Does a “perfect spouse” really exist?

In Marianne J. Legato’s book Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget, she explains that the most successful relationships are not found among people who search for a “perfect match,” but among those who wisely look for a partner who complements them—someone who balances their weaknesses and strengths. Yet many young singles today seem to be chasing after this idea of a perfect spouse. Everyone has their own list of qualities they want in a future partner, but what really matters is not how long that list is, but whether it reflects what you want or what you actually need. In fact, most of the lists singles carry around are based more on personal wants than on true needs.

One of God’s purposes for marriage—bringing a man and a woman together as one—is that spouses become life partners who meet each other’s needs. But rather than praying for and seeking a partner who can do that, many singles seem to be searching for someone who fits their idealized image of a perfect spouse. Why is that? Perhaps because they don’t recognize their own weaknesses, or because they know but refuse to admit them. In denying their own shortcomings, they may be looking instead for someone “perfect.” But this is an illusion—nothing more.

A perfect spouse does not exist. My basis for this belief comes from Genesis 3:15–19. After Adam and Eve sinned, the curse God pronounced shaped their brokenness: Adam became work-oriented, and the woman became man-oriented. Because humanity is no longer whole, the idea of a flawless partner is impossible. What does exist is a life partner who complements you and meets your needs. And so, instead of searching for a perfect spouse, it is better for single men and women to seek a spouse who meets the needs God has placed in them. How do we do that? I’d like to offer three thoughts:

1. Learn the differences between men and women.

If you don’t understand how men and women differ, you won’t even feel the need to meet each other’s needs. Yet men and women seem to misunderstand each other quite often. Before I got married, I read books about the differences between men and women, and I still read them today. The more I learn, the more fascinating it becomes. Now that I’m married, reading with my wife in mind, I constantly find myself saying, “This is so true.” As I get to know my wife more deeply as a woman, I’m also discovering what she needs—and I’m becoming more sensitive and responsive to those needs. Sometimes I wonder how different our marriage might have been if I had learned these things earlier. I’m sure we would have enjoyed a more fulfilling relationship in the Lord from the very beginning.

2. Prepare yourself.

It is unreasonable to expect perfection in a spouse when we ourselves are not being prepared. The wise path is to prepare yourself for the partner God has prepared for you. When singles hear the word “prepare,” they often think first about finances. But that is not the highest priority. Spiritual preparation is far more important.

Single men, for example, should work on developing spiritual leadership so that they can guide their future wives. They should pray to become men filled with Christlike love—able to love their wives with the love of Jesus. Single sisters should pray for and seek such a man. As for what single sisters should prepare: I believe qualities like humility and the ability to listen are essential, because they relate to biblical submission—literally meaning “to listen from below.” If a sister cannot listen well while dating, the relationship is going to face difficulties. Psychology tells us that women tend to talk more than men (though this varies today), but Scripture still teaches that wives should listen to their husbands with humility.

3. Empty yourself so that God can fill you.

“Emptying yourself” means engaging in spiritual cleansing—recognizing your weaknesses, shortcomings, and sins before God, and repenting so that your heart can be cleared. As D. L. Moody said, we should be so busy seeing our own faults that we have no time to focus on the faults of others. We need to devote time to this cleansing. As we do, God works in us and fills our hearts with what is good. For example, during the process of preparation, we must grow increasingly aware of how far our love falls short of His. As we acknowledge and repent of our sins, the Holy Spirit gradually fills our hearts with God’s love. And as we repent of speaking rashly before God, we must begin training our hearts to listen to His voice in silence and meditation on His Word, allowing His thoughts and His will to replace our own.

There is no such thing as a perfect spouse in this world. Even if someone believes they’ve found one and gets married, that doesn’t guarantee a successful or happy home. We must set aside the pursuit of a perfect match. Instead, as we learn the differences between men and women, we must faithfully prepare ourselves before God and experience His filling as we empty our hearts. In doing so, we open ourselves to meet the partner God has prepared—the one who needs us. We must approach relationships thinking about how we can serve and support that brother or sister. When we do, that relationship is far more likely to grow into marriage—and, once married, into a mature and beautiful partnership in the sight of the Lord.