The differences between men and women (6)

‘If a woman advises a man unilaterally, the man feels insulted ... A man likes to advise others and present solutions, but he doesn’t like an one-sided advice, especially the advice of a woman. ‘ ["Why Men Lie & Why Women Cry"]

A man tends to advise his woman quickly instead of trying to make her to feel that he is sympathizing with her by opening his heart and ears and actively listen to her when she shares her problems.  Why does he do that?  The reason is because the man thinks that she wants a solution when she talks about her problem (Pease).  Surely the reason why she opens up her heart to him is not because she wants the solution from him but rather for him to sympathize with her.  But because he listens to her from his own solution-oriented viewpoint, he is quick to suggest a solution rather than quick to listen to her.  Then she is frustrated when he does that.  She is frustrated when she sees a man who cannot even listen to her story properly.  And because she does not feel love from the man, she finally closes her heart and stops talking.  And she may not ask for any more sympathy from him.

           What about the woman?  It is not easy for the man to open his heart to the woman and talk about his problem.  But the woman does not seem to be aware of this fact.  The reason for this is because it is not difficult for her to tell her problem to others.  But the man is different.  It is really hard for him to open up his heart and talk to his girlfriend or his wife about his troubles or sorrows.  When he does so, it is because he really wants her comfort and encouragement.  Let's say that she gives an advice to him unilaterally after she has listened to him.  Then his pride really gets hurt.  The man tends to solve the problem himself, but because he cannot he opens his heart to his girlfriend or wife after he has struggled again and again.  But if she just gives him an advice without understanding his tendency, he does not want to open his heart anymore to her.  Of course, in her perspective, she advises him because she loves him so that she can be helpful to him even a little.  But that is only her opinion.  Sometimes the man wants his woman to just listen to him.  He wants her to take his story seriously.  She has to keep in mind that he does not want the solution from her.  She just needs to open her heart and listen to him.  She should keep in mind that he does not want any advice or solution.

                Some time ago, my heart was heavy and I opened my heart to my wife who followed me to the church office and shared my troubles.  At that time, rather than comforting me by listening to me to the end and sympathizing with me, not only that she gave me an advice but she also said that the cause of the problem was me instead of another person.  When I heard that, I really lost strength.  And I quickly closed my heart.  Then I did not speak any more to my wife.  Then I think my wife was uneasy when she saw me not speaking and being in silence.  Eventually, I told my wife that I wanted her to understand my heart, not the cause and solution of the problem.  When she heard this, she apologized to me.  And then we went home and tried to have conversation again.  At that time, my wife listened to me carefully.  And I said ‘Thank you’ to my wife for her advice.  It was because what she said was not wrong.

Advice should be carefully given whether a man gives to a woman or the woman gives to the man.  I am more and more realizing that I should not give an advice lightly.  But I have to, I should give advice to a wise man or woman because he or she will be wiser still.  But if I give advice to a fool, then he or she will hate me.  I think the best thing is to advise a person when the person wants advice from us.  Of course, we also need gentleness, wisdom and humility to give advice.  I think it’s best for the woman to advise the man when he asks for it.