When There Is a Problem That Could Cause Conflict with a Neighbor

[Proverbs 25:8–10]

Dear friends, how are your relationships with others? Are they smooth, or are you experiencing some difficulties? How should we handle human relationships?

Personally, I believe there is a special blessing that the Lord gives us through human relationships.
If we love our neighbors as ourselves, according to Jesus' commandment, we will be able to enjoy that blessing from the Lord.
However, if we do not (or cannot) obey Jesus’ commandment and fail to love our neighbors as ourselves, we will end up tasting the bitter fruit of broken relationships.
One of those bitter fruits is conflict.

Friends, why do conflicts arise in human relationships?
I have found seven reasons in the Bible:

1. Foolishness

Proverbs 18:6:

"A fool’s lips walk into a fight, and his mouth invites a beating."
Proverbs 20:3:
"It is to one’s honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel."

2. Greed

Proverbs 28:25:

"The greedy stir up conflict, but those who trust in the Lord will prosper."

3. Hatred

Proverbs 10:12:

"Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers over all wrongs."

4. Anger

Proverbs 15:18:

"A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel."
Proverbs 29:22:
"An angry person stirs up conflict, and a hot-tempered person commits many sins."
Proverbs 30:33:
"For as churning cream produces butter, and as twisting the nose produces blood, so stirring up anger produces strife."

5. Pride / Arrogance

Proverbs 13:10:

"Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice."
Proverbs 22:10:
"Drive out the mocker, and out goes strife; quarrels and insults are ended."

6. Rebellion / Perversity

Proverbs 6:14:

"With perversity in his heart he devises evil continually, sowing discord."
Proverbs 16:28:
"A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends."

7. Desires that Wage War Within

James 4:1:

"What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?"

So then, how can we build healthy relationships?

Pastor John Maxwell said this:

"To become someone others feel comfortable approaching and are drawn to, you must first make them feel at ease."

He then listed seven characteristics that a person should have to make others feel comfortable:

1. A Warm Heart

A person who makes others feel at ease has a warm and kind heart.
To maintain comfortable relationships, you must keep a warm heart.
And to do that, you must feel God’s warm heart.
You must experience the truth that “your love is better than life” (Psalm 63:3).
A person whose heart is filled with the lovingkindness of God naturally radiates warmth.

2. Respect for Individual Differences

You cannot have a comfortable relationship with someone who ignores others' strengths while relying solely on their own and looking down on others' weaknesses.
Even if someone is just different from you, trying to make them feel “wrong” by your own selfish standards makes them not want to be around you.
Someone who respects differences and seeks to broaden their understanding will make others feel at ease.

3. Emotional Consistency

John Maxwell says:

“People who are easy to approach tend to express consistent emotions. They are stable and predictable. Because they are always the same, we can anticipate how they will treat us.”

Our emotions can fluctuate many times a day, but if we lack emotional stability, it’s very difficult to maintain comfortable relationships.

4. Sensitivity to Others’ Emotions

A person who makes others feel comfortable quickly notices when someone’s mood is different from theirs and adjusts their responses accordingly (Maxwell).
One way they do this is by listening not just with their head, but with a warm heart.
They don't listen carelessly, but sincerely—and also know how to appropriately and honestly express their own emotions.
When someone senses shared emotions, they open their heart more easily.

5. Willingness to Freely Acknowledge One’s Weaknesses

“Few things make others feel as uncomfortable as someone who always tries to appear perfect” (Maxwell).
Such people don’t seem real or human.
Perfectionists often lack warmth.
Someone who is not honest with themselves cannot be honest in relationships.
Rather than feeling human and sincere, such relationships become formal and mechanical.

6. Ability to Forgive Easily and Ask for Forgiveness Quickly

“Those who are easy to approach understand human weakness well, and they are humble because they readily reveal their own shortcomings. That humility enables them to apologize quickly and forgive easily” (Maxwell).

Healthy relationships are not built on perfection.
Even when we hurt each other through our limitations and weaknesses, remembering God’s grace and forgiveness enables us to forgive one another with joy—and that leads to truly comfortable relationships.

7. Sincerity

If you want to maintain healthy, comfortable relationships, you must be sincere.
You must be honest.
You must have the courage to show yourself as you are.
What are you afraid of?
If you’re afraid of how people see you, or worried about what they might say about you, then it will be very difficult to keep your relationships simple, pure, and sincere.

Looking at the first half of today’s main passage, Proverbs 25:9, the Bible says:
“Argue your case with your neighbor...”
The Korean Living Bible translates it as:
“If you have a problem worth disputing with your neighbor...”

Based on this verse today, I would like us to reflect on one of two teachings the Bible gives us about what to do when we have a conflict with our neighbor.

First, when we have an issue worth disputing with our neighbor, we should not be too hasty to bring a lawsuit.

Look at verse 8 of Proverbs 25:

“Do not be hasty in bringing a lawsuit, otherwise, what will you do in the end when your neighbor humiliates you?”
[Korean Living Bible: “Don’t be in such a rush to go to court. What will you do if your neighbor ends up putting you to shame?”]

What does this mean?
It means when conflicts arise with a neighbor, we must not rush into legal action.

Why not?
Because if we are too quick to file a lawsuit against a neighbor due to a dispute, we might end up being humiliated by that neighbor.
Think about it—if you rush to sue and then lose the case, what happens?
How will you look before the person you sued?

The ideal scenario is one where our relationships with neighbors are so good that no disputes arise.
And that is exactly what’s expected of Christian relationships with their neighbors.

Why is this desirable? Why should we maintain good relationships with our neighbors?
Because Jesus commanded us to love our neighbors as ourselves (Matthew 19:19; 22:39).

But even if we do love our neighbor as ourselves, what should we do if our neighbor rejects that love and starts a dispute with us?
What if, even though we did nothing wrong, our neighbor sues us?

Of course, it would be most desirable if there were no lawsuits at all between us and our neighbors,
but even if we try to live righteously, lawsuits can occur either voluntarily or involuntarily in our social lives.

At that point, many of us ask:

“Do I have to take this matter to court? Or should I just give up and accept the loss?”

What should we do then?

On February 24, 1997, at the Korean Church Centennial Memorial Hall, the Christian Legal Center held the first seminar titled:
“Legal Seminar for Reconciliation and Holiness.”

The seminar was led by Pastor and Lawyer Joo Myung-Soo, under the topic:
“A Biblical Understanding of Christians and Lawsuits.”

He presented 13 questions every Christian should ask themselves before entering a legal battle, and I’d like to share them with you (source: internet):

1. In what way will this lawsuit glorify God? (1 Corinthians 10:31)

2. If I only had six months left to live, how much time would I be willing to spend on this lawsuit? (Psalm 90:12)

3. What is my true motive for filing this lawsuit? Is it revenge? (1 Corinthians 13; Matthew 5:38–48)

4. Does this lawsuit dishonor God in front of other believers? Can I speak about it with a clear conscience before them? (Romans 14:13; 1 Timothy 4:12)

5. Does this lawsuit dishonor God in front of unbelievers? Is it hindering their acceptance of the gospel? (1 Corinthians 6:1–8; 10:32–33)

6. Does this lawsuit dishonor God before the other party, their lawyer, or my lawyer? (Romans 15:1–3)

7. Can I still witness the gospel to unbelievers while engaged in this lawsuit?

8. Can I sincerely pray to God to help me win this lawsuit?

9. Will this lawsuit harm an innocent third party? (Mark 9:42)

10. While pursuing this lawsuit, can I still do my best for my family, household, and myself?

11. Were there any other proper alternatives?

• (a) Was forgiveness an appropriate option?

• (b) Was reconciliation or compromise appropriate?

• (c) Have I met with the other party and listened to their perspective?

• (d) Have I sought a lawyer or mediator to help with reconciliation?

12. Have I been as eager to pursue reconciliation and forgiveness as I have been to defend my rights? (Matthew 6:12–15)

13. Am I committed to revealing the truth, and will I humbly accept the result of the ruling, whatever it may be?

About three years ago (November 2011), we reflected on the topic:
“Is it okay to sue?”, based on 1 Corinthians 6:1–11.

According to Roman law during the apostle Paul’s time, Jews were permitted to settle disputes among themselves using arbitration (Hodge).
For a long time, the Jews settled their disputes privately or within synagogue courts.

They refused to bring their issues to pagan courts,
because they believed doing so would dishonor God by implying that He was unable to resolve His people’s issues through His biblical principles (MacArthur).

Nevertheless, the Christians in the Corinthian church did not resolve their issues according to God’s biblical principles within the church.
Instead, they brought their lawsuits before unbelievers and the unrighteous (v.1).

That is why Paul, in shock and grief, said:

“How can this be? How dare you sue one another?” (v.1)

What was Paul concerned about?
He wasn’t worried that the believers in Corinth would be treated unfairly in secular courts.
Rather, his concern was that they were disregarding the authority and power of the church (MacArthur).

So Paul said to them:

“I say this to shame you: Is it really true that there is not one wise person among you who can judge between brothers?” (v.5)

What does this mean?
Paul is saying that it is shameful when disputes between brothers cannot be resolved within the church, and instead, are taken to secular courts to be settled.

Just as the Apostle Paul was concerned, we Christians today do not seem to respect the authority and power of the church very much. If we truly respected the church's authority and power, how could we take church disputes to secular courts and file lawsuits against each other? Not only church disputes but even presbytery disputes are being taken to secular courts, resulting in lawsuits and conflict, are they not?

Brothers and sisters, we Christians should be ashamed. We should be ashamed that we claim to have no one wise among us to resolve issues within our homes or churches, and instead leave them to secular judges and lawyers. We must no longer engage in such shameful behavior. We must no longer bring disgrace upon ourselves in front of the world. We Christians must not continue to act in ways that bring dishonor before the unbelieving world. When a dispute arises with a neighbor, we must not rush to sue them so hastily.

Secondly, when we have a conflict with our neighbor, we must try to resolve it quietly between the two of us.

I believe that our closest neighbor is our spouse. And it is entirely possible to have conflicts even with our spouse. So what should we do in such situations? Personally, I believe that a married couple should resolve their issues on their own. Sometimes, however, couples become emotional during a fight and involve third parties, which only makes the problem worse. By “third party,” I could mean parents, but especially children. What impact will it have on children if they are involved in their parents’ disputes? It certainly won't be a positive one.

Look at today’s passage in Proverbs 25:9:

“If you take your neighbor to court, do not betray another’s confidence.”
[Contemporary Bible: “If you have a dispute with your neighbor, settle it privately between the two of you and do not reveal another person’s secret.”]

King Solomon, the author of Proverbs, is telling us that if we have a dispute with our neighbor, we should resolve it quietly between the two of us and not reveal another person’s secrets. When this verse is read in connection with verse 8, it means we should not take the matter to court, but rather settle it quietly between the two parties.

When I think of this lesson, the word “settlement” comes to mind. If, before taking a matter to court, both parties could agree to settle outside of court, the issue could be resolved quietly, and there would be no need for public shame in front of others.

Especially in verse 9, Solomon adds, “do not betray another’s confidence.” Who reveals the secrets of others in a conflict? Look at Proverbs 11:13 and 20:19:

“A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret” (11:13).
“A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid anyone who talks too much” (20:19).

The Bible tells us that those who reveal others' secrets are “gossips” or “those who talk too much.” The lesson here is this: if you're in a conflict with a neighbor and that person is known to be a gossip, you should be careful with your words. You should not reveal all the feelings in your heart.

Why does King Solomon tell us not to reveal secrets when in conflict with a neighbor?
Look at Proverbs 25:10 for the reason:

“Or the one who hears it may shame you and the charge against you will stand”
[Contemporary Bible: “Otherwise, the one who hears it will shame you and your bad reputation will never go away.”]

The reason is that if you reveal someone’s secret during a conflict, the person who hears it may shame you—and your reputation could be permanently damaged.

Dr. Yoonsun Park said this:

“Why is it shameful to reveal someone else’s secret during a dispute? Because the principle is that one should only speak to resolve the issue at hand. When someone goes beyond the issue and brings up the other’s hidden weaknesses, it becomes a personal attack. Personal attacks are not meant to clarify truth—they are vulgar behavior. Revealing another's secret matters is a violation of their private domain. The result is lifelong shame and resentment. Therefore, when people inevitably argue, they must testify calmly and only about the issue at hand.”

I believe this is wise advice. Yet don’t we often fail to follow it in real life? Why is that? I think one reason is that we fail to focus on resolving the issue itself. Instead, we focus so narrowly on the problem that we end up blaming the other person for creating it. That leads to personal attacks. And behind that personal attack is what James 4:1 calls “the desires that battle within us.”

Brothers and sisters, we must fight against these desires. Look at 1 Peter 2:11:

“Dear friends, I urge you, as foreigners and exiles, to abstain from sinful desires, which wage war against your soul.”
[Contemporary Bible: “Dear friends, as strangers and travelers in this world, I urge you to resist the sinful desires that wage war against your soul.”]

We must fight the sinful desires that wage war against our souls—and among them is the desire to fight. Therefore, we must overcome this desire. When we do, we will try to quietly resolve disputes with our neighbors and never reveal their secrets. Then, we can become people of good reputation before others.

Let me conclude today’s meditation.
While it would be wonderful to live in harmony with everyone we meet in this world, I believe that is impossible—because we all have sinful natures. Conflicts with others are inevitable. So what should we do when a conflict arises with a neighbor?

From Proverbs 25:8–10, we learned two key lessons:

1. Do not be quick to accuse your neighbor.

2. When in conflict, try to resolve the matter quietly between the two of you.

I pray that we will humbly accept and obey these lessons, and become people who faithfully carry out the ministry of reconciliation in our relationships with our neighbors.