The difference between men and women (3)
‘A woman chooses silence to punish a man, but a man loves silence’ ["Why Men Lie & Why Women Cry"]
The more I learn about the differences between men and women, the more I experience some true things in life. For example, a man is solving-oriented, so while he is listening to a woman in a conversation his brain is thinking about solving a problem and he is familiar with suggesting a solution rather than listening to a woman until she finishes talking. But the woman wants to make a bond with the man as she expects him to listen to her instead of giving solution. In this way the woman speaks to reinforce her bond with others. So from her point of view, a man's suggestion of a solution may seem to suggest that the man is right and that she lacks the ability to solve the problem. The woman can be dissatisfied with the man who keeps on saying words and does not let her speak to the end. Among the difference points of communication between men and women, I would like to think about the "silence".
As we know well, men like silence (even though women do not want to accept it). Why? What’s a reason that men like silence? According to Barbara and Allan Pease, in their book “Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Rad Maps”, when women are inside caves, and when men go out hunting, the men had to be silence in approaching the target animal so that the animal doesn’t run away. It is a little funny, but seems to make sense little bit. In addition, while a woman's brain can speak 6,000 to 8,000 words a day, a man can only speak 2,000 to 4,000 words a day, and we can see why men are more silent than women (Pease). If that is one of the reasons why the men are silent, how about the women? Why are the women silent? According to Pease, the reason is that her silence is one of the means of punishment. If the woman confides her feelings or problems to a person, it means that she believes the other person. But if she does not trust or like the other person, or does not agree with the other person's words, she keeps silence in order to punish the other person.
What should we do about men and women’s differences about "silence"? Should we have to ignore the differences and look at each other with different perspectives? Or should we just accept the differences? We must strive to narrow the differences between men and women about this silence. By doing so, we can establish more complete romantic and/or marital relationship. Here are some thoughts:
First, basically we need to know and recognize the difference between men and women about silence.
The men and women are different in regard to silence and there is nothing wrong about the difference. A man must know why a woman is silent, and the woman must know or at least recognize why the man likes silence. We should not respond to the emotions we feel about being silent.
Second, the man should try to communicate with the woman rather than keep his silence that he likes.
Of course, it may not be easy for the man to talk first. However, in love for his woman, he must first open his heart and try to communicate to her. This means that the man needs to lead the conversation. To do so, the man must learn the woman’s indirect method of conversation. It is a good idea to start a conversation with a woman from the indirect conversation method rather than by approaching and talking to the woman by the man's direct method of conversation. Or if he is not able to talk first to her and if she comes to talk first, he should at least try to put his whole mind to answer her. He should try to answer her by standing in her position and by remembering her indirect conversation method. And she doesn’t need to talk back a lot because she likes to listen to him. Here, of course, the role of a woman is also important. If she is a wise woman, she can draw out what is in his heart and open his heart to talk. But if she is a fool, she pours out a nag, so he will close his mind. Pease’s words are funny: ‘If a woman wants to punish a man, the simplest way is to keep talking to him and keep changing the topic.’ If she keeps on nag him or pour out a lot of word to him because he doesn’t talk, then the man will be angry or leave her. So the woman needs wisdom to make her man to come out of silence and open up his mind and have conversation with her.
Third, the woman must respect the man’s silence.
The woman does not have to be anxious that the man does not speak to her. The reason is that when a man enters the cave and takes his own time, he will come out of the cave again in due time. Therefore, the woman needs to wait. However, at this time, a woman who is insecure and lack of perseverance keeps on nagging to a man. Her goal is to pull him out of the cave and make him to say even a word. Then he can get emotional and then she can get emotional as well. Eventually when both man and woman become emotional, he can make a meaningful noise out of anger and she can make a meaningless sound in anger. It is important for the woman to remember that the man is not silent because he doesn’t like her. This is merely an interpretation from a woman's point of view about man’s silence. She should keep in mind that the man often has time of silence and he needs to do so. Unlike the woman who needs to talk in order to relieve her stress, the man needs time to think alone in silence. The woman who breaks man’s silent time alone will only stir up conflict. I briefly wrote about the silence that the man and the woman should acknowledge and try each other. Both of them should put effort to know and acknowledge the difference between man and woman in regard to silence.