A Family that Praises God the Father with a Grateful Heart (6)

[Colossians 3:18-21]

Last and fourth, God tells parents, ‘Do not provoke your children to anger.’

Colossians 3:21 says, “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged” (Modern Korean Translation: “Parents, do not provoke your children to anger. If you do, they will become discouraged”). An article titled ‘Churchgoing Parents Risk Losing Their Children’ discusses this issue: ‘As the average age of church attendees increases, one of the biggest challenges for Korean churches is to retain young people who are drifting away from the faith. To stop the accelerating aging of the church and to anchor the future generation of believers, the role of parents in households with children is crucial’ (Internet). The article emphasizes that parents with children need to demonstrate a strong example of faith to prevent their children from leaving the church. Conversely, it lists six attitudes that parents should avoid: (1) occasionally attending church, (2) complaining about the church, (3) limiting their children to youth culture, (4) ignoring important questions, (5) frequently changing churches, and (6) treating the gospel as insignificant. It explains: ‘The church is a community built on the gospel of Christ. When parents treat the gospel as trivial or push it to the periphery of their lives rather than making it central, their children become disconnected from the body of Christ. If children see the church merely as a place they are required to attend rather than a gospel-centered priority in life, they too will likely push the gospel to the margins of their lives, just like their parents’ (Internet).

In today's passage, Colossians 3:21, the Bible says: “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” The Apostle Paul instructs parents not to “embitter” their children. In the Modern Korean Translation, it says, “Parents, do not provoke your children to anger.” As I reflect on this verse, I am struck by the question: Are we, as parents, truly understanding and empathizing with our children’s emotions? I ask this because I feel that I, too, often fail to fully understand and connect with my children's feelings. As a father to three children, I still do not fully grasp what specifically might provoke anger in Dillon, Yeri, and Karis. One thing I do recognize is that my children seem to feel saddened when my wife and I do not show mutual love toward each other as we should, according to the Lord’s love. Additionally, if I live a life inconsistent with my words and actions or if I speak and act impulsively, it seems to anger them. Of course, there are countless ways I might have unintentionally provoked my children’s anger. The real issue is that I do not fully understand their emotions.

In Ephesians 6:4, the Apostle Paul also says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children.” This means parents are instructed not to make their children angry, provoke them, or cause them to be exasperated. How might parents provoke their children? There are several possible answers. For example: (1) By scolding or showing anger, (2) By using provocative language, (3) By administering improper discipline, (4) By living a personally flawed life while pointing out their children's faults, (5) By treating their children as if they are possessions, using unconditional authority to enforce control, or by abusing and dismissing their children (Jong-Jin Phee). The Bible Exposition commentary outlines six reasons fathers might provoke and discourage their children: (1) Acting differently from what they say, (2) Constantly blaming their children without ever offering praise, (3) Being inconsistent and unfair in discipline, (4) Showing favoritism within the family, (5) Failing to keep promises, (6) Treating important matters lightly. In addition to these reasons, I believe that one significant way parents might provoke their children is by failing to love one another. Specifically, when children see their father not loving their mother, they may feel angry. In reality, as children grow up and witness their mother suffering or becoming ill due to their father's lack of love, they may develop resentment towards their father. Moreover, this situation can lead to significant discouragement for the children.

I read an article titled ‘Don’t Provoke Your Children?’ The article advises that parents should help their children grow up with confidence and not become discouraged. When do children feel hurt and angry towards their parents? Understanding this can help parents obey the command not to provoke their children. According to the author of the article, after hearing responses from many people, the key reasons are summarized as follows: being discriminated against compared to siblings, being treated differently because of their gender or other reasons, when parents fail to keep promises, witnessing parental hypocrisy, excessive pressure regarding academics, being forced to follow parents’ demands rather than pursuing their own interests or paths, and being burdened excessively due to being the eldest child. Among these reasons, the most common response was when parents fight. The most significant source of hurt, anger, and discouragement for children is parental conflict. Children are deeply affected when their parents argue (Internet).

In Ephesians 6:4, the latter part says, “But bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” The Apostle Paul is instructing us, as parents, to educate and strengthen our children and nurture them until they reach maturity. The term “bring them up” is the same word used in Ephesians 5:29, where it says that a husband should “nourish” his wife. In other words, fathers, as spiritual leaders in the home, have the responsibility to nurture not only their wives but also their children. So, how should parents nurture their children?

(1) Parents should nurture their children “in the training of the Lord.”

In other words, just as we should first receive discipline and correction from the Lord and walk in His ways, we should also nurture our children in this manner. Proverbs 22:6 says: “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” We need to teach our children the right path, the path of wisdom, or the way of a godly life. In my efforts to teach, I strive, though imperfectly, to impart three key things to my children and the children in our church: (1) Right Values, (2) Clear Purpose, and (3) Eternal Perspective on Life.

(2) Parents should nurture their children “in the instruction of the Lord.”

Parents should advise, warn, and encourage their children with love. But how should we “instruct” our children? Tedd Tripp, in his book Shepherding a Child’s Heart, discusses this in two ways: Rich, full communication and The rod. To nurture children in the Lord’s “instruction” means to focus more on communication than on discipline with the rod. So how should we engage in conversation with our children? There are three principles: (1) Don’t talk to your children; rather, talk with them. We should engage in dialogue rather than merely delivering instructions. (2) Don’t just express your thoughts only; rather, learn how to draw out their thoughts. It is important to allow children to express their own thoughts rather than only sharing ours (Prov. 18:13). (3) Focus on understanding your children. It’s crucial to understand the essence of the struggles they are facing. We should put effort into understanding why they are expressing their emotions and respond with empathy.

May the Lord establish each of our families (Ref.: Matt. 16:18) and may He make every home a place where we praise God the Father with a thankful heart.  Based on today’s passage from Colossians 3:18-21, I have reflected on four lessons that God gives to our families under the theme ‘A Family Praising God the Father with a Thankful Heart’: (1) God’s message to wives: “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord” (Col. 3:18), (2) God’s message to husbands: “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them” (v. 19), (3) God’s message to children: “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord” (v. 20), (4) God’s message to parents: “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged” (v. 21).