What Woman Wants

What woman wants (1)

             The first thing a woman wants from her husband is "Closeness."

                In Genesis 2:24, the Bible says, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh "  Here, the word ‘unite’ is “union” in Hebrew concept that means ‘stick to, hold onto, or maintain intimacy’ [Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, “Love & Respect”].  The fact that the couple is united means intimacy, both spiritually and emotionally.  This intimacy is especially important in the first year after marriage.  In other words, when a man and a woman are married in the Lord and become one flesh, the first year should be dedicated to the intimacy of the couple.  In order to do so, we cannot ignore the environmental factors.  In other words, if the couple lives with their parents or if the couple is working late, they will not have enough time for each other and thus they will have hard time for intimacy.  So in Deuteronomy 24: 5, the Bible says: “If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.”  It is a very interesting word.  This is the word to a newlywed couple, saying that a recently married man should not be sent to war or have any other duty, but rather stay home for a year and bring happiness to his wife.  Like this word says, the newlywed couple must spend their time together as much as they can during the first year of their marriage, seeking the intimacy of the couple.  The year of marriage is the year of fundamental (Eggerichs).

                My wife and I spent the first year of marriage with just two of us almost once every week near Santa Monica Beach.  Before we got married, my wife saw movie only once a year.  But after we got married, we went to see a movie almost twice a month in our first year of marriage.  Of course, it is important for the couple to spend a lot of time together in the first year of their marriage.  But it is more important for them to spend the qualitative time together.  In my memory, I spent a lot of time with my wife for a year after we got married, and I believe it was quality time as well for both of us.  The reason I think this way is because God used me to wrap up my wife’s wounds from the church she went before we got married.  When my wife opened her heart and shared her story of that church, I tried to listen to her actively in order to understand her wounds.  And I am still thankful that we were able to have heart to heart conversation.  Looking back now, I wonder what we would have been if my wife had been married without any hurt.  At that time, I thought that a single man and a single woman must have healthy self for healthy marriage.  That was why I thought that if there is any wound in their hearts, it is better to be healed in the Lord before marriage.  But looking back now, I cannot help but acknowledge the sovereignty of God because God used my wife’s wound as a good opportunity for us to open each other’s hearts and to be connected with each other.  Our God is a good God who works for the good in all things (Rom. 8:28).

It may be a luxury to the modern dual-income couple to spend the first year of marriage like us in some ways.  It’s because when they work until late and come home, they cannot have much time together.  However, I believe that the couple can spend qualitative time together even if they have little time together.  Although it may not be easy, I believe that it is possible especially if a man devotes himself to pursuing intimacy with his wife.  How can it be done? 

(1)   First, each couple should sincerely pursue intimate fellowship with God.  

The reason is because if the husband and the wife neglect the intimate fellowship with God, they cannot have proper intimate fellowship with God.  Especially, the husband should devote more effort to seek God's intimate fellowship than his wife.  By doing so, he will nurture his wife well as her spiritual leader and will be a stepping stone between his wife and the Lord in pursuing intimate fellowship with the Lord.  

(2)   Second, the couple should pursue a "heart to heart conversation" steadily in order to pursue intimacy.

The couple has to approach each other with an open heart.  And they must open our heart to each other and communicate with each other with a sincere heart and an honest heart.  Also they should seek transparency when they open their hearts and talk to each other even though they are likely to be hurt by each other.  Of course, there is a real sense of intimacy that only God and I know, so the couple should maintain a reasonable distance in the marriage.  But within that boundary, the couple should try to have an honest and truthful conversation with transparency.  I think this is more difficult for a man than a woman can imagine.  The reason is because the woman likes such conversation, but the man is not familiar with it at all.  So when the wife tries to make this kind of conversation before or after a meal, her husband may be silent or seems to be not listening to her words, or he may seem he does not want to talk to her.  This is because it is awkward for him to talk and have that kind of conversation.  So, from the woman's point of view, it's like talking on the wall.  So even though she tries to have intimate conversation with her husband, she gives up.  Of course, the woman should also try to understand such aspects of man.  She also has to learn why the man is trying not to have an intimate conversation like her.  But considering the woman who wants intimacy, the man has responsibility to give her connection and his involvement (Eggerichs).

(3)     Third, the couple need to learn each other’s needs through heart to heart conversation and satisfy them in order for the couple to pursue intimacy.

Here I would like to focus on the wife's needs rather than the husband’s needs.  When I was serving the newly wedded couple group at Seohyun Church in Korea, I gave the homework to the all the couples in the group.  I encouraged them to spend time with each other and to talk about their needs in five ways.  So I went home and talked to my wife in order to do the homework ourselves too.  I shared my five needs to my wife and she shared her five needs to me.  What I still remember is that my wife’s first need was (and I am sure still is) “appreciation.”  At that time, I was surprised to hear this from my wife.  But I had no excuse.  It was a time of genuine conversation that made me to realize that I was stingy in showing appreciation to my wife.  The husband has to work hard to find the needs of his wife and devote himself in fulfilling those needs.  When he does so, he will be able to give her the intimacy she wants.

                In addition, I am sure there are many things the husband should try to give his wife what she needs in order to build intimacy.  But I know that the husband will not be able to do all that well for his wife and for intimacy.  But what the husband should know is that his wife does not want the perfect husband who knows everything.  Her husband's dedication in finding out the intimacy she wants and trying to give her intimacy will be encouraging to her.  The reason is that she will feel love through such a dedication of her husband.