Which church should I go to when I get married?
Do I have to go to the church where the groom was attending or should I go to the church where the bride was attending? One of the concerns of the Christian brothers and sisters in Christ who are about to get married is to choose a church to attend together after they get marry. Of course, if both of them are attending the same church, they can continue to go to that church even after they get marry. However, if they go to different churches and get marry, then it can be a matter of struggle in choosing which church to go to. Of course, if they do not want to struggle with it, they can decide together to go to a third church. But most people want to keep going to the same church. In the case of the bride, I am sure she wants her future husband to go to her church together after they get married. Especially if she has been in the church for a long time (and if she grew up in that church and her parents are also church officials) her desire and expectation of attending her church with him will be greater. So maybe she might expect her future husband to say to her ‘Let’s attend your church after we get marry.’ On the other hand, in the groom’s perspective, he may surely think that his bride will follow him and attend his church after they get marry. This thought will be strong especially if he has been attending that church for a long time and his parents are the church officials. In this situation, the prospective groom and the prospective bride can struggle a lot. Not only that, they can even disagree and ague. In particular, the stronger their view of faith, they will be more conflicting opinions and more conflicts. I am sure since they have strong faith, they will ask God. Then, if God also gives them the wisdom that he gave to King Solomon, they can divide in terms of attending churches like for two Sundays they can go to the groom’s church and another two Sundays they can go to the bride’s church. This is not serving two masters but just two churches but one Lord. Perhaps no couple will make decision like this. The reason is that it is not easy to see that as decision based on God's wisdom. Here they must think of the wisdom they seek of God. If the couple seeks God’s wisdom and God gives them (at least one of them) wisdom, he or she will fear God and seek God's will. And he or she will try to find God's will in the Word of God.
Then, what does the Word of God tell the couple which church to go after they are married? Let’s look at Deuteronomy 24:5 – “If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.” Long time ago, one of the elders in my church told me that we had to fit our first button well. At that time, I understand why he said as referring to his relationship with his wife. And I accepted his word and took it as a lesson that the beginning is important in marital relation. And I thought as if the first button was misplaced all the buttons below it would be misplaced, if the beginning of the marriage goes wrong, then the rest of the marriage can be unfortunate and unhappy. That’s how much the beginning of marriage is very important. Then, how should we spend the beginning of our marriage? In Deuteronomy 24:5, God specifically told the men of Israel that if they were recently married, they must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on them. What was the purpose? The purpose was to allow the men to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to their wives. But what about the reality? Of course, this cannot be literally applied in the present age. For example, most men now go to the army before marriage and there will not be many men going there as soon as they get married. Also, can a man now spend one year at home as soon as he gets married? It is practically impossible, and the new bride will not want her husband to do that either. The reason is that the most couples need to work in order to live. So how can the men stay home freely for a year without working? However, when I apply Deuteronomy 24:5 to newlyweds, it seems that a lot of husbands in the early days of their newly-married life are too busy. They are bustling because of work. They are so busy that they cannot even have much time with their wives, if not to make them happy. Those couples who both work are more difficult to spend time together. Since the wives are working too, it seems that the couples cannot even sit together and have dinner. And it seems that there are some weekend couples even though they are newly wedded couples. It is confusing whether the job exists for the family or the family exists for the job. We must know clearly that the job exists for the family, not other way around. The important thing is the family. And the most important relationship in the family is the marital relationship. That’s why God told the newly wedded husbands not to be sent to war or have any other duty laid on them for a year so that they were free to stay at home and bring happiness to their wives (Dt. 24:5). That’s how important the newly wedded marital relationship to God.
Then, based on the words of Deuteronomy 24:5 how can the prospective groom and bride decide which church to attend after they get marry? Here, I have thought of three principles. I hope and pray that these three principles will help those who need to decide which church to attend after they get marry.
First, the important principle in deciding which church to attend after getting married is that the happiness of the two (husband and wife) should be given priority.
When the Bible Deuteronomy 24:5 says that a recently married man to stay home for a year and bring happiness to the wife, it gives us the lesson that the newly wedded couple should put their marital relationship first and live happily. Therefore, in deciding the church where the prospective groom and the prospective bride will attend after they get married, the standard of the decision should be the happiness of the couple. This means that the couple should not prioritize they happiness of both of their parents over their happiness in deciding which church to attend after they get married. It is not to say ‘Since my parents are church officials, we should attend my parents’ church when I get married.’ Of course they should honor their parents and obey them. But they should obey their parents “in the Lord” (Eph. 6:1). The Bible says, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh” (5:31). But they are parents (especially mother?) who still cannot leave their grown up adult sons or daughters even after they got married. And there are lots of prospective grooms and/or brides who have been psychologically conditioned by their mothers. As a result, instead of thinking themselves first in deciding which church to attend, they think of their parents first. I do not think this is a good decision. I think the good decision is the couple to decide together which church to attend after they get married based on their own happiness which God wants.
The prospective groom and the bride must first think of their own happiness. God wants them to marry and live happily. Also, God wants them to be one flesh and enjoy each other in the Lord. Therefore, the prior standard in deciding which church to attend when the prospective groom and the prospective bride get married is their happiness and joy.
Second, the important principle in deciding which church to attend after getting married is that the groom can be free to stay at home for one year.
Of course, what the Bible Deuteronomy 24:5 says is that a man who has recently married must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him but for one year to be free to stay at home. But I applied this principle to the church. The reason is that if the prospective groom and the bride are married and go to the same church (whether it’s the church where the prospective groom used to go or the prospective bride used to go) where he used to serve (very diligently and passionately because he considered serving the Lord’s church as very important), he will continue to serve the church even after he gets married. How valuable and precious he devotion and service to the Lord’s church in the prospective groom’s perspective and the church members’ perspectives? But what if the prospective bride worries that she will have hard time adapting to her future husband’s church when he will continue to serve his church like when he was single? Then he should seriously pray to God and struggle with the decision that he already made in terms of the church and his service to the church. In particular, he should think in terms of his wife rather than in his position and in the position of the church people (even the position of the pastor). If she wants to sit with him and worship God together and wants to promote the progress of their faith in a newly wedded couple group but if he wants to keep on serving the church like when he was a single, then it is his responsibility when she has difficulties in adapting to her new church, that is his church. Of course, I am sure not every new bride may want it. No, even if she wants to, she can obey her husband by being patient with difficulty situation and let her husband to continue to serve in the church. Or other new bride may not be reluctant to serve in the church with her husband. I am sure each couple will be different. But if his wife keeps on having difficulties not only in adapting to his church and her faith is not progressing because he keeps on serving in the church, then he should think seriously. Of course, in the new groom’s perspective, he may want his wife to serve the church with him. But this may not be easy for her. The reason is because even though he is used to his own church, she is not. So the wise husband will not hasten but will let his wife to take time to adapt to the new church (from her perspective). And he will be patient and will help her to adjust to his church. Among the ways of helping her, he must first try to think his church "my new church" from his wife's point of view rather than "my church" from his point of view. To do that, he must lay down his own thoughts and get to know his wife's thoughts. And he must listen to her words in order to get to know her thoughts. He should not just listen to his wife's words lightly based on his thoughts and his standards.
My personal thought is that it is good for the newly wedded couple to think about which church to go in order to be free for a year. Of course this is not to say that they should choose a church that they do not have to serve. It means to choose a church in which they can worship God together, do bible study together, pray together and joint a small grow together so that they faith can grow together instead of focusing on serving. I think serving is not the priority but worshiping God together and promoting the progress of their faith together is. It is not too late to serve in the church again after a year (though a minister may not like it). The purpose of this is to seek and enjoy the happiness of the couple in the Lord by prioritizing the marital relationship from the beginning of marriage.
Third and last, the important principle in deciding which church to attend after getting married is that the new bride can spend happily for a year because of her husband.
The secret of the happiness of the couple, taught in Deuteronomy 24:5, is that the new groom does not have “any other duty laid on him” and for one year “he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife”. Here, “bringing happiness to the wife” means make her to be blessed and to rejoice in her (Prov. 5:18). How can he make her to be blessed and rejoice in her? I have found an answer in Colossians 3:19 – “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.” The secret is to love her. Then how can he love his wife so that she can be happy? There are three things we can think of:
(1) The newly wedded husband should treat his wife with respect.
Look at 1 Peter 3:7 – “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” The research of modern social science reveals that there are three basic things that a wife needs most in marriage. The first one is said to be treated as precious (to be understood and respected). The newly wedded husband should treat his wife with respect. In God’s sight she is precious and honored (Isa. 43:4). Then can her husband despise her, the precious and honored daughter of God
(2) The newly wedded husband should love his wife as he loves himself.
Look at Ephesians 5:28, 33a: “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. … However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself ….” Just as he cares for the needs of his own body, he should foster her growth and development by fulfilling her wife's needs. And he must love his wife with purpose. Its purpose is twofold: “to make her holy” (v. 26a) and to present her as a radiant wife (v. 27a). The method of achieving that purpose is written in Ephesians 5:26a - “… cleansing her by the washing with water through the word” and 1 Peter 1:22 – “Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart.” The newly wedded husband must teach the word of truth of God and obedience to the word of God to his wife, so that she may imitate the God’s holy life, which is separate from the world. Thus, he must nurture her to be the radiant wife before the Lord who manifests the Lord’s glory.
(3) The newly wedded husband should be able to sacrifice for his wife.
Look at Ephesians 5:25 – “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” The newly wedded husband must practice sacrificial love to his wife and the goal should be for the wife only, to take care of her, and not to expect to receive something in return. And he should be able to sacrifice from little things. For example, if he listens to his wife, spends time with her together, throws away garbage, goes to the kitchen and wash dishes, and show his wife a small amount of interest, she will feel greatly loved by him. The newly wedded husband should make his wife happy by loving her. Then what church can help the newly wedded husband make his wife happy? Is it a church that the newly wedding husband sacrificially loves and serves more than his wife? Will his wife be valued by her husband if she goes to such church? Will he be able to promote the growth and development of her faith by fulfilling her spiritual needs if they go to that church? Can he love his wife for biblical purpose? Will she be more holy and be honored as a radiant wife before Him? If she goes to the church with her husband, will they be able to learn the words of truth and obey them to clean their souls and to love one another deeply, from the heart? (1 Pet. 1:22). The church that the prospective groom and bride should attend together is the church in which he loves her so that she may feel and think that her husband values her, he loves her as himself and thus fulfill her spiritual needs, he loves her sacrificially and he loves me with the clear biblical purpose.
God wants the newlyweds to be happy. So God says, “If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married” (Dt. 24:5). However, it seems like some couples are unhappy rather than experiencing the feeling of happiness progressively because newly married couples do not choose their church to attend before marriage. Therefore, the prospective groom and the bride must choose the church to go together. In order to help those young couples to make the wise choice I have thought of three principles based on Deuteronomy 24:5. May God give the precious groom and bride precious grace.