest conversation is good, but if that honest conversation is not right before God then it is against the truth.  So I think that in our conversation, we need to control what we say to each other.  And I think this is my responsibility as a husband.  I need to lead the conversation with my wife wisely so that our honest conversation may not cross over the boundary.  Therefore, the couple’s conversation should be truthful and at the same time should glorify God.