Harmonious Family
[Proverbs 17:1, 9-10, 13-14]
Everyone, what do you think is the ultimate goal in life for most working people? According to a survey of 239 office workers conducted by premium job portal Career (www.career.co.kr), 88.7% answered that they have an "ultimate goal in life." In other words, 9 out of 10 workers have a final life goal, and the top one is a harmonious family. "The most common answer for the ultimate goal is 'to have a harmonious family,' with 28.3% choosing it. 'Becoming the best in my field' was 27.4%, 'starting a business' 16.0%, followed by 'traveling around the world' 9.0%, 'buying a house' 8.5%, 'changing jobs' 4.2%, and 'converting to a religion' 0.9%. When asked what efforts they are making to achieve their goals (multiple answers allowed), 60.4% said, 'work hard.' After that, 'saving a lot of money' was 45.8%, 'networking' 34.4%, 'studying hard every day' 31.1%, and 'investing' 26.4%. As for the reasons behind setting life goals, 72.2% answered, 'to live a happy life.' Others said 'to gain wealth and fame' 8.5%, 'not to be ashamed in front of others' 7.1%, 'to contribute to society' 6.6%, and 'to honor my parents' 2.4%' (source).
Now, looking at the passage from Proverbs 17:1, we see the Bible says: "Better is a dry morsel with quietness, than a house full of feasting with strife." What does this mean? It means that even if one lives in poverty, having a harmonious family is better than living in abundance but with conflict among family members. In ancient Israel, family members would offer sacrifices to God, and the leftovers would be shared among the family (Leviticus 7:16; 19:6; 1 Samuel 9:24). However, if a family is quarreling even at a feast where they should be celebrating together, it is a clear sign of dissatisfaction within that family (Park Yoon-seon).
Can you imagine this? If, after giving offerings like tithes and thanksgiving offerings to God, family members fight over the remaining money, how would you feel? This passage teaches us that harmony in a family is not based on wealth or poverty. From my personal perspective, I don't think the cause of conflict is solely due to wealth. Based on this passage, I would like to reflect on four lessons we can learn about what makes a family harmonious and how we can avoid conflicts in our own homes:
First, a harmonious family covers each other's faults. If we want to avoid conflicts in the family, we must not keep pointing out each other's faults.
Look at Proverbs 17:9: "He who covers a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates friends." Last week, I posted a discussion topic on my personal Facebook: "Why is it so hard (or fearful) to share our prayer requests within the church community?" One of the pastors commented: "Sharing prayer requests can only happen after trust has been built. If not, you can get deeply hurt. It’s only possible with those who have the spiritual maturity to keep secrets." How do you feel about this? As one person mentioned, the church might be one of the places where people feel most hesitant to share their prayer requests. The reason might be that there are those in the church who "repeat a matter"—meaning people who talk about others' personal struggles or prayer requests. When people's prayer requests are shared repeatedly, even with good friends, that relationship can become distant.
We have already reflected on Proverbs 16:28, which says, "A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends." What does this mean? It means that a gossiping person causes strife and divides friendships. Why do spouses quarrel in their relationships? Isn’t it because the enemy, Satan, divides their relationship with lies? How does Satan divide a marital relationship? Through lies, particularly by making us notice each other's faults more and encouraging us to speak about them—sometimes even to others—creating division and conflict within the marriage.
As clearly stated in 1 Corinthians 13:5, "Love keeps no record of wrongs," Satan makes us keep a mental record of the wrongs done to us and then causes us to speak about them, repeatedly, resulting in conflict and discord in our relationships. I cannot disagree with King Solomon’s words in Proverbs 18:8: "The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to the inmost parts."
What should we do and how should we do it?
We should meditate on God's love that covers our faults. In Ephesians 2:1, the Bible says, "And you He made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins." God has given life to us, who were dead in our mistakes, and has raised us up with Christ to save us (verse 5). Therefore, the psalmist says in Psalm 32:1, "Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered." In this way, we, who have received God's great blessings and love in Jesus Christ, should love our neighbors. What is loving our neighbor? In Proverbs 10:12, the Bible says, "Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all sins." We should love our closest neighbors—our family members—covering and forgiving each other's faults. Therefore, we must strive to maintain the unity the Holy Spirit has created in us (Ephesians 4:3).
Secondly, a harmonious family receives advice from one another.
In order to avoid conflict within the family, we must humbly listen to each other's advice.
Look at Proverbs 17:10: "Rebuke is more effective for a wise man than a hundred blows on a fool."
If your children disobey God's commandments and continually expose each other's faults, causing emotional distress and fighting, what would you do? Would you just let them fight and continue without intervening? Of course not. What parent would enjoy seeing their children fight? We want our children to love each other and live harmoniously. If they are fighting, we must rebuke them. But if our children are so foolish that they don't listen to our rebuke, what should we do? We must discipline them. But if one of our children listens to our advice, repents of their wrongs, and lives in peace with their siblings, how wise is that child? The Bible says that advising such a wise child is more effective than striking a foolish child a hundred times. Isn't that interesting? Of course, there’s no need to interpret this literally, but if we were to strike our child's bottom or legs a hundred times, how many marks would remain on their body? Yet, the fool, due to their arrogance (Proverbs 9:7), may not repent and change. However, if we give one word of advice to a wise child, there would be no marks on their body. But the advice of the parents would be deeply engraved in the heart of the wise child.
There is a great example in the Bible of such wisdom. That example is King David. After King David committed adultery with Bathsheba and had her husband Uriah killed, he hid his sin. However, when God sent the prophet Nathan to rebuke him, how did David respond? In 2 Samuel 12:13, it says: "Then David said to Nathan, 'I have sinned against the Lord...'" As soon as David heard Nathan's rebuke, he immediately confessed his sin and repented. In the case of the Apostle Peter, after the rooster crowed (Luke 22:60) and the Lord turned and looked at Peter, he remembered the words of Jesus, "Before the rooster crows today, you will deny Me three times." And he went out and wept bitterly (Luke 22:61-62). The rooster crowed, the Lord looked at him, and remembering the words of the Lord, Peter went out, weeping bitterly and repented. How wise was Peter! Such wise people do not need a hundred blows. One word of the Lord’s rebuke is enough for them to confess their sin and repent. Don't we need this kind of wisdom for ourselves and our family members?
The wise, that is, the one who understands, repents of their mistakes and walks the right path with just one word of advice.
In the Analects of Confucius, a book recording the dialogues between Confucius and his disciples, there is a saying “문일지십” (mun il ji sip), which means "if you hear one, you know ten." This is typically used for prodigies or geniuses who can understand much from just a single piece of information (Internet). Even with one piece of advice, the wise person understands deeply and not only engraves it in their heart but also grows wiser and more discerning, walking the right path that God desires through more insight into His Word. If we follow this path, how could our families and church communities not be at peace?
Third, a harmonious family does not repay evil with evil.
To avoid conflicts within the family, we must repay good with good.
Look at Proverbs 17:13: "Whoever rewards evil for good, evil will not depart from his house."
A family where evil does not leave is one that defies God’s righteous will, disobeys His Word, and acts unjustly. As a result of this injustice, the family will inevitably face disaster. A biblical example of this is King David. David repaid good with evil—he intentionally killed Uriah, the husband of Bathsheba, who had been loyal to him. In doing so, he repaid good with evil. As a consequence, his son Amnon raped his sister Tamar, and just as David had killed Uriah, Tamar’s brother Absalom killed Amnon, resulting in a family tragedy. Moreover, Absalom later tried to kill his father David, but ended up dying himself. This tragic family disaster was the result of defying God’s will and disobeying His Word. Today, many families are experiencing similar familial disasters. Discord in families seems never-ending. Brokenness, injury, wounds, pain, and suffering fill the homes of modern families. What is the problem? One of the problems is the presence of sin in our homes. Sin of rebelling against God’s will, sin of disobeying His Word, and sin of doing evil instead of doing good is causing much pain in many families today. Families that do not taste God’s goodness, that do not feel His grace and love, and who, because of that, are not humble before Him but rather proud and arrogant, end up defying God’s will and disobeying His Word, and eventually act unjustly. So, what should we do? We must listen carefully to the words of 1 Peter 3:9: "Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing." How do you interpret this command from God? When there is conflict in our families and our words hurt one another, the Bible tells us to bless rather than curse.
Recently, while listening to the Bible on my mp3, I heard 1 Peter 2:23, where it says that Jesus “when He was insulted, He did not insult in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but entrusted Himself to the one who judges justly.” As I meditated on this verse, I realized that even when others speak unpleasant words to me in relationships, I should not respond in the same way. You see, we must not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21). We must endure suffering by doing good, rather than repaying evil with evil. This is the will of God, as 1 Peter 3:17 tells us. Even though we do good and the other person repays us with evil, we should not become discouraged (Psalm 35:12). We must continue to do good, not losing heart (2 Thessalonians 3:13). We should turn away from evil, do good, and pursue peace in our homes (Psalm 34:14).
Fourth, a harmonious family stops disputes before they start.
In order to avoid conflict in the family, we must stop disputes before they even begin.
Proverbs 17:14 says:
"The beginning of a quarrel is like the breaking out of water; so stop before the dispute breaks out."
What are the main reasons that husbands and wives or children in a family fight? Do they fight over big issues or over very small things?
Here are three Chinese idioms I found on the internet:
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百年偕老 (bǎinián xiélǎo) – To grow old together in harmony as a married couple.
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偕老同穴 (xiélǎo tóngxué) – To live harmoniously as a couple, aging together in life and being buried in the same grave after death.
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蝸角之爭 (wā jiǎo zhī zhēng) – A fight on the tip of a snail's horn. This refers to a very trivial dispute, like small nations fighting over something insignificant.
The background story behind this idiom is as follows: *"King Hui of Wei (reigned from 369 BC to 319 BC) had made a firm promise with King Wei of Qi (reigned from 356 BC to 320 BC) to get along. However, later King Wei broke his promise and sent an assassin to kill him. King Hui’s minister, Gong Sunyan, hearing this, said they should send an army to attack. But another minister, Jie, said that they should not send the army and should not cause harm to the people. King Hui hesitated. Then, a man named Dajin said to King Hui: ‘On the left horn of the snail is the state of Chu, and on the right horn is the state of Man. Once these two states fought over land, and tens of thousands died. The enemy was chased for half a month and then returned.’ When King Hui asked, ‘What is this nonsense?’ Dajin continued: ‘Yes, let me show you the essence of this ‘nonsense.’ In the endless universe, the countries are very small. Among these small countries is Wei, and in Wei is its capital, and in that capital, there is a king. How different is the king from the country on the snail's horn?’" (Internet).
This shows that the causes of disputes between husbands and wives or children are often due to very trivial matters. That’s why the wise King Solomon says in Proverbs 17:14, “The beginning of a quarrel is like the breaking of water from a dam” (Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam).
What does this mean?
Have any of you visited the Hoover Dam near Las Vegas? If you’ve been there, imagine that a little water begins to leak from the dam. Would you continue watching from the top of the dam, knowing that this is happening? Imagine for a moment that a tiny hole is leaking just a little water. Even though it is a small amount, if the people working at the dam knew about it, they would probably evacuate tourists and prevent anyone from going near. Why? Because it’s dangerous.
Thinking about this, I believe the idiom 水滴穿石 (shuǐ dī chuān shí) is quite fitting here. It means, “Even a small drop of water, if it falls constantly, can eventually pierce through a stone.” (Internet). Even though it’s a very small hole in a large dam, if left unattended, it could lead to the collapse of the dam, causing significant damage. This is why King Solomon advises, “Stop the dispute before it breaks out.” (Prov. 17:14).
But when we argue, why is it that we don’t stop the dispute in time, allowing a small issue to escalate into a bigger fight? The reason, as stated in James 4:1, is “your desires that battle within you”. If we don’t control these desires, and act according to them, we will become, as Proverbs 17:19 says, “he who loves a quarrel”. And the one who loves a quarrel is the one who loves sin, as the Bible says (Prov. 17:19).
Ultimately, the reason we argue and fight within our families is because of the desires battling within us. These desires are driven by our personal “wants” (James 4:2). For example, when a husband and wife argue, it’s often because they each have desires for something from the other, and when these desires are not met — when they don’t get what they want — the argument begins. If we can let go of these desires, we can prevent the argument.
But how difficult is it really to let go of these desires?
Do you know the book titled "Letting Go" by Pastor Lee Yong-gyu, a missionary in Mongolia?
Later, he wrote a follow-up book titled "Letting Go More." This man, who holds a doctorate from Harvard University, could have succeeded in the world, but instead, he chose to serve the Lord as a missionary in a remote area. In his book "Letting Go," he emphasizes that what he "let go" was not his prestigious academic background or worldly glory, but rather, as stated in Galatians 2:20, the "death of the self in Christ." He calls this the spirit of letting go (Lee Yong-gyu).
In the book, there is a passage that goes like this:
"Inside us, there is a very small child. This child cries because it wants to be recognized. When its needs are not met, it makes our inner being struggle and suffer. We live unaware of this inner child, being led by its emotions. However, this child can only find stability and rest through God's love and recognition. Satan constantly tempts us to obsess over things we don’t have. As long as we are obsessed with what we don’t have, we cannot enjoy what we have received with joy. The more we pursue worldly recognition, the more we become attached to the world. As a result, we miss the freedom that comes from heaven. God has said, ‘I see a jar of perfume in you.’ But the next verse struck me deeply and pierced my heart. ‘Although the jar was brought to Jesus’ feet, it still remained unbroken, unwilling to be shattered.’ In that moment, I saw my unbroken self. I had brought it to Jesus’ feet, but when it was time to break, my pride refused to be shattered. I realized I still had a desire to be respected. I thought about how I had been hurt by others’ words because of this. A deep sobbing welled up inside me. I wept and made a vow before God, ‘God, I see the parts of me that are still unbroken. I want to break my jar.’ Even though the jar was placed at Jesus’ feet, if it is not broken, it cannot release its fragrance. Only when the jar is broken and its contents spill out can we truly commemorate Jesus’ cross.” (Lee Yong-gyu)
Now, let’s conclude with a reflection on a traditional Korean folk tale (from the internet).
There’s a story about a newlywed woman who had been married for only a short time. One day, while she was cooking rice, she started crying in the kitchen. Her husband, seeing this, asked her the reason, and she said she had burned the rice. Her husband, listening to her, replied, “Today, I was busy and could only fetch a little water, so there wasn’t enough, and the rice burned. This is my fault,” and tried to comfort her. Upon hearing this, the wife didn’t stop crying; rather, she wept even more, moved by his words. As she was crying, her father-in-law passed by and asked what was going on. After hearing the situation, he said, “It’s my fault. I’m old and don’t have the strength to chop the firewood properly, so the fire was too strong and the rice burned.” He then comforted his son and daughter-in-law. Finally, the mother-in-law, who had heard the commotion, came and said, “It’s my fault. I’m too old now to smell the rice and let you know when it’s time to turn it off.” She then comforted her daughter-in-law.
Old people used to say after telling this story, “Family harmony makes all things possible.” This means that when the family is harmonious, everything goes well. If you look closely at the story, you’ll notice that no one blames someone else or shifts responsibility. Instead, each person reflects on their own faults and even takes on the blame for the sake of others. It is in this process that harmony is found. And when there is harmony, everything goes well.
Moreover, we, as Christians, have the Holy Spirit living within us. The Holy Spirit unites our hearts as one. Therefore, if all of us in the family follow the guidance and inspiration of the Holy Spirit, we will live in a family where we understand, forgive, comfort, and encourage each other — a true heavenly family.