A Family that Praises God the Father with a Grateful Heart (4)

[Colossians 3:18-21]

Yesterday, after the Saturday morning prayer meeting, I shared a sermon video titled “Sadness is an Opportunity (1)” here and there. While preparing for today’s Sunday service, I visited a Christian website called “GRACE TO KOREA.” While browsing the article titles, I came across one titled ‘What the Bible Says About Marriage: 10. Resolving Marital Conflicts (1)’ and became interested, so I read it. The article states, ‘A spouse is an object of love, but in conflict, becomes an object of strife,’ and explains the meaning of the word “conflict” from the Standard Korean Dictionary as: ‘Like the intertwining of vines and wild vines, conflict arises between individuals or groups when their goals or interests differ, leading to hostility or clashes, or a state of such.’ This means that marital conflicts can occur when goals or interests between spouses diverge. So, why do marital conflicts arise? I will consider just two reasons:

· Differences

“If you have ever said to your spouse, ‘I just don’t understand,’ you already know well that conflicts arise because of differences. Differences between individuals are not inherently sinful, but marriage involves two distinct people becoming one body. Therefore, ‘differences’ require continuous efforts to understand and tolerate each other in order to achieve unity.”

· Sin

While differences between spouses are not sinful in themselves, the pride and fleshly desires that both husband and wife possess are rooted in sin and are major causes of conflict (Gal. 5:19-21; Jam. 4:1-3). Sin starts with a very small desire but ends with a very strong demand. Needs become wants, and wants quickly turn into demands.

I became particularly interested in the section of the article discussing the ‘Characteristics of Couples Who Avoid or Mismanage Conflict.’

· Silent Withdrawal

Instead of actively working to resolve issues, some prefer to do nothing and just let things pass. However, this does not demonstrate love for the spouse but instead causes distress (Col. 3:19).

· Isolation from Each Other

There is an expectation that keeping a distance will allow each person to enjoy a certain peace. However, this is far from the practice of loving each other deeply and covering over many sins (1 Pet. 4:8). This approach involves abandoning marital intimacy and settling for avoiding major conflicts. Couples might deliberately avoid discussing topics that might lead to issues or hide facts and deeply rooted wounds. They might think that avoiding conflict is effective, but in reality, they are merely postponing it, leading to unresolved issues that eventually fester into even larger conflicts.

(1) Husbands are instructed not to be harsh with their wives.

Colossians 3:19 says: “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.” When do husbands harsh with their wives? In fact, sometimes we might not even realize that we are being harsh with our wives. If we are aware that we are harsh with them and continue to do so, then we are not loving our wives as Christ loved the church. Husbands should be sensitive to when and why their loving wives are suffering because of them. Therefore, husbands should avoid being harsh with their wives. Being harsh with a wife means being harsh oneself because we are one body. An unwise husband will often be harsh to his wife rather than loving her (v. 19). He may respond to her with harsh words rather than gentle ones, causing her to become angry (Prov. 15:1). Additionally, an unwise husband may nag his wife, causing her distress. Among nagging, especially hurtful to a wife is constant, unqualified criticism like, ‘What are you doing all day at home? Can’t you even get this one thing right?’ A husband who nags, especially one who controls the family finances, may regard his wife as inadequate, whether intentionally or not, and repeatedly inflict emotional wounds with his criticism. Many husbands who nag do so more out of anger than genuine communication, and their refusal to engage in proper communication with their wives can indicate psychological issues that hinder effective dialogue, leading to continuous nagging (Internet).

Today's passage, Colossians 3:19, instructs: “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.” Reflecting on this, I thought, “The greatest distress to a wife is not being loved by her husband.” On January 11, 2018, I wrote a reflection titled “A Woman Not Loved by Her Husband” based on Genesis 29:31, focusing on Leah, who was not loved by her husband Jacob. A wife who is not loved by her husband is bound to be deeply distressed. Especially for God’s precious and beloved daughters, who were born to receive God’s love, it is extremely painful if they not only lack love from their husbands but also face hatred, suffering, and tears throughout their lives. Leah was not loved by Jacob because Jacob loved her younger, more beautiful sister Rachel, who was more attractive due to her better eyesight (Gen. 29:17-18). Wives who do not receive love from their husbands may unconsciously channel excessive love toward their children. As a result, these children might be at risk of becoming overly dependent on their mothers due to excessive love and protection.

Ultimately, a weak marital relationship leads to distorted parent-child relationships. In such cases, parents unconsciously try to fulfill unmet emotional, social, or sexual needs through their children. They may also attempt to compensate for grievances and resentment toward their spouses by siding with their children and pushing their spouse away (Internet). Many couples, who might say they endure for the sake of their children, often consider divorce once the children are grown. Indeed, according to an article I read in 2019, there were a total of 108,684 divorce cases in Korea that year. Of these, 33.3% (36,327 cases) were twilight divorces involving couples who had been together for over 20 years, the highest percentage, followed by 21.4% of newlywed couples (0-4 years) (Internet). When marital relationships are troubled and lacking in intimacy, wives may unconsciously direct excessive love toward their children, compensating for the love they do not receive from their husbands. This is because the wife might unconsciously seek to receive love through her children. We need to reflect on our own marital relationships, as children may be suffering emotionally due to parents who are only focused on them. Ultimately, as stated in Colossians 3:19, loving our wives as husbands is truly the way to not distress them. In other words, husbands should love their wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her (Eph. 5:25). According to the Modern Korean Version of Ephesians 5:28: ‘In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.’