Marriage preparation (4):

‘When a man and a woman get married with unclear role awareness and vague expectations about themselves and their responsibilities, the subsequent marriage falls into confusion and conflict," (Gary Collins).

In preparing for marriage, each man and woman must learn diligently what his and her own responsibilities as a husband and a wife in the future in order to reduce confusion and conflict in marriage.  Furthermore, it is good to know their future spouse’s responsibilities in addition to their own.  The reason is because if they know not only their own responsibilities but also their spouses’ then they can reduce frustration and conflict caused by vague expectations or unrealistic expectations.  But the problem is that when they are dating, they do not prepare these things well.  It seems that the single men and women who are dating lack this desire and consciousness to learn each other’s responsibilities and role sharing for their future marriage.  As a result, they are in a state of confusion and conflict in their marriage due to their vague expectations, lacking clear knowledge of their own responsibilities and roles and the responsibilities and roles of their spouses.

According to Lederer and Jackson, the collapse of marriage usually does not start from consciously malicious behavior, but it stars with a spouse speaking insincerely and acting carelessly.  I think it is true.  I agree that the collapse of marriage comes from the laziness of learning rather than from consciously malicious behavior.  The couples who are reluctant to learn have two common failings related to both role in marriage failure, as Leander and Jackson say: ‘First, they fail to identify, determine, and distribute the areas of each other’s roles and responsibilities.  Second, they cannot evaluate each other's difference not as an indication of inferiority, but merely as the difference itself.  These two common failures can be attributed to the couples’ neglecting in learning.  I think that couples who lack the attitude of learning do not deserve to expect happiness in their marriage. 

The Bible clearly records the husband's responsibilities and the wife's responsibilities.  The husbands should be devoted to love their wives, to discipline their children fairly, and to lead their families wisely.  And the wife must obey her husband and learn to respect him.  And she must support and help her husband in raising their children.  But most dating couples seem to be barely learning these biblical responsibilities before marriage.  It is often the biblical knowledge that they know in their heads.  And they do not want to take their responsibility by learning hard about how to apply the biblical knowledge in their future marriage life by realizing their lack of wisdom and praying to God in faith for the wisdom.  There are many good Christian books about dating, marriage and family.  There are also a number of non-Christian books that may be helpful.  It is necessary to try to practice while reading such books.  In the meantime, we must make efforts to make what we have learned our possessions.

                I think we, the husbands, lack wisdom about how to love our wives.  And we tend to think that we do not have child raising responsibility but our wives’ so we take a passive attitude.  And like Adam, we refuse to lead our wives and family and thus sins often come into our families.  What about our wives?  It seems like they refuse to obey their husbands without knowing how to respect them.  It is necessary to gradually learn at least intellectually before marriage as they clarify both husband’s and wife’s responsibilities by applying these individual responsibilities to their future spouses.  In doing so, there will be order and peace in their families.