The differences between men and women (5)

‘The woman's conversation is indirect speech and the man's conversation is direct speech.’ ["Why Men Lie & Why Women Cry"]

If someone asks me to choose one of the areas where a woman and a man are different, I would say “conversation method”.  When I first read the book, "Man from Mars, Woman from Venus", I first felt strongly that the conversation between men and women was very different.  As I was reading this book, especially a lot of examples of dialogues between men and women, I was surprised and suspicious of their differences on the one hand, and on the other I was little wonder about them.  In the meantime, when I met my wife and got married, we listened to the author of the book, Dr. John Gray, speaking in a seminar in my car and we both laughed.  But after we got married, there are many parts that we both felt the differences in our conversation and were able to sympathize with them.

At first I could not detect the indirect conversation method of my wife.  Then as I started talking to her I began to notice that my wife was using an indirect conversation method that was different from my own.  For example, when we went out to eat, I asked my wife what she wanted to eat.  Then she usually said ‘Should we eat Tofu?’ and couple of second later ‘How about Chinese food?’  Although I wanted her to tell me directly what she wanted to eat, I don’t think she ever expressed her thought directly to me.  Since she did not want to tell her thoughts directly to me, I had to wonder what she wanted to eat.  So I asked her again what she wanted to eat, but she still didn’t say directly. Haha.  I thought she didn’t tell me directly what she wanted to eat because she was considerate.  But later as I learned the difference between men and women through the books I have come to this thought that maybe she want me to know what she wants to eat even though she doesn’t tell me directly what she wants to eat.  The reason is because the woman tends the man to know what she wants.  But this is not a conversation that considers the man's position.  She must know that if she considers him she must learn his direct conversation method so that it may helpful to him for her to say directly what she wants.  In short, the woman should learn the man's way of conversation.  And she should try to use the man direct speech method for him.

                Then what is the responsibility of the man?  He should learn the woman’s indirect speech method.  He should not try to lead the conversation in a manly manner.  When he uses her indirect speech method, he must not lead her unconditionally as he wants, without being able to detect what she wants.  He should be sensitive to her feelings.  He must feel her emotion in her indirect speech, but especially in her body language.  To do so, he needs to put down his rational and logical thinking.   If he does not do it and listens to her in a logical way of thinking, then he will think about what she says in his own way, and almost cannot feel what she is trying to say and what she is feeling.  In order to feel what she feels and to know what she is talking about, he not only has to put down his logical thinking, but also needs to put down his solution-oriented mindset.  Of course, here I am not claiming that the man should put down his logical, solution-oriented mindset completely.  What I'm trying to say is that the man has to put down something he needs to put down in order to talk with the woman in heart to heart conversation.  And he must talk to her at the emotional level.  If he listens to her logically what she feels, the he will almost certainly say in his mind, ‘Why does she make a ridiculous sound?’  Also, when he listens to her talking about what she feels in solution-oriented way of thinking, then he will not listen to her until the end, and he will definitely present the solution to her.  And he thinks to himself that he does so because he loves her.

                I do not know how much the young couple can actually apply in their dating relationships if they learn in advance of these conversations skills.  But for sure it’s better for them to learn.  The man must learn the woman's indirect speech method, and the woman must learn the man's direct speech method.  If the couple does not try to learn each other's speech method, they will quarrel and will not be able to produce positive fruit in their relationship.  If they are able to perceive and learn from each other's speech method and create positive fruits that enable them to communicate in mutual positions, men and women will be able to enjoy the heart-to-heart conversation and experience God's presence in their dialogue.