The Holy Spirit-filled husband (2)
The husband who is devoted to the Lord-centered marital relationship first comes close to the Lord and has intimate fellowship with the Lord. And he naturally loves his wife, whom he loves, with the great love and grace of God which he enjoys abundantly in such intimate fellowship with the Lord (Eph. 5:25). The loving husband who is filled with the Holy Spirit not only treats his wife with respect (1 Pet. 3:7) but also loves her sacrificially with clear purpose (Eph. 5:25). And the twofold purpose is to sanctify his wife (Eph. 5:26) and to present her to the Lord as a radiant wife (v. 27). So he teaches his wife to keep the word of God (Mt. 28:20). In other word, the Holy Spirit-filled husband makes his wife Jesus’ disciple so that she can manifest His glory. Not only that, he also nourishes his children with the Word of God and makes them Jesus’ disciples (Eph. 6:4). The reason why the Holy Spirit-filled husband loves his wife is because they are one flesh (5:31).
Second, the Holy Spirit-filled husband does not harass with his wife.
Look at Colossians 3:19b – “…do not be harsh with them.” When does the wife suffer because of her husband? In the book “You Just Don’t Understand”, Deborah Tannen talks about eight things:
(1) When my husband does not respond to my pain
(2) When my husband suggests a solution when I complain to him about my pain or tries to comfort me by saying it’s not a big deal what I am going through
(3) When my husband makes his own decision without consulting with me
(4) When my husband does not talk to me at all even though he has so many stories to tell other people (my husband's silence)
(5) When my husband complains to me when I talk to my friend(s) inquisitively
(6) When my husband lectures me
(7) When my husband does other things without hearing my word, and
(8) When I think that my husband uses me
When the following actions of the husband continue, the wife begins to feel that her husband is someone else (Internet):
(1) When he works hard for his own parents but is indifferent of my own parents’ work
(2) When he decides important matter without discussing with me
(3) When he only sleep at home
(4) When he says ‘Why don’t you just to a pharmacy and buy a medicine?’ when I am sick
(5) When he is indifferent to our children
(6) When he is irresponsive to my change
(7) When he goes out alone on a holiday
(8) When he doesn’t remember our wedding anniversary or my birthday, and
(9) When he turns his body and says ‘I'm too tired now’
Dr. John Gottman, a professor of psychology at the University of Washington, has been researching what marriages have improved and which marriages have deteriorated over the past two decades, and proposed four in order of dangerous things that afflict each other in marital conflict (Les Parrot 3 "Marriage"):
(1) First, criticism: When a husband complains about his wife's behavior and eventually criticizes his wife, this is harassing her. In other words, it is harassing that the husband attacks his wife's character, blames his wife and criticizes her.
(2) Second, contempt: According to Dr. Gottman, the difference between criticism and contempt is that contempt is intended to insult the spouse and to abuse the spouse psychologically. Contempt is touching the core of personality in order to shake the relationship from the bottom and cause suffering on the spouse. After all, it is to get rid of all the positive emotions toward each other. The most common form when the husband despises his wife is defamation of character, jokes that have hostility, and ridicule and so on.
(3) Third, defensive attitudes: When the husband takes a defensive attitude toward his wife, she can be distressed. In the end, the husband responds defensively to his wife in the belief that he is a victim and he thinks there is nothing wrong with that. This can make his wife feel worse. This kind of self-defensive attitudes has wrong victim mentality and can make himself to feel that he is righteous. So he can blame on his wife and can deny his own responsibility. This can make his wife to be in distressed.
(4) Last fourth, building a stone wall: The husband can build the stone wall and make his wise to be in distressed when he is tired and worn out in a conflict with his wife. In other words, he can torment his wife’s heart by building the stone wall with his wife and by starting to step back from his wife with his overwhelming feeling. Although he claims that he is trying not to make a problem worse with his wife with his words and by not making his facial expression hardened, avoiding eye contact, straightening his neck and so on, he doesn’t realize that building the stone wall makes her to be in distress.
Douglas Wilson describes six biblical duties of the husband in his book, "Reformed Marriage:
(1) The first duty is that a husband must always remember that as a husband he is a living picture of the Lord Jesus. He must speak truthfully. Depending on how he treats his wife, we can see whether he speak truthfully about Christ or not.
(2) The second duty is that the husband should nurture and protect his wife in the same way he cares for his own body (Eph. 5:29). If he does not take care of his wife especially and softly but expects her to bear fruit and to be lovely, he is not a true husband.
(3) The third duty is that the husband must be jealous and protective (Exod. 34:14b). He must have godly jealousy. But his jealousy should not be mixed with sin.
(4) The fourth duty is that the husband must supply his wife with what she needs (Ex 21:10-11). He is responsible for providing the money she needs to go to market. If he cannot fulfill her need, then it is like denying Christ (1 Tim. 5:8). He also must fulfill his wife's sexual needs (1 Cor. 7:3-4).
(5) The fifth duty is that the husband must be satisfied with his wife (Prov. 5:15-19). He must avoid comparing his wife with other women in every way.
(6) The sixth duty is that the husband's continued responsibility is to reassess and acknowledge his wife's dedication (Num. 30:13-15). The Holy Spirit-filled husband is faithful to his biblical duties and glorifies God.