A Word Aptly Spoken

[Proverbs 25:11–15]

Some time ago, a pastor in Korea once asked me to look into whether there were any books about “etiquette” in the United States. The reason he made this request was because he felt that we Christians lacked basic etiquette, and he was interested in researching and writing a book on the topic. I found it interesting that he even thought about writing such a book. That’s because not only myself, but I believe most Christians, do not really place much importance on Christian etiquette—we tend to just overlook it.

At the same time, when he told me he was thinking of writing such a book, I felt that it was something necessary. In fact, I believe Christians should uphold etiquette even more than non-Christians, so I thought such a book could be a good stimulus or wake-up call for believers.

Dr. Lee Young-sook, the director of the “Good Tree Character School,” stated in a column titled “Raising Children in Immigrant Society” that “Etiquette is character.” She said that teaching manners to children from an early age is essentially teaching them to respect others (Internet source). In the same column, she emphasized that it is one of the most important duties for parents to help their children form good thoughts from an early age—so that those thoughts can become good habits and ultimately develop into good character. She explained that helping children’s behavior to be expressed as good etiquette toward others is, in fact, teaching them good character.

She then went on to list five general forms of etiquette that should be practiced regardless of time or place. Among them, two were: “Do not intentionally speak offensive or hurtful words to others” and “Do not speak ill of or gossip about others.”

I went back and read something I had written on my personal blog on February 12, 2014, under the section “A Few Words Shared” – entry no. 654. It read:
“Of course, we need to consider what to say, when, and how to say it to the one we love, but perhaps we also need to decide more often what not to say—for their sake…”

But when I read it again, the first thought that came to mind was:
“Ah... I really shouldn’t have said that to that person…”
In other words, I realized that I was not actually living according to the very words I had written.

When we read the Bible, especially the book of Proverbs, we find many teachings about words. Here are a few examples:
“Fools’ lips bring them strife, and their mouths invite a beating” (18:6),
“The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil” (15:28),
“When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise” (10:19),
“If you argue your case with a neighbor, do not betray another man’s confidence” (25:9).

Among these, I especially like Proverbs 15:23:
“A man finds joy in giving an apt reply—and how good is a timely word!”
[Modern Translation: “A well-spoken word can bring much joy. How precious it is to say the right thing at the right time!”]

The reason I love this verse is because I have personally experienced many times when the Holy Spirit helped me speak a “timely word” to someone, and that word moved their heart. Sometimes those words were comforting, but more often, they served to rebuke the listener—piercing their heart (or conscience) and leading them to repentance. I have experienced this kind of work of the Spirit many times. That’s why I truly believe that, as Proverbs 15:23 says, “a word in due season,” or “the right word at the right time,” is extremely important.

In today’s passage, Proverbs 25:11, the writer of Proverbs, King Solomon, also speaks about “a word aptly spoken” or “a word fitly spoken”:
“A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.”
[Modern Translation: “The right word at the right time is like golden apples placed in a silver basket.”]

What does this mean?
The Hebrew word for “aptly” here also carries the meaning of “wheel,” which refers to something that turns smoothly in accordance with the situation and timing (according to commentator Park Yoon-sun). That is, a word that is well-adjusted and suited to the timing and circumstances has great value—just like golden apples placed in a silver setting.

So today, I would like to focus on this verse and reflect on what it means to speak “a word aptly spoken” (a timely word, a suitable word). From this passage, I want to draw three lessons.

First, a word aptly spoken is a wise person’s rebuke.

Let’s look at today’s passage, Proverbs 25:12:
“Like an earring of gold or an ornament of fine gold is the rebuke of a wise judge to a listening ear.”
[Modern Korean Translation: “A wise person’s rebuke is like a gold earring or a fine gold ornament to one who listens.”]

Do you prefer to receive praise or rebuke? Naturally, our human instinct is to want praise. Who would enjoy being rebuked? Our sinful nature longs to be praised by others and avoids rebuke at all costs.

Personally, I have some questions about the Korean-style parenting of my parents’ generation. One such concept is “주마가편” (juma-gapyeon)—a phrase meaning “to whip the running horse,” in other words, pushing even harder someone who is already doing well. I still don’t fully understand why a horse that is already running fast needs to be whipped more. I find myself more accustomed to the American style of parenting, especially when it comes to parents encouraging and praising their children.

But what if that praise is merely flattery, without love or sincerity?
Now consider this: if a rebuke is given out of love, could it be more meaningful than superficial praise?
Proverbs 27:6 speaks about rebuke in this way:
“Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.”
While meditating on this verse, I once posted two short reflections on my blog:

• “More than ten thousand insincere words of praise, I would rather long for one loving word of rebuke.”

• “True friendship in the Lord is shown when we humbly accept even the painful rebukes of a friend.”

In reality, it can hurt more to be rebuked by a friend or loved one than by someone we don’t know well. Yet the Bible tells us that wounds from a loving friend can be trusted.

Returning to Proverbs 25:12, Scripture tells us:
“Like an earring of gold or an ornament of fine gold is the rebuke of a wise person to a listening ear.”
If we connect this with verse 11, we understand that an appropriate (or fitting) rebuke is of great value to the one who listens, like a piece of gold jewelry.

When I reflect on this, I believe that the one who delivers a timely and fitting rebuke is indeed wise. But the one who listens humbly to such a rebuke is also wise.

Why is the rebuker wise? Because offering a rebuke that is timely and appropriate to the situation requires wisdom.
Dr. Park Yoon-sun suggested four pieces of advice for those offering counsel:

1. Speak only when the counselor is filled with love and peace.

2. Do not speak with a contemptuous or mocking attitude.

3. Do not speak hastily.

4. Do not speak without courtesy.

When I think about whether I have always spoken with love and peace or avoided being hasty in rebuking someone I care about—I often realize that I’ve spoken too quickly and emotionally.

On the other hand, the person who humbly listens to such rebuke must also be wise. Why? Because without the wisdom that comes from God’s grace, it is our natural instinct to dislike even the most accurate rebuke.
In Proverbs 9:7–8, which we’ve previously meditated on, we’re reminded that the reason we reject God's rebuke is due to our pride.
This pride leads us to despise and reject correction and truth. It also causes us to quickly embrace the foolishness and seductive voices of the world.
In the end, without God's wisdom, we reject even the most truthful rebuke.

When I think of someone who humbly accepted rebuke, I think of David, the psalmist.
Look at Psalm 141:5:
“Let a righteous man strike me—that is a kindness; let him rebuke me—that is oil on my head. My head will not refuse it, for my prayer will still be against the deeds of evildoers.”
Even in the midst of hardship, David did not reject the rebuke of the righteous. He regarded it as grace.
How was this possible?
Human instinct wants comfort during suffering and difficulty. But David had humility and wisdom.
Because his eyes were fixed on the Lord in prayer even during trials and hardship, he was able to humble himself before God and accept the rebuke of the righteous as grace.

In Ecclesiastes 7:5, King Solomon says that the rebuke of the wise is better than the praise of fools.
Verse 5 says:
“It is better to heed the rebuke of a wise person than to listen to the song of fools.”
The "song of fools" here refers to the false comfort offered by the wicked (Park Yoon-sun).
Solomon is warning us to be cautious of such deceitful comfort.
Why?
Because, as verse 6 says, “Like the crackling of thorns under the pot, so is the laughter of fools. This too is meaningless.”
In short, we should beware of the flattery and false comfort of the wicked because it is ultimately empty.

We ought to prefer the rebuke of wisdom over foolish flattery, because even though the rebuke may sting and prick the conscience at the moment, it will act as a healing balm to our heart and life.

Professor Seyoon Kim of Fuller Seminary, in his book Exposition on 1 Corinthians, wrote:

“Both human criticism and human praise are ultimately based on ‘premature judgment’ (prejudice), and therefore hold little real value. What truly matters is God’s judgment and commendation at the final judgment…
Therefore, gospel preachers must not be swayed by the criticism or praise of the congregation but remain absolutely faithful to Christ as His servants. And the church members must recognize that our ultimate Judge is God, our Lord Jesus Christ, and we must refrain from making human judgments based solely on appearances.” (Seyoon Kim)

What do you think of this statement?
I completely agree with Dr. Kim’s words that “human criticism and praise are ultimately based on premature judgment and are of little value.”
And I fully agree that “what truly matters is God’s judgment and commendation at the final judgment.”

Especially when it comes to rebuke, we must humbly listen not just to anyone, but to the timely and wise rebuke that may come from someone godly.
And we should reflect:
“Could it be that the Lord is rebuking me through this wise brother or sister?”

Even more, we must give our attention to the rebuke of the Holy Spirit through the holy Word of God (Ephesians 5:11), because God's rebuke is beneficial to our souls (2 Timothy 3:16).

What is that benefit?
That even when we walk in sin, God’s rebuke leads us to repentance and correction, setting us back on the right path.

It is my hope and prayer that through receiving rebuke and repenting, we may walk in the way of righteousness.

Secondly, fitting words in any situation are the words of a faithful person who refreshes the heart of the Lord.

One of the things I try to be mindful of during the hot summer is filling empty water bottles with drinking water and placing them in the refrigerator. I do this because I want to drink cold water. So, I usually fill about four or five bottles with filtered water and store them in the fridge. However, many times when I get home and open the fridge to get some cold water, I find that there are no bottles left. That’s because my three children have already drunk them all. 😅 Of course, they want to drink cold water during the hot summer just like I do—how could they be any different? So, I used to hide at least one bottle in the refrigerator drawer, but now one of the kids always manages to find it and drink it, so I’ve kind of given up. 😅

The problem is that after drinking the water, they don’t refill the bottles and put them back in the fridge. Of course, the youngest, Yae-eun, sometimes fills the empty bottles and puts them in the fridge like I do. Even now, although the weather is a bit chilly, I still fill water bottles and put them in the fridge. Why? Because I still want to drink cold water.

Look at today’s passage, Proverbs 25:13:

“Like a snow-cooled drink at harvest time is a trustworthy messenger to the one who sends him; he refreshes the spirit of his master.”
(Contemporary Version: “A trustworthy messenger to the one who sends him is like cold water in the heat of harvest time; he refreshes his superior’s heart.”)

In Proverbs 25:5, which we already meditated on, King Solomon says, “Remove the wicked from the king’s presence.” A wise king fears the Lord and therefore hates evil (8:13, 16:12). He keeps himself from doing evil by not straying from the Word of God, listening to it, and obeying it. Not only that, but he doesn’t overlook the evil actions of his officials. He removes wicked officials—especially deceitful and wicked ones—because he knows that if he doesn’t, it will harm him. And if it harms the king, it will harm the nation. Therefore, a wise king decisively eliminates corrupt officials, and by doing so, he establishes his throne through righteousness (16:12).

In addition, a wise king surrounds himself with faithful officials who help him uphold his throne. He also listens to their counsel. Look at Proverbs 16:13:

“Kings take pleasure in honest lips; they value the one who speaks what is right.”

Here, “the one who speaks what is right” or “honest lips” refers to loyal subjects who speak truthfully to the king. A wise king keeps such loyal people by his side and listens to their advice.

In Proverbs 25:13, Solomon speaks of “a faithful messenger.” He says that such a messenger is like snow-cooled water during harvest time and refreshes the heart of the one who sent him. The original Hebrew expression for “snow-cooled drink at harvest time” should be translated as “cold of snow during harvest time.” According to Pastor Park Yoon-Sun, harvest season in Palestine is the hottest time of the year. Cold snow during that time can refresh a person, and likewise, a faithful messenger can refresh his master’s heart.

So how exactly does a faithful messenger refresh the heart of the one who sent him? It’s by fulfilling his mission on behalf of his master, bringing great joy and refreshment to his master (Park Yoon-Sun). To fulfill the mission means to accomplish the will of the one who sent you.

In the Bible, there are many faithful messengers (or workers) who were sent and who sincerely fulfilled the will of their masters. Let’s look at two examples.

One is the old servant of Abraham in Genesis 24, who was in charge of all of Abraham’s possessions (v. 2). According to Abraham’s command, he went to Abraham’s homeland and people and chose Rebekah (v. 15) to be the wife (vv. 3–4) of Abraham’s son Isaac. He brought her back (v. 61) and made her Isaac’s wife. By obeying his master’s command and fulfilling Abraham’s will, the old servant pleased (refreshed) his master’s heart.

Another example is Timothy, Paul’s spiritual son, found in 1 Thessalonians 3:4–10. Timothy was sent by the Apostle Paul to the Thessalonian church (v. 6). Paul sent him so that the believers there would not be shaken by their trials (v. 3) and so that the tempter would not render Paul’s labor in vain. Unable to bear the concern any longer, Paul sent Timothy to learn about their faith (v. 5). Timothy fulfilled his mission faithfully and returned to Paul with good news about the Thessalonian believers’ faith and love (v. 6). He also told Paul that the believers always had fond memories of Paul and his coworkers and longed to see them (v. 6), thus comforting Paul (v. 7). Look at 1 Thessalonians 3:8–9:

“For now we really live, since you are standing firm in the Lord. How can we thank God enough for you in return for all the joy we have in the presence of our God because of you?”

In this way, Timothy, who had been sent, comforted and brought joy to Paul. He was the faithful messenger of Proverbs 25:13 who refreshed the heart of his master.

Such a faithful messenger who refreshes the heart of the Lord, as King Solomon says in Proverbs 25:14, does not boast falsely. Look at Proverbs 25:14:

“Like clouds and wind without rain is one who boasts of gifts never given.”
(Contemporary Version: “People who brag about gifts they never give are like clouds and wind that bring no rain.”)

What does this mean? Just as clouds and wind without rain give the illusion that rain is about to pour, but then nothing comes, so too does the person who boasts about giving gifts but never actually gives them—leaving others disappointed. Applying this to the faithful messenger in verse 13, such a person does not boast falsely or fail to act. A faithful person does not disappoint the one who sent him. Rather, the faithful messenger sincerely fulfills the promises he made.

A great example is again Abraham’s old servant in Genesis 24. After putting his hand under Abraham’s thigh and swearing to him, he carried out the promise exactly as he said—he went to Abraham’s homeland and brought back Rebekah as Isaac’s wife. In this way, the faithful messenger doesn’t just talk; he fulfills the promise he made to his master, completes the task, and refreshes his master’s heart.

Dear friends, the one who most fully refreshed the heart of the one who sent him was Jesus Christ. Jesus was sent to this earth and most completely pleased and refreshed the heart of God the Father. That is why the Father said of Him:

“You are my beloved Son; with you I am well pleased” (Mark 1:11).

Friends, we, too, must be those who please the Lord. We must be ones who refresh the heart of the Lord who sent us into this world. To do so, we must be faithful to the Lord (2 Timothy 2:2). The Bible says, “It is required of those who have been given a trust that they must prove faithful” (1 Corinthians 4:2). May we faithfully fulfill the mission the Lord has given each of us by His grace, and may we become those who refresh the heart of the Lord.

Third and lastly, a word fitly spoken is a gentle word with persuasive power.

Do you have a “gentle tongue”? Do you speak gently?
Or do you sometimes speak harshly?
In Proverbs 15:1, which we have already meditated on, the Bible says:
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
[Modern Translation: “A gentle answer calms anger, but a harsh word stirs it up.”]
Can you picture it? We should calm someone’s anger with gentle words, but if we speak harshly to someone who is already angry—like pouring oil on a fire—how do you think they will react?

In Proverbs 15:18, the Bible says:
“A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.”
[Modern Translation: “Quick-tempered people cause arguments, but those who are slow to anger stop quarrels.”]
If we are quick-tempered and get angry easily, we can’t help but cause conflicts. Why? Because in our anger, we lose control of our mouths and speak recklessly—harsh words that hurt others (15:4).
That’s why we need to close our mouths a bit when we’re angry.
In other words, we must restrain our speech when we are angry.
Why? Because when we cannot control our anger, the words from our mouths can become harsh. Therefore, since we may wound someone’s heart, we must be slow to speak when we are angry (James 1:19).

Lately, I’ve often felt that I’ve been wrong in the words that come out of my mouth.
Not that I failed to say the right things, but that I said things I shouldn’t have.
The saying, “You must use your little three-inch tongue wisely,” comes to mind.
Of course, my short tongue might not be powerful enough to determine life and death, but I realize I must not underestimate the consequences of the words that come out of it.
James 3:5 says:
“Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.”
[Modern Translation: “In the same way, the human tongue is just a small part of the body, but if used wrongly, it can bring great harm. Doesn’t a small spark set a great forest on fire?”]

The words from our tongues can cause deep wounds, discouragement, and disappointment in others.
These days, even on the internet, there are tragic cases where a careless word—just a single comment posted online—has led someone to take their own life.
If that’s the case, how much more careful must we be, we who believe in Jesus Christ?
Proverbs 18:21 says:
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”
[Modern Translation: “The tongue can kill or give life. Those who love to talk will reap the consequences.”]

Now, look at today’s main passage, Proverbs 25:15:
“Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.”
[Modern Translation: “Patient persuasion can soften even a stubborn ruler’s heart; a gentle tongue can break bones.”]
This verse urges us to speak gently.
Why?
Because “a gentle tongue can break bones.”
What does that mean?
How can a gentle tongue break bones?

It means that a gentle tongue can accomplish difficult things (Walvoord).
What kind of difficult things?
As it says in verse 15, a gentle tongue can turn the heart of a ruler.
The word “ruler” here refers to a high official, like a judge.
So the meaning of today’s verse is this:
Even when pleading for a just verdict from an unjust judge—where it's easy to become indignant due to the judge’s indifference—if one maintains a gentle and humble attitude to the end, even that judge can be moved (Park Yoon-sun).

How is that possible?
How can we turn the heart of an unjust judge with a gentle tongue?
Through patient persuasion (verse 15).

Friends, with patient persuasion, we can change the hearts of others.
With a gentle tongue and meek words, we can turn hearts.
My hope is that both you and I will become people who, through persuasive and gentle words—words fitly spoken—can change the hearts of others.