Romance

When I think about the word “romance”, I remember that I had a crush on a sister in the Lord when I was in college.  We went to the same Christian club and one day she shared about her older brother who was sick and who might not live long.  When I heard her testimony, and I felt sympathy and I would like to become her ‘older brother’.  So after that day, I made a lot of effort to approach her so that I can be a big brother to her.  I even did three days fasting (just not eating ha) because she was doing three days fasting.  Haha.  As time went by, there was a rumor that I was dating her because we spent time together a lot.  Around that time, she was actually dating another brother in the Lord.  So I spoke to myself number of times that I didn’t love her romantically but as one of the sisters in the Lord with His love.  Not only I spoke to myself like this, that was what I told others who asked me about our relationship.  However, after she broke up with that brother in the Lord, I started spending more time with her, and my romantic feeling began to express that was suppressed until that time.  And I began to guard other guys who came near her to love her with Christ’s love.  For example, when I was studying with her at the library, I had very unpleasant feeling when a brother approached her and spoke to her.  Then one day she noticed this and she wanted to talk to me outside of the library.  And she said to me, ‘You are too overprotective.’  At that time I was shocked.  And I took it as her rejection because she didn’t like me even though all along I tried to love her as sister in Christ.  So I just quit studying, pack my stuffs and went to the beach by myself.  Since then, I avoided her and didn’t have conversation with her for a year or so.  After graduating from college, I got married, and the last time I heard the news that she got married too so I sent her a greeting card.  And that was it.

                The reason I am sharing this story is because when I reflect back, I had romantic feeling toward her even though I told myself and others that I loved her with Christ’s love.  Although I began to love her with Christ’s love (?) because I was drawn to her because I sympathized with her (which I think it’s not healthy), my feeling toward her gradually became romance.  I knew this because when I was struggling because of her, the Abraham’s story of offering Isaac to God came to my attention.  And I asked myself, whether I could offer her to God if God asked me to do so.  My biggest struggle was whether I loved her more than God or not.  But eventually, my answer was I loved her more than God.  The more time I spent with her, the more I became far away from God.  I was driven by romance instead of God’s love.  Here, I am not saying that romance is wrong.  I believe that God has given each one of us a beautiful romance.  However for me, my romantic feeling was not driven by the Fact, the Word of God.  I remember the pastor who taught me and others during the bible study in college said that feeling should be driven by faith in the Fact (the Word of God) by showing us a picture of a locomotive.  In other word, emotion must be led by the fact and faith.  But my feeling was not led by the Word of God and faith.  That was why my relationship with her was not beautiful in God’s sight and others’ sight.  In the end, I wounded her heart and was not good example to other brothers and sisters in Christ who knew us.

When the single Christian brothers and sisters in the Lord spend a lot of time together in a church community, they can have romance.  When I see those singles who fall in love in the church, it looks beautiful to me.  Also, I want to pray for them and help them (if they need my help).  That's why I started posting my personal view about dating (marriage and family as well) on my personal website.  But one thing I want to share this writing “Romance” with caution here is that there are some singles who may make mistakes like me.  I think about what I did in loving the sister when I was in college.  I think about how it could have been beautiful in God’s sight and other people’s sight.  If I write few things, I think, first, I should have spent more time with God than her.  I spent a lot more time with her whom I could see with my own eyes and whom I thought she was pretty, than God whom I could not see.  Haha.  Although I worshiped God and fasted with her, my heart was not directed to the Lord, but to her.  Now when I think about the words I spoke to my mind, they were almost all excuses and rationalization.  If we spend more time with a sister or a brother whom we love than our God, then it will be very difficult for our romance to be led by the Fact, the Word of God.  Such romance cannot be controlled and led by God's love.  That’s why I think it is better to go near to God and pray to Him as we put some distance with an opposite sex toward whom we feel romance.  I think that it is good to pray continuously at the Morning Prayer meeting, Wednesday night prayer meeting and so on.  And if we put down our will in front of God and devote ourselves in following God’s will, then our romance can be led by God and His will.  I also think that it is good to focus on ourselves rather than focus on the opposite sex when we feel romance toward her/him.  In other words, it is much important to prepare ourselves before God than to expect her/him to be someone s/he is not.  Some of us have very hard time to be objective but deeply fall into romance.  They tend to be very focused on her/him and not preparing themselves before the Lord.  As we examine ourselves before God, we must check ourselves whether we have God's purpose, goal and vision.  We must frequently check to see whether we are faithfully fulfilling His purpose, goal and vision that the Lord gave to us.  I think this preparation is very important, especially for us, the brothers in the Lord.  If we are negligent in this and keep on pursuing the sister whom we love, then the mature sisters in the Lord will not feel spiritual attraction to us.  How can we lead their beloved sisters in the Lord in order to fulfill the Lord’s will if we are not driven by His will, purpose, goal and vision?  However, if we fall into deep romance, we will not even think about these things at all.

                As we focus on God at first, secondly, we must focus on the opposite sex as we focus on ourselves.  At that time, we can ask many questions to ourselves, but one of them should be ‘Is it just romantic feeling toward her/him or is it a romantic love with the conviction that it is the Lord's will for us to be together?’  The reason why this question is important is because without conviction that it is the Lord’s will, that romantic love can be degenerated.  Look at what happened to Amnon’s ‘love’ toward Tamar.  Amnon, son of David, who fell in love with Tamar, the beautiful sister of Absalom son of David, and became frustrated to the point of illness on account of Tamar (2 Sam. 13:1-2).  After listening to the words of his friend Jonadab who was a very shrewd man (v. 3), Amnon raped Tamar (v. 14) and then hated her with intense hatred (v. 15).  “In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her” (v. 15).  Amnon’s love toward Tamar was degenerated.  Likewise, our love toward our beloved one whom we feel romance can be degenerated as well.  And the reason is maybe because we are driven by romantic love that is without conviction that God has brought us together.  That’s why our emotion is changing.  That’s why sometime we love and other time we lose interest.  Therefore, we must let the beautiful romance to be led by the Word of God and His will.  As we keep on meditating His Word and pray to Him, we must humbly seek God’s will (and put down our own will) and examine ourselves before God.  And if our motive, intention and will are inadequate and unclean, then we must repent.  The romance and romantic relationship that is not driven and led by the Word of God is very dangerous.  And that’s what I did when I was in college.  As I had experienced its’ consequence, I was ashamed of myself, and I am sorry only to God but to that sister in the Lord.  Although she is a sister in the Lord, I lost her because of my fault and my sin.  I didn’t keep the brotherly love relationship with her in the Lord.  It was my sin and I experience the bitter taste of my sin and its consequence.