God, Make Me Beautiful

 

 

 

"The Lord takes pleasure in His people; He adorns the humble with salvation." (Psalm 149:4)

 

 

On the morning of the New Year, I woke up early with a heavy heart, although it was supposed to be a day to welcome the hopeful new year. My body was tired, but my heart seemed even more weary. I didn’t know what to do, so I tossed and turned in bed. At that moment, my eldest son, Dillon, came to me and said that there were about 100 ants in the children's bathroom trash can. I quickly got up from bed with some ant spray and went to check, but there were only about 10 ants in the trash can. I sprayed the ant killer and threw the trash into a bag. After cleaning the trash can and placing it back in its place, I lay back down in bed. But sleep wouldn’t come, and many thoughts kept swirling in my mind. One thought that came to me was that I should go visit Elder Park, who lives in the nursing home. When my heart is heavy and troubled, I often find comfort by visiting this beloved elder. I sing "My Soul Has Found Rest" (Hymn 495) as I sit before her, and in the process, my burden lightens and the Lord strengthens me.

Despite my exhaustion, I got up and headed to the nursing home where Elder Park was staying. Upon arriving, I was shocked to see that she was wearing an oxygen mask and her lips were very swollen. I was worried, and I asked a Filipino worker who was helping another elderly lady in the room if she knew what was going on. She didn’t, and suggested I ask the nurse.

As I looked at Elder Park, despite her dementia and inability to remember anything, I remembered the many memories she and I shared. Among those memories, two phrases stood out: "Victory Presbyterian Church is our church," and "I’ve suffered a lot." I recalled how much she loved Victory Presbyterian Church (and still does) and how this love inspired me to love the church even more. I also thought of my late grandparents, who loved the church dearly, and I recalled their final words to me as their grandson and pastor: "Keep Victory Presbyterian Church."

When I remembered Elder Park saying, "I’ve suffered a lot," I felt that I, too, should dedicate myself more to serve Victory Presbyterian Church. It was then that I remembered a verse from Psalm 149:4, which I had meditated on during Wednesday’s early morning prayer meeting. I prayed in my heart, "God, make me beautiful." I asked God to save me from my heavy heart and to beautify me. As I continued to gaze at Elder Park, whose memories were gone, I was comforted by the thought that even though she no longer remembered, God still remembered her. And I, though weak, was also comforted knowing that God remembers me.

At that moment, I overheard a worker in the room speaking to a Korean grandmother who was sitting in a wheelchair. The worker was feeding her, and I heard the words, "Grandmother, spit it out, spit it out" in Korean. When I heard this, I thought to myself, "What thoughts in my heart do I need to spit out?" Later, I learned from the nurse that the reason Elder Park’s lips were swollen was because she had frequently been vomiting the nutrients she received through the feeding tube. In that moment, I felt a desire to spit out the sinful and tempting thoughts that were troubling my heart.

I continued praying to God in my heart, asking Him to help me "spit out" these sinful thoughts and protect me from temptation, asking Him to rescue me and make me beautiful. In the midst of these prayers, another verse came to mind, Psalm 147:11: "The Lord takes pleasure in those who fear Him, in those who hope in His steadfast love." I longed for God’s mercy. I prayed that in the new year, I would continue to long for God's mercy and live a life of love, forgiving and loving my brothers and sisters. I prayed that this would be a year of love and forgiveness.